Forgive me readers for I have sinned. It has been 21 days since my last blog post.
Currently, I feel a renewed vigor to write weekly again. That is not a new feeling. The time to write the post and taking a moment to jot down the post ideas are what need to take place in order for my vigor to turn into results.
So here goes…
As far as work is concerned, I have ALWAYS prefered to be the person in the background. I could do a very important job and be “deserving” of credit but prefer to have any acknowledgement done privately. In relationships, I have prefered to take the avoidance road. I did it in my marriage, with friends, with family. About eight years ago or so, God was VERY clear that He did not co-sign my avoidance tactic with my husband. Only in recent years have I began to stop avoiding confrontation with friends and family.
The main reason I avoided confrontation was because, I have early memories of being made to feel at fault because whomever I was in conflict with was upset (usually in tears) with me for speaking to them about whatever the conflict was. I was made to feel that someone could verbally hurt me but I was not to retaliate and verbally hurt them back. If I did, it was strongly implied that I should apologize to “fix” things and then all would be well and we could move on. I often wondered, if I could muster up a tear, would the other person then be held accountable but fake tears has never been my style. It felt like I was indirectly, but directly, being told to accept responsiblity for someone elses tears and shut up about it.
I didn’t think that just, right, or fair but it continued to happen. When I spoke up about the injustice, I was shot down. I was given a chance to speak but I wasn’t taken seriously. So, my way out was avoidance. If I could see that someones behavior was going to collide with my personality, I stayed away. That way, I would not have to be dealt with unjustly.
It was not a good strategy in the long run but it was a method of survival in my formative years. Now, I am a grown woman. Now, not only am I responsible for myself, I am responsible for two other lives. I can not avoid. I must stand up. Having recognized that being an advocate for my girls is paramount in motherhood, I started to see other areas where I need to ask the hard questions and have difficult conversations in my other relationships.
Doing so has often made me feel alone. I have been in a room where, after giving Biblical perspective on a life issue, I was elephant in the room. Attempts have been make to make me appear the fool for respecting my husband and for sharing why that is important. For speaking the truth in with grace and love, I have been marginalized. I have been uninvited to female gatherings. I have been totally ignored.
This is not the first time. At different times in my Christian walk, I have pressed towards the mark and felt isolated because, though we all spoke the same language, no one was willing to go forward with me. That isolation was painful and, each time, I fell back into what was socially acceptable speech, meaning, if I spoke, I would not speak about God’s Word with any authority. I hated that. At some point, I got that verse that says, If I dismay God, He will dismay me. I did not want God to dismay me so I took a “bump everybody else” mentality and pressed toward the mark never to turn back.
It still took a lot but now, finally, I have TRULY accepted the loneliness. It’s part of the walk.