Finding Sufficiency In Christ?

28847I’ve been taught that problem’s purpose is so you can rediscover sufficiency in Christ. I just read here how Mandisa struggled with the passing of a close friend. Kelly Irvin, the blog’s author, talks of her battle with cancer. I have been open about wanting a large family and not having it. Longings and desires are real.  When you are the one in it, when you are the one longing and desperately seeking a respite to your desire, it matters not if the want is health, child, home, or protection. It is all a groaning in one’s heart.

Sufficiency in Christ should carry us through all of our yet unmet desires or the longings that will not be fulfilled on this side of glory. But does it? Do we really feel sufficient? I don’t. I’d feel more sufficient in Christ if I was currently cradling what I long for most in my arms.  But then that wouldn’t be sufficiency would it.  That would be more akin to a toddler willing to be obedient after getting what she wants. ‘Yes, Mommy, I will walk over to you after I’m finished coloring on my paper.’  ‘Lord, I will be more than happy to be sufficient in you after I am already satisfied.’

I know what sufficiency looks like. I also know, I am not modeling that.

I couldn’t get it together today. At different turns, I’d break down and cry, complaining, crying out, asking God, begging God why I can’t have what I want. I felt my request pretty small in light of what Mandisa and Kelly have and are experiencing. And yet, pain is pain. It is packaged differently for each one but it cuts just as deep.

I will have sufficiency in Christ.  I will feel it and know it. For me, it is a journey.  Right now, knowing sufficiency comes and goes.  It is fleeting because my utter confusion on why I can’t get an immediate yes answer to my request gets the best of me.  I’ve faltered in walking by faith and not by sight.  I walk with both eyes open and all other senses super alert to anything that might hint that I’m going to get my way.

I wish this was a ‘here is the answer to your problem’ post but it is not.  It is a ‘this is where I am right now’ post. I hope to follow-up with a ‘how God brought me through’ post. Until then, if you are struggling to find, accept, receive, and trust in God’s sufficiency, you are not alone. I am right there witcha!


Jesus Is In The Boat!

The older I get, the more I know, that I know, that I know, ease is not synonymous with Christ is with us. Ease, or the absence of need, does not mean that God is pleased with you and you shall have no worries.

Life in the Lee Compound has started making me go hmm. You know, making me quirk and eyebrow and frown up my face. download-3I try to take it all in stride, knowing and trusting God will continue to provide but just the presence of these things that make me say hmm irritates my husband.  I encourage him in God’s word and remind him of God’s faithfulness to us through the years. When you are hurting and want something to go away like yesterday, those words don’t always hit home. But God knew how to reach His son.  He reminded me of Luke 8:22-25.

22 Now it happened, on a certain day, that He got into a boat with His disciples. And He said to them, “Let us cross over to the other side of the lake.” And they launched out. 23 But as they sailed He fell asleep. And a windstorm came down on the lake, and they were filling with water, and were in jeopardy. 24 And they came to Him and awoke Him, saying, “Master, Master, we are perishing!”

Then He arose and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water. And they ceased, and there was a calm. 25 But He said to them, “Where is your faith?”  And they were afraid, and marveled, saying to one another, “Who can this be? For He commands even the winds and water, and they obey Him!”  The winds and the waves beat against their boat. The disciples were in mortal jeopardy.  They had every right to be fearful but Jesus said,   “Where is your faith?” Jesus was in the boat! Asleep or awake, He was in the boat.  They were going to be alright!  Did it feel good? No. Were they scared? Umm-hmm. But God’s word didn’t change despite their fears.  Jesus is in the boat! That gave my husband comfort.  I hope it comforts you too.



Self-care can not be defined or described with just one aspect as I formerly thought. I thought adequate self-care for me was to get out once or twice a month with my husband or girlfriends. I thought everyone, wifommys’ in particular, should have their one thing that they did for self-care. However, the longer you are on this wifommy journey, the more encompassing self-care becomes.

Self-care means making sure you too eat breakfast. Self-care means you too bring a snack if you are going to be out all day and don’t want to purchase food. Self-care means having something nice to wear when you are asked to attend something that requires more than your normal attire. Self-care means masking so you feel nice about the skin you are in. Self-care means smiling at yourself in the mirror as you think and tell yourself that you are pretty.

These are things I do. They won’t apply to everyone but I am using it as an example to show that self-care isn’t one thing, one outing, one activity.  You wifommy are a person. You have varied interest. You are allowed to like more than one activity.  You are allowed to find ways to participate in activities that interest you.  You are allowed to get a pedicure AND have lunch with a friend. You many not be able to do that all in the same day, but you are allowed to do both.  You can not only take your children roller skating, but you can go roller skating too! You can read a book while your child does homework (when they aren’t asking you questions that is). You get the idea.

You must carve out self-care for you.  Self-care is a part of wellness.

The Death of a Classmate = A Dose of Mortality

download-2As I was casually scrolling through Facebook and came across a post saying how much a member of my high school class will be missed.  I reread the post confused.  Still disbelieving, I went to her page and saw a post from her family with her funeral service information. My heart broke. ‘T’ and I were the same age. ‘T’ had four children. FOUR! One is not even a year old yet. She loved her babies with everything she had. She learned to remove herself from toxic relationships.  She endured the loss of her sisters passing. She was a single mother who provided for her children.

I couldn’t find any information on what happened so I messaged around to get details. I’d missed the funeral because I didn’t know anything about her passing until today. I was told she had a sudden shortness of breath and passed out.  She couldn’t be revived. I am emotionally heavy right now.  I know ‘T’ didn’t want to leave her babies. I know she didn’t want to leave her mother. Her mother already endured the loss of one child.

Two years ago, another high school classmate of mine passed unexpectantly. She was married with two daughters. Her family and close friends loved her dearly.  That was hard to digest.  All death is. She had a growth that went undetected; only discovered during autopsy.

I went in for a physical and found that my blood pressure was high. It is connected to my weight.  I’ve not been diligent at getting the weight off.  Older bodies need more effort to lose weight than younger bodies. My younger body efforts with my older body were only good for five pounds and not the 15 I needed. These two passings, but especially the most recent one, have me taking my health very seriously. I don’t think my classmates were unhealthy but I don’t think they were as aware of their health as they could have been. We, mothers, make sure our children are taken care off and often dismiss anything we might notice as odd for ourselves.  The physical I went in for in December was the first physical I have had in almost 20 years. After I started college, I would only see a doctor for sickness or any other concern that seemed obvious to me.  The only doctor I saw annually was my OBGYN. I figured if they noticed something that required my primary care doctor, I would go see them then. How ignorant!

Too much rides on our health for us to take it for granted. No more. My classmates taught me that.

Puberty And Potty Training


As Jazmine eagerly awaits her body changes, Baby Grace shows then shies away from potty independence. It is quite the spectrum we have here in the Lee household. On one hand, we are watching our flower blossom.  On the other hand, our sweet cherub is turning into quite the tyrant.

As a mom who enjoys like-mindedness with other moms, it is hard to straddle this spectrum.  I am fully immersed in each but not exclusive to either. I can speak with some moms and be right in the boat with them in puberty discussions.  Other moms, our potty training woes cause us to click. The tricky part is when I need to leave one conversation to tend to the part of motherhood that I have but they don’t.  Discussing the necessity of undergarments for budding girls is cut short because I need to discipline the toddler who thought it was a great idea to remove things from shelves.  Exchanging funny toddler stories is cut short because my big kid has another activity to get to.

I am in a unique position not because it is exclusive to me but because in my circles, I am the white tiger in the room. I don’t quite fit. I used to struggle hugely in this area.  When it was only Jazmine and I was waist-deep in step-motherhood, I was still a white tiger. I hated not feeling fully apart of the mommy tribe because I had one child and not multiple to juggle on top of having blended family uniqueness.  That was a hard time. Praise God I learned a few things from that experience.

I am better able to accept my motherhood duality now. I can pass easily from puberty, to potty training, to being a step-mom to teenagers and back again seamlessly because it is ALL my life.  Each unique stage of life applies to me simultaneously.  I wear that fact as a crown.  In my bag, I keep snacks for the tyrant and spelling words for the blossoming one. On any given day, we could have teenage boys or our adult daughter over. It is my life and I am grateful to live it.

God Is Sovereign Over Fertility

download-2I peed on the stick. Only one line appeared.

I knew I wasn’t pregnant. My breast felt full and heavy, but not tender. I was tired but not fatigued. I wanted to be pregnant but I am not.

After yet another negative test (I’ve taken several in the past year after Baby Grace was born) I now wash my hands of trying to conceive (TTC). I AM DONE!

I will no longer chart our days of intercourse.  I will no longer take my basal body temperature (BBT). I will no longer observe my cervical mucus. I will no longer fret about adding anything new to my diet for fear that it will interfere with my fertility.  I will no longer add things to my diet hoping to increase my fertility.  I will no longer look for any signs that I might be pregnant. I will no longer hold onto weight that needs to go using “I might be pregnant” as an excuse.  I will no longer short side planning future activities because “I might be pregnant then”.  I will no longer speak to “if I have another baby”.

I WILL plan my life around my husband and our two beautiful girls.  I WILL plan our coming year with only us in mind. I WILL lose this weight sooner than later. I WILL plan fuller days. I WILL remain free from any thought that will shift my focus from our lovely present.  I WILL live in the present.

I acknowledged God’s sovereignty over my fertility before.  Now, I am fully letting go and letting God be God.

God Is Not A Genie

Stop using God and let God use you.  That is not an original thought of mine.  I heard it said.  It just resonated with me.  Our liberties in Christ should not be placed above what brings Him glory.  Often, it means to “not seek your own” (1 Corinthians . 13:5)

A little over a month ago, I set a fitness goal for myself.  I wanted to run a 10 minute mile.  I found  a running plan for beginners online and followed it.  To train for it, the plan has you walking and running in increasing intervals until you can run 30 minutes straight.  I did not set my run speed at 6.0 MPH which is the pace to run a mile in 10 minutes.  I set my speed at 5.0 (a mile in 12 minutes).  I was excited, nervous, and scared about this goal.  There was no one watching me, cheering me on, or encouraging me.  I told few people about it.  The ones I told didn’t ask me how my progress was going.  I preferred they didn’t.  I would have received it as pressure especially early on.  Nevertheless, many times I longed for someone to come up to me while I was running my intervals on the treadmill and tell me that I could do it and to not quit.

No one was going to come over to me.  I don’t know people like that at my gym yet.  So, while I’ve been running, wishing the three minutes I had left to do were three seconds, I would pray and ask God to “kick in” for me.  What did I mean by that?  Your guess is as good as mine.

I was treating the Holy Spirit as if He was nitrous oxide; a button to push to give me an instant jolt to hurry up and complete the task at hand.  I remember trying to think on why I was praying this while I was running but I was so focused on finishing my time without constantly looking at the clock that I couldn’t meditate on that.  When I heard that statement above, I had a chance to reflect on myself and realized that God does not “kick in” for you.  Not in that way anyway.  We are here to serve Him. We were created for Him and for His good pleasure.  We Christians have gotten that thing completely twisted now to think that God is here to serve us.  No. No. No.

I haven’t been to the gym since I realized what I was doing.  Now, when I am in the heat of the run, wishing the time was up when I have three minutes still to go, I will remember whose idea it was to set this goal in the first place 🙂  I will remember that God is not a genie.

(Originally penned 2010)

July Is Coming


It seems like the more that happens in my life, the more I can’t talk about it.

I wish I could tell it all but, as I said in the very beginning, I write what I’m lead as I am led to.

July is coming fast.  I have been gearing up for it since May.  July is when I have my oldest son for the entire month.  It is also when we requested to have my daughter and youngest son spend as much time as they can with us this summer.  The thought always seems really good at the beginning but the closer July comes, the more anxious I get.

I have been on a journey to improve my home management skills.  I am not willing to go into detail about the specifics right now but it is quite an overhaul for me.  I’ve had to learn to think differently and do a better job at managing my time.  It hasn’t been easy. The more I try, the more I feel like I’m failing.  Each week is a new opportunity to learn from my mistakes but it has also proven to be a new week where I fall short in the very same areas I’ve been trying to improve.  By fall short, I mean, I am not even up to par with what used to be normal for me before I started to change!  It is quite exasperating.

Long story short, I already feel like I am walking on shaky ground while trying to find my legs in all of this and to add three children from two different households to the mix is starting to stress me out! It is one thing to fall short. It is another thing to fall short publicly. It is another thing entirely to fall short publicly in front of people who watch your mistakes with glasses on!

The audience itself is enough to make me not want to try; to know that my every movement is silently critiqued and discussed later. But try I must if I am to improve.  If I don’t keep my eye on the goal, I won’t get there. When I fall, because I am sure I will, I will fall forward. Praise God my husband has my back.

(Originally penned 2011)

Bonus Mom Belittling


The Bible says, “Some men’s sins are clearly evident, preceding them to judgment, but those of some men follow later.  Likewise, the good works of some are clearly evident, and those that are otherwise cannot be hidden.” (1Timothy 5:24-25)

I sometimes feel like that with my bonus children; like my good works are not seen by their mothers. I don’t need them to be seen, or a fuss made over it, but it seems like there is no consideration for my position in caring for their children.

I have a truly blended family. Three households are involved. Anthony’s mom has one child.  Tanya has two.  I have four!

My family dynamic changes with each addition of each child as they come. Currently, I have Anthony and Jazmine. A few days ago, I had Scott, Anthony, and Jazmine. A few days prior to that I had Bella, Scott, Anthony, and Jazmine. Each addition or subtraction adds a new dynamic. For example, if both boys are there, they will play mostly with each other. If one son is there, he will give more attention to Jazmine.

Each woman wants her will executed in my household. I am not a babysitter.  I do my best to make sure each bonus child is cared for in the ways that are needed for them as well as collectively for our household. That in itself is an undertaking and requires very delicate hands. To then hear talk that does not take any of that into account is belittling.

Praise God that He sees me!

(Originally penned 2012)

A Different Stage Of Life


If I see something I want to be apart of, I usually do whatever I can to make it happen.  If I want to join something, I research or observe the workings of that group then mimic all things positive to make the grade so to speak. I’ve done that for as long as I can remember. Wisdom says, I should observe the group longer before committing in my mind to join.

I was pretty tight with a group of people last year. Ever since I observed the group, I desired to be a part of it. My actions and motives were genuine but I had an end-goal in mind.  Once I was accepted into that group, things started to go south. They didn’t stop going south until it hit rock bottom.  Me and this group are no more. I still keep up with one person from the group. From having periodic conversations with her, it really dawned on me the truth here.  The members of that group and I are at different stages of life.  Often times, folks who are in vastly different stages of life don’t meld as well as those who are in the same stage.

The folks in that group are all unmarried, have grown or no children, and careers. I am (happily) married, have young children, and no job. With the exception of the purpose of the group, we had nothing in common.  I could not have gotten any closer to those people even if I wanted to. My availability to hang out isn’t the same as there’s. My current life focus isn’t even on their radar.

I had good times with this group. I miss the camaraderie. When I see their updates, a twinge of jealousy goes through me. I wish things would have turned out differently. I wish I could have developed deeper relationships with them all. Just because your arms are open, doesn’t mean people will return the hug.

(Originally penned 2015)