Jesus Is In The Boat!

The older I get, the more I know, that I know, that I know, ease is not synonymous with Christ is with us. Ease, or the absence of need, does not mean that God is pleased with you and you shall have no worries.

Life in the Lee Compound has started making me go hmm. You know, making me quirk and eyebrow and frown up my face. download-3I try to take it all in stride, knowing and trusting God will continue to provide but just the presence of these things that make me say hmm irritates my husband.  I encourage him in God’s word and remind him of God’s faithfulness to us through the years. When you are hurting and want something to go away like yesterday, those words don’t always hit home. But God knew how to reach His son.  He reminded me of Luke 8:22-25.

22 Now it happened, on a certain day, that He got into a boat with His disciples. And He said to them, “Let us cross over to the other side of the lake.” And they launched out. 23 But as they sailed He fell asleep. And a windstorm came down on the lake, and they were filling with water, and were in jeopardy. 24 And they came to Him and awoke Him, saying, “Master, Master, we are perishing!”

Then He arose and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water. And they ceased, and there was a calm. 25 But He said to them, “Where is your faith?”  And they were afraid, and marveled, saying to one another, “Who can this be? For He commands even the winds and water, and they obey Him!”  The winds and the waves beat against their boat. The disciples were in mortal jeopardy.  They had every right to be fearful but Jesus said,   “Where is your faith?” Jesus was in the boat! Asleep or awake, He was in the boat.  They were going to be alright!  Did it feel good? No. Were they scared? Umm-hmm. But God’s word didn’t change despite their fears.  Jesus is in the boat! That gave my husband comfort.  I hope it comforts you too.




Self-care can not be defined or described with just one aspect as I formerly thought. I thought adequate self-care for me was to get out once or twice a month with my husband or girlfriends. I thought everyone, wifommys’ in particular, should have their one thing that they did for self-care. However, the longer you are on this wifommy journey, the more encompassing self-care becomes.

Self-care means making sure you too eat breakfast. Self-care means you too bring a snack if you are going to be out all day and don’t want to purchase food. Self-care means having something nice to wear when you are asked to attend something that requires more than your normal attire. Self-care means masking so you feel nice about the skin you are in. Self-care means smiling at yourself in the mirror as you think and tell yourself that you are pretty.

These are things I do. They won’t apply to everyone but I am using it as an example to show that self-care isn’t one thing, one outing, one activity.  You wifommy are a person. You have varied interest. You are allowed to like more than one activity.  You are allowed to find ways to participate in activities that interest you.  You are allowed to get a pedicure AND have lunch with a friend. You many not be able to do that all in the same day, but you are allowed to do both.  You can not only take your children roller skating, but you can go roller skating too! You can read a book while your child does homework (when they aren’t asking you questions that is). You get the idea.

You must carve out self-care for you.  Self-care is a part of wellness.

Not The Mommy I Thought I’d Be

I wish I can remember the exact date when I wrote this. I believe it was sometime winter 2016 or early 2017.  Last year was a hard school year. New baby. New home. New routine. A lot of growth I had to do as a wifommy. This was something I wrote when in the thick of things. 

download-1I am not the mother I want to be. I am not the mother I thought I would be. wifommyhood is harder than I thought it would be. The dishes, the laundry, the education, and that is just the daily grind. Not to mention everything else! I yell more than what is effective.  My patience often comes after the fact.  I still suck at making lunch. And dinner? My husband no longer eats white (bread, rice, flour etc) which makes thrown-together-meals just about non-existent. I am increasingly behind in grocery shopping which seems ridiculous with only having a four person household. By 4 o’clock, I’m done! I’ve had it for the day. I want to do NOTHING! I don’t want to listen to anymore 8yr old thoughts. I don’t want to train a 14 month old on the importance of “listening to Mommy” and “don’t hit sister!” My husband comes home and I try not to be a shell of a woman for him but he has his own needs and I will often see him as someone else who needs something from me. I am thoroughly stumped with my life right now. I’d like to hope that this getaway I have coming up will help but I am not so sure.

Homeschoolers left and right showing accomplishment after accomplishment talking about “the magic of homeschool”. Bah! Can I get some of that? Feels like I’m slouching in at least two subjects with her (Jazmine) while our peers are taking field trips, completing projects and what not.

Next year, I will be the outsourcing Momma. Yes, she will have five subjects taught via tutorial or a co-op. Yes, she will be in “only” two extra curricular activities and not 3 or more. Yes, I will “only” be teaching 3 subjects at home. Yes, I will be looking into house cleaning help sometime this summer. Yes, I will leave the house to come home and expect it to be clean. No, I will not be ashamed. Why? Because I am going to remember this time in my life right now and know why we are doing what we are doing.

Update: I am outsourcing 5 subjects. She “only” has two extracurricular activities. I did have someone clean my house after we moved it. I have learned that others decisions for their household is not a judgement against mine. Amen!

Who Do I Follow?

images-1I like math.  Specifically, I like Algebra. I like its absolutes. I like its formulas. I like its predictability. I know if I follow a particular formula, I will get the correct answer (as long as the formula I am using is the correct one). Once I understood algebra, all of its rules became comforting to me. It was fool-proof.  I couldn’t go wrong as long as I followed the formula.

I tried to apply a formula to God once.  Needless to say, it failed miserably.  I had to learn to really walk by faith and not by formula sight. Praise be to God I have steadily learned how to do that in my married years. However, I still find myself wanting to emulate someone. I would like a pattern to follow.  I would like to see someone who does it well, whom I can follow, and get the same results: a husband who has no complaints and spiritually obedient and successful children.

Because I am prone to attaching myself to something successful and riding it like a rocket, I am often distracted by the success of others. I used to drop everything I was doing, well and poorly alike, and totally change to be just like the newest superstar in my book. That behavior became a serious detriment to my household.

I have since learned to glean. Glean the good that I see emulated and put into practice any truths that person possesses.  I don’t necessarily have to put those truths into practice the same exact way but the kernel of truth that supports their practice is what I am after. For example, I’ve struggled with being consistent with outdoor physical activities with my girls.  The basic truth that I’ve heard over and over is that I need to incorporate my children in my physical activities. When I go for a walk, I use that walk as alone time instead of making my girls go with me. I need to incorporate my girls with me for more things. I need to make more statements about what we are going to do for physical exercise instead of asking and hoping I hear the response I am looking for.

I have learned to glean from others while fully leaning on the Lord.  No one person is going to meet all the areas I’d like to see emulated. No one person gets it all right, even on their best days. The only wifommy in my specific family dynamic is me. I am the right person for the job because God said so. He wouldn’t have put me here otherwise.

So who do I follow? I follow Christ first, and I follow others as they follow Christ. 

My Husbands Words Hurt

imagesHe said I always push him away.

That. Those five words have caused marriages to crumble. That small phrase is a seed that, when full-grown, causes a chasm in a marriage. When he said those words to me, it was as if I had been doused with ice-cold water.

To me, that phrase was a warning light.  Not a yellow light but a flashing red light. “Fix this now!”, it screamed.  I prayed and I cried.

I asked God not to let me be that person.  The person who wants all the affection and love my husband has to offer me but refuses touches and stolen moments when those touches and moments stop me from the task I am in the middle of. The person who is always ready to fulfill my wifely duties but bats away all other affectionate offerings. I did not know that my husband received that as refusals.  Until then, I did not classify my actions as refusals.  To me, he was trying to get me to slow down and hinder me from completing my task to which, his linear minded wife, would get intensely upset about.  I didn’t know that he received my look of ‘dude, why are you slowing me down?! You see I’m in the middle of something!’ as refusal of his affections.

How could I have been so dumb!

I had already been praying and asking God to help me with Jazmine.  She is so in need of physical touch. A hug, a tickle, a kiss, rest my head on hers, hand hold, all of that numerous times a day.  That is not my love language but it is hers and I struggled with filling her cup everyday. After hearing my husbands words on top of what I was already aware of with Jazmine, I wilted.

Something had to change.  I had to change but I was at a loss on how.  How to change into something that was so innately foreign to me and how to sustain it.  My strength would fail at the second perceived interruption to my task and the third time I heard, “Mommy you never kiss me!”, when I know I kissed that girl at least twice in the past hour. I needed God to do something permanent in me. I didn’t want to lose my family.  I didn’t want seeds of infidelity to begin to grow in my husband because he was looking for his affections to be reciprocated. I didn’t want my daughter to have to look past me for a mother figure who filled her need for physical touch. I knew what I didn’t want but I didn’t know how to prevent it from happening.

God speaks. God speaks, but I will tell you, rarely is it when I am unmoving. I was putting something away in my daughters’ room when God answered my specific prayer about responding to those cries of affection from my family.  It is hard to pen what He said but the gist of it was ‘to remember this is important too’.  When my husband or daughter seek me for affection, I need to remember that this meaning them and their need, is important too.  Their need takes precedent over my current task.  Their need is just as important as what I am trying to do for the house.  Their need does mean that I stop what I am doing to give them that touch, smile, hug, or moment they need to continue their day. Their need does not make my task unimportant, but, the task can wait a few moments. Fullfilling their need does not take any significant amount to time but it is of great significance to them.

I needed God to give me this mental shift. I could not have decided on and executed it lovingly with any type of sustainability without Him.

Father’s Are Important Too

downloadEvery other commercial, news outlet, sports program, and print advertisement told people that Mother’s Day was near.  The date was given and the countdown was repeated. ‘Mother’s Day is in two weeks!  Mother’s Day is next Sunday!  Mother’s Day is tomorrow!  Don’t forget about your mom!’  Could not enter a store without a sign giving date of Mother’s Day.  You did not have the option of not knowing Mother’s Day was coming nor when it was.

Yes, Mother’s Day is a commercial holiday and a very lucrative one at that hence all of the commercialism.  However, the sports casters, news reporters, radio personalities and the like all tooted about the importance of mothers and rarely did not have a story to share about how their mother impacted their life. The hype of the holiday was severely escalated.

Do not hear me wrong.  I too am a mother.  Celebrating mothers is important.  It is a great day for many mothers who don’t regularly receive recognition to get some that day. However, the same should be done for Father’s Day as well.

But alas, Father’s Day came and went silently. Fourth of July favors and cook out gear were given more prominence than Father’s Day. Firework displays were up since mid May, right after Mother’s Day as a matter of fact, but not a peep about Father’s Day.  One display.  One display did I see in my local store about Father’s Day and that was only above a tower of Blu Ray discs that ‘Dad would love’.  The same store had an entire section for the Fourth of July. What does that tell you?

Society has neglected the importance of Father’s.  We ought not too. Society is going to do what it is going to do. We, those that know the importance of men in our lives, should celebrate the fathers on Father’s Day. You don’t have to be married with children nor have a good relationship with your own father to celebrate fathers on that day.  Father’s are important. Period. The role of father is equally important with mothers. Celebrate the good fathers you know.  If you don’t know any, don’t hate the day or minimize it. Every mother isn’t great yet she is “supposed” to get flowers.

The Quickie Queen

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of marriage. (Hmm.  That sentence wasn’t powerful enough.  Let me try again.)  Physical intimacy is vital to a healthy marriage. (There I think that was better.)

When my husband and I were to be married, we had pre-marital counseling.  During those 6 sessions, our Pastor said in most marriages, husbands are the sexual aggressors, but in some marriages, the wives are.  I was stunned to hear that.

I knew me.  I knew I was not getting married to be celibate by ANY means.  Being the good Christian girl that I was, my husband was going to get ALL of this woman as soon as we said I do. I was prepared for all the sexual struggles (he wants it all the time) I’d heard married women talk about and just knew it wasn’t going to be in my  marriage.  I was ready to be ready at ALL times.

It is not always lack of desire that prevents physical intimacy in an otherwise healthy marriage.  Life and its burdens can get in the way. Anxieties, deadlines, and sheer exhaustion can prevent the best efforts. Both husband and wife can try MANY workarounds, strategies, and time set aside to circumvent the negative repercussions of a lack of physical intimacy. Sometimes they work.  Sometimes they don’t.  It all depends on finding out what works for that couple. Trial and error is GREAT when it works but depressing when it fails.

Prayer to protect physical intimacy is important.  Ask God about it. Tell him what you desire and share that with your husband.  Watch God work it out.  He created sex to be with you and your husband. He will make it happen.

There is something to be mindful about when you do pray about physical intimacy.  Do not sabotage your effective prayers with your presets.  The Bible says ask and you shall receive, but be warned not to sabotage the receiving process. God will work in that important area of your marriage.  Start by having him work with you. My story is that while I asked, I remain the same. I responded the same way to my husband when he made an efforts.  That is self sabotage. His gentle touches, impromptu hugs, requests to have me sit near him for a bit (even while I was in the middle of making dinner) are all signs that he desires me. It may take ALL day for the bedroom to take place but he gives clues ALL day that it is on his mind too.

I have sabotaged myself. I was never one for the build-up to the end; not for common everyday practice.  That mess was cool when the only children we had lived with their mothers but now that we have two cock-blocking terrorists (yes, they are blessings and we love them but they do NOTHING to enhance the bedroom), I am in hit-it-and-quit-it mode, ALL the time. No chill. I have become the Quickie Queen.

My work around was to be “ready” at a moments notice. What should have been a temporary fix had become my preset to the point where all I looked for is “right now”.  My preset became to brush off all forms of telling physical contact because it wouldn’t produce immediate results.  Why? Because we could build up all day and one phone call (church, children, or job related) would change the evening.  All the build up for blue clit (female version of blue balls). The emotional build up would be there, the physical touches would be there, the anticipation high and then, nothing. Like a romance novel that ends with nothing but a goodbye wave.

To protect myself from the let down, I would say things like, “Don’t start anything you can’t finish,” and similar phrases to convey that I was not satisfied but desired to be. Talk about poor word choice.  That did nothing to build up my husband. That did nothing to bolster our bedroom. I sabotaged my desires.

While praying for God to move, I still spoke and responded the same way. While in the process of receiving my request, which was evidenced by his touches, words, and nearness, I sabotaged the receiving process by being unresponsive/negatively responding to what was offered. My fear of the possibility of something interfering with our bedroom became a brick wall that prevented me from receiving anything.

Once that realization came crashing down on me, I am now eager to respond to all promise offerings my husband gives me. Why? Because the phone calls weren’t his fault.  I wasn’t the only one disappointed. However, instead of working through that shared emotion together, I shut me and my blue clit off. Shutting off inhibits receiving of any kind.

If you want to receive from the Lord, don’t shut off and don’t sabotage.

Happy Humping!

Marital Advice, Newly Acquired

I have a pet peeve.  If I give you a task that is important to me, do not pass that task off to someone else. 

Pisses me off to no end when people do that! 

This evening, I had a few things I wanted to straighten up and it would go faster if I wasn’t wearing baby Grace. My husband was relaxing on the couch. I went to hand her off to him. She was quiet and having, what I call, happy pleasant moments. She had a full belly and a clean butt so she would be fine for at least 15 minutes. As I went to hand my husband our daughter, a family member came over to us. My husband said that I should give the baby to that family member. 

I. Was. PISSED! And thrown off. I was taken completely off guard by his response. Any other time the baby is having pleasant moments or even when she is crying, he comes to take her for a few moments. I totally expected him to jump at the chance for a longer period of time with her. I did NOT want to hear, “hand her to so-and-so.” 

Praise God, the family member said it was up to me what I wanted to do. I said, emphatically, that I wanted the baby go to to her father. The family member kissed the baby and walked away. My husband kept the baby until she needed to nurse again.

I had a chip on my shoulder for the remainder of the evening. What just transpired has happened before but I felt obligated to hand off my baby even though it went against everything in me. I almost handed her off again this evening. I am salty with myself for even thinking that I didn’t have a choice in the matter and that I didn’t speak up first. 

I was also angry with my husband for even suggesting that I hand her off. He is her father! I was giving him our daughter not the to be passed up on.  I held on to that anger for the rest of the night. I kept thinking how I was going to bring it to his attention. I played scenarios over and over in my head. It consumed my evening. 
Then it occurred to me. As far as my husband is concerned, the matter is over and done with. He wouldn’t even know what I was taking about if I brought it up to him. In his mind, he took the baby and that was that. End of story. 

I need to let that be the end of the story too. 

Changing My Words To Be More Encouraging

My husband is a hard worker, a very hard worker. He always has been. Recently, he has started working in a new revenue stream for our household. The hours aren’t ridiculous but he is so tired when he comes home that I feel helpless. Pregnancy hormones are not assisting me in my feelings in a good way either. 

I look to encourage him and support him without making him feel guilty for leaving the house. I had to tell Jazmine what to say to encourage her father too. Previously, she would say, “Why do you have to go and leave me to work all the time?”  That used to crush my man. All of my ‘don’t you enjoy eating’ etc comments weren’t swaying her. 

I finally had to break it down to her and tell her that when a man leaves the house, you give him wings, not chains. I told her that the better thing to say is “Thank you for working so hard for me Daddy. I can’t wait for you to come home.”

I’ve had to take a page out of my own book today. I want my man home! I’m feeling lonely and mucho sensitive but I had to catch myself before contacting him to make sure my words share how I feel about him but still give him wings because I know my man. He will stop what he’s doing and come home to see about me. And truly, as much as I want that, it is not seriously necessary today.

So, before speaking, or communicating to him in any way, I will first get myself together and keep the big picture in front of me and not my momentary state of mind. 

That is all.

The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Ever Say!

Last week was hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish of thought, feelings of hopelessness and defeat that I experienced. But praise God! Trouble don’t last always.

After much prayer, surviving off of God’s word (which lead to a new Bible Study and a new devotional), and acceptance of His will, HE DELIVERED!

My husband said the absolute most sexiest thing a man could ever say to a woman that feeds her very essence. He said,

“I will fight for you.”

Say what?!?!?! Those five words opened a dam of affection that had been stopped. Those five words were the release from being in a bad head space, hopelessness, and defeat. He followed up those words by saying he loved me and that he would die for me.  I know those words are true but those first five words mean so much more than the rest of his declaration to me.

I could only smile but I did not simply smile.  I smiled hard.  His words more than just touched me.  They fed me. I smiled outwardly but inwardly, I was beaming from ear to ear.  My eyes even smiled!  I read a lot of books and have read the expression that someone’s eyes smiled although their mouth never moved.  Now I understand.  My mouth smiled, but more importantly, my eyes smiled.

I keep replaying that scene of my husband and I in my head and continue to smile. Not only did he say he would fight for me, he has been backing up ever since. Full speed ahead.