My Husbands Words Hurt

imagesHe said I always push him away.

That. Those five words have caused marriages to crumble. That small phrase is a seed that, when full-grown, causes a chasm in a marriage. When he said those words to me, it was as if I had been doused with ice-cold water.

To me, that phrase was a warning light.  Not a yellow light but a flashing red light. “Fix this now!”, it screamed.  I prayed and I cried.

I asked God not to let me be that person.  The person who wants all the affection and love my husband has to offer me but refuses touches and stolen moments when those touches and moments stop me from the task I am in the middle of. The person who is always ready to fulfill my wifely duties but bats away all other affectionate offerings. I did not know that my husband received that as refusals.  Until then, I did not classify my actions as refusals.  To me, he was trying to get me to slow down and hinder me from completing my task to which, his linear minded wife, would get intensely upset about.  I didn’t know that he received my look of ‘dude, why are you slowing me down?! You see I’m in the middle of something!’ as refusal of his affections.

How could I have been so dumb!

I had already been praying and asking God to help me with Jazmine.  She is so in need of physical touch. A hug, a tickle, a kiss, rest my head on hers, hand hold, all of that numerous times a day.  That is not my love language but it is hers and I struggled with filling her cup everyday. After hearing my husbands words on top of what I was already aware of with Jazmine, I wilted.

Something had to change.  I had to change but I was at a loss on how.  How to change into something that was so innately foreign to me and how to sustain it.  My strength would fail at the second perceived interruption to my task and the third time I heard, “Mommy you never kiss me!”, when I know I kissed that girl at least twice in the past hour. I needed God to do something permanent in me. I didn’t want to lose my family.  I didn’t want seeds of infidelity to begin to grow in my husband because he was looking for his affections to be reciprocated. I didn’t want my daughter to have to look past me for a mother figure who filled her need for physical touch. I knew what I didn’t want but I didn’t know how to prevent it from happening.

God speaks. God speaks, but I will tell you, rarely is it when I am unmoving. I was putting something away in my daughters’ room when God answered my specific prayer about responding to those cries of affection from my family.  It is hard to pen what He said but the gist of it was ‘to remember this is important too’.  When my husband or daughter seek me for affection, I need to remember that this meaning them and their need, is important too.  Their need takes precedent over my current task.  Their need is just as important as what I am trying to do for the house.  Their need does mean that I stop what I am doing to give them that touch, smile, hug, or moment they need to continue their day. Their need does not make my task unimportant, but, the task can wait a few moments. Fullfilling their need does not take any significant amount to time but it is of great significance to them.

I needed God to give me this mental shift. I could not have decided on and executed it lovingly with any type of sustainability without Him.

Father’s Are Important Too

downloadEvery other commercial, news outlet, sports program, and print advertisement told people that Mother’s Day was near.  The date was given and the countdown was repeated. ‘Mother’s Day is in two weeks!  Mother’s Day is next Sunday!  Mother’s Day is tomorrow!  Don’t forget about your mom!’  Could not enter a store without a sign giving date of Mother’s Day.  You did not have the option of not knowing Mother’s Day was coming nor when it was.

Yes, Mother’s Day is a commercial holiday and a very lucrative one at that hence all of the commercialism.  However, the sports casters, news reporters, radio personalities and the like all tooted about the importance of mothers and rarely did not have a story to share about how their mother impacted their life. The hype of the holiday was severely escalated.

Do not hear me wrong.  I too am a mother.  Celebrating mothers is important.  It is a great day for many mothers who don’t regularly receive recognition to get some that day. However, the same should be done for Father’s Day as well.

But alas, Father’s Day came and went silently. Fourth of July favors and cook out gear were given more prominence than Father’s Day. Firework displays were up since mid May, right after Mother’s Day as a matter of fact, but not a peep about Father’s Day.  One display.  One display did I see in my local store about Father’s Day and that was only above a tower of Blu Ray discs that ‘Dad would love’.  The same store had an entire section for the Fourth of July. What does that tell you?

Society has neglected the importance of Father’s.  We ought not too. Society is going to do what it is going to do. We, those that know the importance of men in our lives, should celebrate the fathers on Father’s Day. You don’t have to be married with children nor have a good relationship with your own father to celebrate fathers on that day.  Father’s are important. Period. The role of father is equally important with mothers. Celebrate the good fathers you know.  If you don’t know any, don’t hate the day or minimize it. Every mother isn’t great yet she is “supposed” to get flowers.

The Quickie Queen

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of marriage. (Hmm.  That sentence wasn’t powerful enough.  Let me try again.)  Physical intimacy is vital to a healthy marriage. (There I think that was better.)

When my husband and I were to be married, we had pre-marital counseling.  During those 6 sessions, our Pastor said in most marriages, husbands are the sexual aggressors, but in some marriages, the wives are.  I was stunned to hear that.

I knew me.  I knew I was not getting married to be celibate by ANY means.  Being the good Christian girl that I was, my husband was going to get ALL of this woman as soon as we said I do. I was prepared for all the sexual struggles (he wants it all the time) I’d heard married women talk about and just knew it wasn’t going to be in my  marriage.  I was ready to be ready at ALL times.

It is not always lack of desire that prevents physical intimacy in an otherwise healthy marriage.  Life and its burdens can get in the way. Anxieties, deadlines, and sheer exhaustion can prevent the best efforts. Both husband and wife can try MANY workarounds, strategies, and time set aside to circumvent the negative repercussions of a lack of physical intimacy. Sometimes they work.  Sometimes they don’t.  It all depends on finding out what works for that couple. Trial and error is GREAT when it works but depressing when it fails.

Prayer to protect physical intimacy is important.  Ask God about it. Tell him what you desire and share that with your husband.  Watch God work it out.  He created sex to be with you and your husband. He will make it happen.

There is something to be mindful about when you do pray about physical intimacy.  Do not sabotage your effective prayers with your presets.  The Bible says ask and you shall receive, but be warned not to sabotage the receiving process. God will work in that important area of your marriage.  Start by having him work with you. My story is that while I asked, I remain the same. I responded the same way to my husband when he made an efforts.  That is self sabotage. His gentle touches, impromptu hugs, requests to have me sit near him for a bit (even while I was in the middle of making dinner) are all signs that he desires me. It may take ALL day for the bedroom to take place but he gives clues ALL day that it is on his mind too.

I have sabotaged myself. I was never one for the build-up to the end; not for common everyday practice.  That mess was cool when the only children we had lived with their mothers but now that we have two cock-blocking terrorists (yes, they are blessings and we love them but they do NOTHING to enhance the bedroom), I am in hit-it-and-quit-it mode, ALL the time. No chill. I have become the Quickie Queen.

My work around was to be “ready” at a moments notice. What should have been a temporary fix had become my preset to the point where all I looked for is “right now”.  My preset became to brush off all forms of telling physical contact because it wouldn’t produce immediate results.  Why? Because we could build up all day and one phone call (church, children, or job related) would change the evening.  All the build up for blue clit (female version of blue balls). The emotional build up would be there, the physical touches would be there, the anticipation high and then, nothing. Like a romance novel that ends with nothing but a goodbye wave.

To protect myself from the let down, I would say things like, “Don’t start anything you can’t finish,” and similar phrases to convey that I was not satisfied but desired to be. Talk about poor word choice.  That did nothing to build up my husband. That did nothing to bolster our bedroom. I sabotaged my desires.

While praying for God to move, I still spoke and responded the same way. While in the process of receiving my request, which was evidenced by his touches, words, and nearness, I sabotaged the receiving process by being unresponsive/negatively responding to what was offered. My fear of the possibility of something interfering with our bedroom became a brick wall that prevented me from receiving anything.

Once that realization came crashing down on me, I am now eager to respond to all promise offerings my husband gives me. Why? Because the phone calls weren’t his fault.  I wasn’t the only one disappointed. However, instead of working through that shared emotion together, I shut me and my blue clit off. Shutting off inhibits receiving of any kind.

If you want to receive from the Lord, don’t shut off and don’t sabotage.

Happy Humping!

Marital Advice, Newly Acquired

I have a pet peeve.  If I give you a task that is important to me, do not pass that task off to someone else. 

Pisses me off to no end when people do that! 

This evening, I had a few things I wanted to straighten up and it would go faster if I wasn’t wearing baby Grace. My husband was relaxing on the couch. I went to hand her off to him. She was quiet and having, what I call, happy pleasant moments. She had a full belly and a clean butt so she would be fine for at least 15 minutes. As I went to hand my husband our daughter, a family member came over to us. My husband said that I should give the baby to that family member. 

I. Was. PISSED! And thrown off. I was taken completely off guard by his response. Any other time the baby is having pleasant moments or even when she is crying, he comes to take her for a few moments. I totally expected him to jump at the chance for a longer period of time with her. I did NOT want to hear, “hand her to so-and-so.” 

Praise God, the family member said it was up to me what I wanted to do. I said, emphatically, that I wanted the baby go to to her father. The family member kissed the baby and walked away. My husband kept the baby until she needed to nurse again.

I had a chip on my shoulder for the remainder of the evening. What just transpired has happened before but I felt obligated to hand off my baby even though it went against everything in me. I almost handed her off again this evening. I am salty with myself for even thinking that I didn’t have a choice in the matter and that I didn’t speak up first. 

I was also angry with my husband for even suggesting that I hand her off. He is her father! I was giving him our daughter not the to be passed up on.  I held on to that anger for the rest of the night. I kept thinking how I was going to bring it to his attention. I played scenarios over and over in my head. It consumed my evening. 
Then it occurred to me. As far as my husband is concerned, the matter is over and done with. He wouldn’t even know what I was taking about if I brought it up to him. In his mind, he took the baby and that was that. End of story. 

I need to let that be the end of the story too. 

Changing My Words To Be More Encouraging

My husband is a hard worker, a very hard worker. He always has been. Recently, he has started working in a new revenue stream for our household. The hours aren’t ridiculous but he is so tired when he comes home that I feel helpless. Pregnancy hormones are not assisting me in my feelings in a good way either. 

I look to encourage him and support him without making him feel guilty for leaving the house. I had to tell Jazmine what to say to encourage her father too. Previously, she would say, “Why do you have to go and leave me to work all the time?”  That used to crush my man. All of my ‘don’t you enjoy eating’ etc comments weren’t swaying her. 

I finally had to break it down to her and tell her that when a man leaves the house, you give him wings, not chains. I told her that the better thing to say is “Thank you for working so hard for me Daddy. I can’t wait for you to come home.”

I’ve had to take a page out of my own book today. I want my man home! I’m feeling lonely and mucho sensitive but I had to catch myself before contacting him to make sure my words share how I feel about him but still give him wings because I know my man. He will stop what he’s doing and come home to see about me. And truly, as much as I want that, it is not seriously necessary today.

So, before speaking, or communicating to him in any way, I will first get myself together and keep the big picture in front of me and not my momentary state of mind. 

That is all.

The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Ever Say!

Last week was hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish of thought, feelings of hopelessness and defeat that I experienced. But praise God! Trouble don’t last always.

After much prayer, surviving off of God’s word (which lead to a new Bible Study and a new devotional), and acceptance of His will, HE DELIVERED!

My husband said the absolute most sexiest thing a man could ever say to a woman that feeds her very essence. He said,

“I will fight for you.”

Say what?!?!?! Those five words opened a dam of affection that had been stopped. Those five words were the release from being in a bad head space, hopelessness, and defeat. He followed up those words by saying he loved me and that he would die for me.  I know those words are true but those first five words mean so much more than the rest of his declaration to me.

I could only smile but I did not simply smile.  I smiled hard.  His words more than just touched me.  They fed me. I smiled outwardly but inwardly, I was beaming from ear to ear.  My eyes even smiled!  I read a lot of books and have read the expression that someone’s eyes smiled although their mouth never moved.  Now I understand.  My mouth smiled, but more importantly, my eyes smiled.

I keep replaying that scene of my husband and I in my head and continue to smile. Not only did he say he would fight for me, he has been backing up ever since. Full speed ahead.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

I felt myself coming to the end. I felt me growing empty.  Think of a jar of peanut butter.  You know you are close to the end when you can see through parts of the bottom of the clear jar but you also know that if you use a spatula, you can scrape out at least two more sandwiches worth of peanut butter before throwing away the jar.  That is how I felt.

Hopefullness had left.

Trust had failed.

Words spoken were not kept.

Communication ceased.

I got nervous; unsure.

I could feel all the patience God has grown me to have with his people and trust God has developed in me in Him get to the tethered end. I could feel myself scraping every last piece of patience and encouragement I had and even then continued to scrape to see if I could rustle up some more.  It finally wore out.  I was empty.  I could feel it coming and nothing I did prevented it from happening.

My attitude soured.

I became short with folks.

I closed myself off.

All my thoughts were geared to “how am I going to fix this if failure comes again”.  I stayed completely unplugged from all loud factors; television, pleasure reading, personal projects.  I refused all of it.  I longed to hear from the Lord and I did but it wasn’t what I was expecting.

I expected an immediate refuel of all the patience and encouragement I’d dished out.  I expected a sense of peace that surpassed all understanding.  I expected to once again look on people with love.

That didn’t happen.

The exact opposite happened.

I had contempt in my eye. Arguments building up in my brain to unleash when the pressure built up to be unbearable. Exit strategies began to form. Anything and everything came into play to keep me from admitting the truth.

My feelings are hurt.

I’d been let down.

Because I am not currently emitting loving vibes, communication has been terminated.

Confused.

Scared.

Lonely.

As soon as I hitched my line onto the foretold shooting star, it fell. I never bought into it before but this time, this time, I thought things would be different.  I saw the spark again; the determination. I saw assurance and a granite will that things were going to change whether I believed it or not.

That was the difference this time around.  I jumped in hook, line, and sinker.

Unfortunately, it looks like I should have kept my reservations very much alive but quietly to myself. Now I have to mourn what won’t be and accept what is in front of me.  I can’t make it seem any more than what it is. I can’t make excuses. It is put up or shut up time and folks have shut up instead of put up. It’s heartbreaking. Now that I have scraped the bottom of the jar of my emotions, I hope to God that He will fill me up again. It’s been a long time since I have felt this hopeless. Please pray Proverbs 14:1 for me that I may act wisely and 2 Corinthians 12:9 that I most gladly will boast in my infirmities (hurt feelings, disappointments, hopelessness) that the power of Christ will rest upon me for His grace is sufficient. #liveoutloud

 

A Great Debate

Every married couple has their own opinion on the subject. Some couples are in complete agreement on the subject and others vary to differing degrees. What am I talking about? Should married people have personal friends of the oposite sex (?).

Yes, I did just open up a big old can of worms 🙂

I have spoken to marrieds who believe that it is necessary for both husband and wife to have friends of the oposite sex.  I have spoken to marrieds that firmly believe that neither husband nor wife should have friends of the oposite sex.  And, of course, there are MANY variations based on circumstances and definitions of what exactly a friendship is. 

I am aware of a couple that (hopefully) should be planning on getting married this year. They are around good council. I know they have heard all of the major points: how to argue correctly, leaving parents and cleaving to spouse, money decisions, and the like. But I wonder what the rate of importance is for this subject?

Some people think this question goes without saying and make assumptions. Others like it nailed to the wall for easy reference 🙂

By nature, men are protectors. They desire to do (action word). They need to be responsible for others. They need to know that they are held in the highest regard by their wife.  By nature, women are relational creatures. We desire a strong sense of closeness to our husbands. We need to feel safe on all fronts: physically and emotionally. 

Regardless of personal views on the subject, these innate needs must be met INSIDE the marriage.  How it works out to look in your family may not necessarily work in another. As long as adultery is not being committed, a balance, an understanding, a willingness to die, must be the level of commitment between husband and wife.

The Sunday Afternoon Blues

Sooooo, I miss 8 o’clock service because Jaz slept longer than normal and I did not want to deal with cranckpot on the morning set aside to corporately worship The Lord.

I realize that this weeks tweeks to teaching 3’s & 4’s Sunday school needs to be reworked again. I hate going to 11 o’clock service because it puts me behind when making dinner and my family serves at both services so they are beyond hungry when they come home.
I wanted to leave but stayed because I knew that was the right thing.

I arrive home to begin to prepare dinner to realize that I left my weeks menu in the van. It’s cold. I like cold but I didn’t want to be in it right then. I finally go get it and begin preparing my 40 minute meal. It involved crushing cornflakes into bread crumb consistency. We have a Ninja. That sucka cut off in the middle to crushing cereal! It’s broken. We haven’t even had it a year.

So what are we doing now? As we speak, we are on our way to a burger joint to eat. I shop on the weekend to ensure we don’t have to go out to eat because I wasn’t prepared! This blows….then again…. I get to go out to eat and there is a good possibility I will be getting a Vitamix 🙂

Anyone else experience the Sunday Afternoon Blues?

Conflicting Emotions

It’s a little after 10PM.  We’ve had a busy day.  Jazmine is in the bed.  My mom calls; I talk to her. I finish our call and briefly talk to my tired husband.  I am finished all of my roles for the day.  I’ve Mommied, wifed, and daughtered. I was beginning to settle in to time for Xara.

I had no real plans but somewhere in the options was a shower, read a book, watch a show, and/or relax on the couch before bed. I see one Jazmine item still left out.  I pick it up to put it away when my husband asks me to rub his foot.

Instantly, I am incensed.  Hadn’t I done enough already?  I took care of everyone else. I am finished now.  I want to take care of me now. Why does one wait until I look like I am about to rest to have an ‘oh but wait, can you do’ moment?

I sat down, quite resentfully, next to my husband and rubbed his foot. It was not mechanical but neither was it loving.  I did provide some warmth to my touch but the emotional resentment was there.  I could feel the tears in the back of my eyes.  I blinked them away.

When is enough enough for the day? When can I say ‘no, I’m done’?  And here I am, wanting more children. Maybe that is why I haven’t conceived. I flare up at the Wifommy responsibilities I have now and I have the nerve to want to add more children to the mix?

I really had to blink hard then to keep the tears at bay. That line of thinking made me feel bad on top of worse. How can I yearn for more and inwardly fuss at what I have?

So now, I am doing nothing on my original things to do list.  Now, I am writing a post about how discouraged I feel about not being able to call an end to my Wifommy day, being angry with my husband for wanting me to rub his feet, and being ashamed about wanting more children given my inward outburst about what my current household size requires.