Physical intimacy is an important aspect of marriage. (Hmm. That sentence wasn’t powerful enough. Let me try again.) Physical intimacy is vital to a healthy marriage. (There I think that was better.)
When my husband and I were to be married, we had pre-marital counseling. During those 6 sessions, our Pastor said in most marriages, husbands are the sexual aggressors, but in some marriages, the wives are. I was stunned to hear that.
I knew me. I knew I was not getting married to be celibate by ANY means. Being the good Christian girl that I was, my husband was going to get ALL of this woman as soon as we said I do. I was prepared for all the sexual struggles (he wants it all the time) I’d heard married women talk about and just knew it wasn’t going to be in my marriage. I was ready to be ready at ALL times.
It is not always lack of desire that prevents physical intimacy in an otherwise healthy marriage. Life and its burdens can get in the way. Anxieties, deadlines, and sheer exhaustion can prevent the best efforts. Both husband and wife can try MANY workarounds, strategies, and time set aside to circumvent the negative repercussions of a lack of physical intimacy. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don’t. It all depends on finding out what works for that couple. Trial and error is GREAT when it works but depressing when it fails.
Prayer to protect physical intimacy is important. Ask God about it. Tell him what you desire and share that with your husband. Watch God work it out. He created sex to be with you and your husband. He will make it happen.
There is something to be mindful about when you do pray about physical intimacy. Do not sabotage your effective prayers with your presets. The Bible says ask and you shall receive, but be warned not to sabotage the receiving process. God will work in that important area of your marriage. Start by having him work with you. My story is that while I asked, I remain the same. I responded the same way to my husband when he made an efforts. That is self sabotage. His gentle touches, impromptu hugs, requests to have me sit near him for a bit (even while I was in the middle of making dinner) are all signs that he desires me. It may take ALL day for the bedroom to take place but he gives clues ALL day that it is on his mind too.
I have sabotaged myself. I was never one for the build-up to the end; not for common everyday practice. That mess was cool when the only children we had lived with their mothers but now that we have two cock-blocking terrorists (yes, they are blessings and we love them but they do NOTHING to enhance the bedroom), I am in hit-it-and-quit-it mode, ALL the time. No chill. I have become the Quickie Queen.
My work around was to be “ready” at a moments notice. What should have been a temporary fix had become my preset to the point where all I looked for is “right now”. My preset became to brush off all forms of telling physical contact because it wouldn’t produce immediate results. Why? Because we could build up all day and one phone call (church, children, or job related) would change the evening. All the build up for blue clit (female version of blue balls). The emotional build up would be there, the physical touches would be there, the anticipation high and then, nothing. Like a romance novel that ends with nothing but a goodbye wave.
To protect myself from the let down, I would say things like, “Don’t start anything you can’t finish,” and similar phrases to convey that I was not satisfied but desired to be. Talk about poor word choice. That did nothing to build up my husband. That did nothing to bolster our bedroom. I sabotaged my desires.
While praying for God to move, I still spoke and responded the same way. While in the process of receiving my request, which was evidenced by his touches, words, and nearness, I sabotaged the receiving process by being unresponsive/negatively responding to what was offered. My fear of the possibility of something interfering with our bedroom became a brick wall that prevented me from receiving anything.
Once that realization came crashing down on me, I am now eager to respond to all promise offerings my husband gives me. Why? Because the phone calls weren’t his fault. I wasn’t the only one disappointed. However, instead of working through that shared emotion together, I shut me and my blue clit off. Shutting off inhibits receiving of any kind.
If you want to receive from the Lord, don’t shut off and don’t sabotage.