A reader sent this link to me and was curious to know my thoughts on the subject. Please take a moment to read the article before reading my thoughts.
Growing up, I knew I wanted to be a Mommy. There was no greater thing to be than to be a Mommy. I looked forward to getting married and having children (in that order) but I was more excited about having children. I remember riding in the car with my mom and my siblings, telling her about how many children I wanted to have. I said I wanted to have twins, triplets, quadruplets, and quintuplets and then I was going to adopt some too!
But that changed. It changed when my friend (who later became my husband) told me he was going to be a father again. When we married, I was completely against having a baby. I remember telling our pastor during pre-marital counseling that I was not having any babies. He already had a boy and a girl. I couldn’t improve upon that. I didn’t think there was anything left for me to do.
Some family members would ask if we were going to have a child. I would quickly answer no. I had no desire WHATSOEVER to have a baby. How did that happen? I had fears. I was afraid that our child wouldn’t be as special to him or to his family. I was afraid that our child would be mistreated because s/he was mine. I was afraid that I would be treated as the “third in line to have Brian’s baby”; that my child’s birth would be like watching a movie on repeat instead of a special event.
Those were my main fears due to my position as an bonus mom. I also had other Mommyhood fears.
I was afraid of losing sleep. (I love a good nap at a moments notice). I was afraid of having to raise a child past infancy. I wanted to be “ready” to have a child. I wanted to get the that place where wanting a child was more important to me than being able to get up and go see a movie whenever I wanted to. My husband and I have rather strong opinions about parenting. I was afraid that, if I became a parent, I wouldn’t be able to walk the talk. I was afraid of making our child an idol; placing more importance on the child than God.
Then, something happened. I don’t remember what it was but I began to desire a child. Looking back on it now, I think I still deeply wanted a child even when I was in my I-don’t-want-a-baby-ever-in-life mode. I was just too afraid to admit it. The desire was so deep. I think I was more afraid of having such a strong desire and never being able to have a child either because of physical difficulty or financial ability.
That’s my story. I often wonder what other women’s stories are. What happened? There is always a story. There is always a reason even if we haven’t dug deep enough to figure it out. I knew a few women never thought they would have a child so as a way of protecting their feelings, they decided to adopt a feeling of ambivalence. I know other women who, because they had no experience with babies, didn’t desire to have a child because they would be novices at it when they currently were professionals in their careers.
There are a myriad of reasons for maternal ambivalence. I think the bottom line is, do you trust God enough? Do you trust him with your vulnerabilities, known weaknesses, and fears? Do you trust him enough to know that He knows your strengths? Do you trust Him enough to know that He never makes mistakes (although at times, to our human eye, it seems like He does make mistakes)? Those questions take a lifetime to answer. Each situation and circumstance, comes with an opportunity to bring you into a deeper level of trust in Him.