God Is Sovereign Over Fertility

download-2I peed on the stick. Only one line appeared.

I knew I wasn’t pregnant. My breast felt full and heavy, but not tender. I was tired but not fatigued. I wanted to be pregnant but I am not.

After yet another negative test (I’ve taken several in the past year after Baby Grace was born) I now wash my hands of trying to conceive (TTC). I AM DONE!

I will no longer chart our days of intercourse.  I will no longer take my basal body temperature (BBT). I will no longer observe my cervical mucus. I will no longer fret about adding anything new to my diet for fear that it will interfere with my fertility.  I will no longer add things to my diet hoping to increase my fertility.  I will no longer look for any signs that I might be pregnant. I will no longer hold onto weight that needs to go using “I might be pregnant” as an excuse.  I will no longer short side planning future activities because “I might be pregnant then”.  I will no longer speak to “if I have another baby”.

I WILL plan my life around my husband and our two beautiful girls.  I WILL plan our coming year with only us in mind. I WILL lose this weight sooner than later. I WILL plan fuller days. I WILL remain free from any thought that will shift my focus from our lovely present.  I WILL live in the present.

I acknowledged God’s sovereignty over my fertility before.  Now, I am fully letting go and letting God be God.

Advertisements

And Sometimes It Knocks The Wind Out Of Your Sails

I was in a good place.

I deleted the menstrual cycle apps from my iPod. I stopped mentally logging the first date of my last period. I began day dreaming of the future with no other child but Jazmine in my minds eye.
I was in a good place!

I had accepted things such as they are.

Only to prove people wrong did I keep a pillow under my hips to try to improve my chances of conception, so people wouldn’t ask me if I had tried it. Only in obedience to God did I walk up in church for prayer, yet again, to ask God for a child because believe you me, I was done requesting. I had already accepted things as they are, but In the last few days I found myself trying to remember the first day of my last period. I started to believe that this month might be the month. I started to run through how and when we would tell everyone we were finally going to have a baby and how God did it in His time. Every PMS symptom was looked at with a critical eye. Every food craving was understood. Every bit of fatigue was a gentle reminder that this might be it…
….until today.

Just left the bathroom.

The presence of Flow removes all hope.

I had a list of things to do today. I was actually on my way out the door. I ate a little something and went to the bathroom.  Disappointment meant me in the bathroom. Disappointment I had not planned on nor did I think it would matter this month. Remember? I was in a good place.

The wind has been knocked from my sails. My get up and go left. I am on the couch eating cheese crackers and drinking water, about to watch a movie, grateful that my mother-in-law took Jazmine out for a while and my husband is on a call because I need a little time to digest it all…again.

When You Are Trying To Conceive

When you are trying to conceive, people around you get pregnant every month.

When you are trying to conceive, other folks around you are trying their best not to.

When you are trying to conceive, you can spot a baby bump from yards away no matter how faint it is.

When you are trying to conceive, ALL baby items go on sale.

When you are trying to conceive, when your period comes on, again, you secretly peek at your husband to see if he is disappointed as well or if he has started to blame you.

When you are trying to conceive, you are genuinely happy for all those you know who are expecting while you wait.

When you are trying to conceive, you explore ALL options of how to get to your goal faster because, in your opinion, you have waited long enough.

When you are trying to conceive, you become an expert in the reproductive system.

When you are trying to conceive, you try not to take someone else’s baby blessing as a strike against you.

When you are trying to conceive, your first sign of Aunt Flow is very depressing.

When you are trying to conceive, the ‘what’s wrong with me’ thought is never far from your mind.

When you are trying to conceive, it is hard to think of anything else; it is a daily itch in the back of your mind.

This is not an exhaustive list and I am sure that by the time this post is published, I will have added even more to the 12 here, but it is enough of a list to help in two ways.  One, for those who are trying to conceive (TTC), you are not alone in your emotions.  Second, for those that know of someone who is TTC, to know what is really going on in their mind so you can empathize with them.

I know a woman whose son died suddenly.  I was not close to her but I wanted to comfort her somehow and I had no idea how to approach her.  She posted a blog someone else had written about how to interact with a grieving parent and it helped me to know what she was thinking and feeling, what was safe to say and not safe to say. This post is not a how-to on what to say to someone TTC but it may help with that brief look/shadow that comes across their face when anything baby is mentioned.

 

 

 

 

The Two Week Wait SUCKS!!!!!

To all who are trying and waiting…may I sit next to you?

My husband and I started to try to conceive as soon as flow made her return.  I took that as my “all clear” sign.  Unfortunately, according to my weekly blood tests, my hCG levels were not at or below 5.  My nurse said I was getting what probably seemed to me to be a period but she wasn’t fully convinced.  Well I was and my husband and I acted like I was if you know what I mean.

But, as God had it, we could not make head way in trying at that time because I was prescribed another medication for another condition that could not be taken by a pregnant woman or a woman trying to conceive.  We had to hold off three weeks.  Painful.

As soon as I finished the medicine, it was too late in my cycle to have a chance at if for that month. Talk about bummed.

As soon as we were able, we got right back to trying. I ordered some early pregnancy test that same month because I wanted to shorten the two-week wait.  I don’t think my cycle was really different since we began to try but because we were trying, I became increasingly aware of anything that could be perceived as a symptom. I would get psyched up and have a huge let down at the first hint of a period. I even dreamed that I had sore breast once that was so real that when I woke up, my breast were really sore…or so I thought.  As soon as I rubbed them to check if they were in fact sore, the “soreness” disappeared.

When I went to order the pregnancy test, I saw they had a kit for sale that included ovulation test strips as well.  I knew the Lord was saying to get the kit but I didn’t do it.  After all I have an app that tells me when I ovulate, when my period is due, and when I am most fertile.  I didn’t need help trying to conceive, I needed help knowing if I was pregnant.  After that disappointing month, I ordered the ovulation test strips. I tested every day from cycle day 13 through 23 and got nothing. I had faint lines, barely there lines, and no lines but never a bold line or a line equal to the test line.  My husband and I still worked at it but I had no way of knowing if there was anything to “talk hold” of.  I figured that if God told me to buy the test that it would have worked and I would know for sure if our days of trying would have a shot at conception.  Not sure what His plan is but at least I know that up until this point I have not been disobedient in this regard.

So now, here I am cycle day 25 with heavy feeling, fuller looking breast, a feeling of bloat in my belly, very mild cramps yesterday, no twinging (which is a good sign for me), and increased appetite (which could just be my greediness in general rearing its ugly head.  You may want to read about Rhonda) hoping I’m pregnant. I even took one of the early pregnancy test I bought.  Yes, I know it’s “too early to tell” but I was hopeful.  Yes, it was negative.  My two-week wait is down to 6 days as of tomorrow (I have a 32day cycle).  I will test again in three days because with the test I bought, it should be able to tell me then for sure. Here’s hoping.

Update: I handled the disappointment of not being pregnant better this time.  I am so focused and comforted knowing that God is the best Mommy-baby matchmaker that I have no more worries. It will happen and I will enjoy life.

The Two Week Wait SUCKS!!!!!

To all who are trying and waiting…may I sit next to you?

My husband and I started to try to conceive as soon as flow made her return.  I took that as my “all clear” sign.  Unfortunately, according to my weekly blood tests, my hCG levels were not at or below 5.  My nurse said I was getting what probably seemed to me to be a period but she wasn’t fully convinced.  Well, I was and my husband and I acted like I was if you know what I mean.

But, as God had it, we could not make head way in trying at that time because I was prescribed another medication for another condition that could not be taken by a pregnant woman or a woman trying to conceive.  We had to hold off three weeks.  Painful.

As soon as I finished the medicine, it was too late in my cycle to have a chance at if for that month. Talk about bummed.

As soon as we were able, we got right back to trying. I ordered some early pregnancy test that same month because I wanted to shorten the two-week wait.  I don’t think my cycle was really different since we began to try but because we were trying, I became increasingly aware of anything that could be perceived as a symptom. I would get psyched up and have a huge let down at the first hint of a period. I even dreamed that I had sore breast once that was so real that when I woke up, my breast were really sore…or so I thought.  As soon as I rubbed them to check if they were in fact sore, the “soreness” disappeared.

When I went to order the pregnancy test, I saw they had a kit for sale that included ovulation test strips as well.  I knew the Lord was saying to get the kit but I didn’t do it.  After all I have an app that tells me when I ovulate, when my period is due, and when I am most fertile.  I didn’t need help trying to conceive, I needed help knowing if I was pregnant.  After that disappointing month, I ordered the ovulation test strips. I tested every day from cycle day 13 through 23 and got nothing. I had faint lines, barely there lines, and no lines but never a bold line or a line equal to the test line.  My husband and I still worked at it but I had no way of knowing if there was anything to “talk hold” of.  I figured that if God told me to buy the test that it would have worked and I would know for sure if our days of trying would have a shot at conception.  Not sure what His plan is but at least I know that up until this point I have not been disobedient in this regard.

So now, here I am cycle day 25 with heavy feeling, fuller looking breast, a feeling of bloat in my belly, very mild cramps yesterday, no twinging (which is a good sign for me), and increased appetite (which could just be my greediness in general rearing its ugly head; you may want to read about Rhonda) hoping I’m pregnant. I even took one of the early pregnancy test I bought.  Yes, I know it’s “too early to tell” but I was hopeful.  Yes, it was negative.  My two-week wait is down to 6 days as of tomorrow (I have a 32day cycle).  I will test again in three days because with the test I bought, it should be able to tell me then for sure. Here’s hoping.

Update: I handled the disappointment of not being pregnant better this time.  I am so focused and comforted knowing that God is the best Mommy-baby matchmaker that I have no more worries. It will happen and I will enjoy life.