God Is Sovereign Over Fertility

download-2I peed on the stick. Only one line appeared.

I knew I wasn’t pregnant. My breast felt full and heavy, but not tender. I was tired but not fatigued. I wanted to be pregnant but I am not.

After yet another negative test (I’ve taken several in the past year after Baby Grace was born) I now wash my hands of trying to conceive (TTC). I AM DONE!

I will no longer chart our days of intercourse.  I will no longer take my basal body temperature (BBT). I will no longer observe my cervical mucus. I will no longer fret about adding anything new to my diet for fear that it will interfere with my fertility.  I will no longer add things to my diet hoping to increase my fertility.  I will no longer look for any signs that I might be pregnant. I will no longer hold onto weight that needs to go using “I might be pregnant” as an excuse.  I will no longer short side planning future activities because “I might be pregnant then”.  I will no longer speak to “if I have another baby”.

I WILL plan my life around my husband and our two beautiful girls.  I WILL plan our coming year with only us in mind. I WILL lose this weight sooner than later. I WILL plan fuller days. I WILL remain free from any thought that will shift my focus from our lovely present.  I WILL live in the present.

I acknowledged God’s sovereignty over my fertility before.  Now, I am fully letting go and letting God be God.

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I Forgot About The Sovereignty Of God…

Little pieces of the puzzle keep coming together. Eventually they will make a beautiful mosaic that reflects God’s majesty but today, it just looks like a bunch of glass bits stuck on a piece of concrete. 

This may be considered sacrilegious but I often refer to stirrings of the Holy Spirt as my Spidey sense :/ Sometimes I heed to it. Sometimes I do not. I wish I had a 100% track record of obedience but I do not.  

Often, my Spidey sense has gone off and I, thinking this can’t possibly be right, have reasoned my way out of obedience. Just as often, when I disregarded my Spidey sense, I would not see any direct consequence which I would then interpret as me making the right call. Well, I can tell you with 100% certainty that disregarding Spidey will bite you squarely in the butt.

I had become used to standing alone. I thought I’d gotten used to it on all fronts because, Lord knows, I certainly have been tried on all of them. But I was mistaken. I wasn’t used to standing alone on topics that my Spidey sense was clearly blaring against but my current peer group did not agree with. I would often, and by often I mean 99% of the time, side with my peers and ignore Spidey completely thinking he had to be wrong  since no one else I trusted backed my Spidey directed stances. 

I can’t afford to do that anymore. 

It hurts me. It hurts others. It’s time spent. 

I have to listen to Spidey and be willing to suffer through being negatively labeled initially, in order to bask in the blessings of obedience in the long run. 

The risk are just too great to do anything other than that. 

When life does not present itself in a natural ebb and flow you’ve become used to, you must look up and acknowledge the sovereignty of God, especially in those areas you consider minute. God’s hand is in EVERYTHING! God’s hand is in everything.