The Goal Is Heaven

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I have a specific sin struggle. It is a daily battle to not entertain the sin I struggle with. I have boundaries set up so I don’t play with it. There are things I can not do to make sure I do not give sin an opportunity.  Things have been going pretty well for the past two years. I had some falls in that time but, for the most part, I would say I was on the upswing…until recently.

I fell.  I fell down. Hard. I was lower than I had ever been. I had entertained sin in a way that I had not done before. The guilt I felt was tremendous. I asked the Lord to forgive me but still felt dirty. I kept apologizing to Him. I stayed (in my minds eye) in sackcloth and ashes. I knew I was forgiven yet, I needed a touch from Him to know that I was okay.

I kept waiting for the spanking, the punishment, the reprimand. I was praying but I didn’t know what to say execept for how sorry I was and that I knew I knew better. I had my quiet time that evening. No lightening strike.  I was desperate, needy, for a touch from the Lord.  I didn’t care if it was a scolding or love.  I needed to know He was still there and that He still cared.  I longed so to hear from him, any interaction would do for me. The next morning, I had my quiet time. (My quiet time consists of reading a few devotionals and 1 chapter of scripture a day). The first devotional I read was dew on dusty ground. I still have trouble describing the experience.  He wasn’t angry; He understood.  There was no scolding; only love. No spanking but a loving hand to hold me close with.

I did not received what I expected (which is the definition of mercy). He told me to keep my focus on heaven for that is the goal. What I struggle with is real.  The lack of remedy for it is real. But those things are smoke screens to what is important.

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