That’s It

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I just got back from the doctors.

Everything is fine. No worries there, praise God.

But something still doesn’t feel right.

Despite my best efforts, I still don’t feel myself.

I talked with my best friend today.  She gave me permission to chill.

I needed someone to do it.  My husband gave me permission but I thought he was just being nice 🙂 When my best friend did it, I actually heard what she was saying.

After Baby Grace was born, I was rarely home. I stayed gone for reasons I’ve already extensively written about. I was always on the move. I literally could not sit still. In order for me to be in a good head space, I had to be gone. Now that we’ve moved, it is just the opposite.  I am happiest when I’m still. I am calm and at peace when I am home taking care of husband, children, and hearth. I felt bad about that. I thought I should remain active for my Jazmine’s sake. I asked jazmine if she wanted to go strawberry picking or go to the playground.  Her answer?  “No. I don’t want to go.” So there is no pressure there. She loves the pool and that is really easy and convenient to get to.  As soon as its hot enough, we can certainly get there.

Since we’ve moved and gotten settled, I’ve been trying too hard to “get back.” Get back to my regular exercise.  Get back to being active. Get back to going out with friends. Get back to going on field trips with Jazmine. Getback to my healthy eating. Get bak to life and what I was before Baby Grace was born but with her in tow.  I am still ob the road to “get back” but I am taking a different method.  I am taking a break from that thinking. I am resting through July. No purposeful exercise. No making daily step goals. No diets or dietary restrictions. No filling up the family calendar. No making plans to fill up the day. No ‘I gotta’ phrases because truly, there is rarely anything that absolutely has to get done.  None of it.

The ONLY thing I am going to do is stretch and drink more water.  That’s it.

Let the (true) healing begin.

(Originally penned August 2016)

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Rest (part 2)

Sunday, December 2, the congregational scripture was Hebrews 4.  Verse 2 and the word ‘rest’ sunk into me like butter on hot bread.  As I meditated on those two things throughout the rest of the service (including the sermon) I received what God was telling me.  1. His words are true.  I am to continue to have faith (believe) what He said He would do continually (yes I know I used continue(ly) twice). 2. I am to rest.

I had been struggling two weeks prior to this.  I believed God was leading me to praise Him during my fast but that didn’t make sense to me so I did minimal praise with loads of entreating or, let me just be honest about it, begging.  It wasn’t until in my reading I came back across the Scripture that spoke of King Jehoshaphat and how he went to battle with Levites (Kohathites) leading, praising the Lord and how the Lord sent an ambush against their enemies (2 Chronicles 20: 20-22). It was then that I realized, 1. how simple it is to praise the Lord.  By simple I mean to praise the Lord does not have to be wordy or be accompanied with acrobatics.  2. Praise is important to the success of the battle. It’s just as important, even more so maybe, than the request itself.

Once I read that, I began praising, solely praising, on purpose throughout the day even after the fast concluded for the day.  That is not to say that I did not pray after the fast when I was begging because I did but this time, while praising, it was more fervent in heart even though my praises were just as it is written in 2 Chronicles 20:21.

Before entering service the following Sunday, I asked God to allow me to hear Him for what He wanted to tell me and not me looking for the answer I wanted to hear.

It was the following Sunday, December 2, that I got my “answer” and was told to continue to believe and rest.

I practice belief because I don’t think about it because I know God’s got it.  It’s a forgone conclusion.  It’s as real as me taking my next breath.  I don’t think about it but I trust it’s coming.  I do rest.  I don’t stress or allow myself to think ‘what if’ thoughts, contingency plans, or the like.  I simply rest and it feels fantastic!

I put ‘answer’ in quotation marks because it wasn’t the answer I was looking for but it was what I needed.  I wanted all I was asking for but what I really wanted as assurance that God was/would still do for us.  And He answered that and then some.

So, looking back, I can say that God didn’t come when I wanted Him but He did show up on time.  He came when I was in the place to receive His words. If He had given me His answer back in November, I would have been angry and not satisfied.  I might have thrown a tantrum by way of excessive spending or made plans to abandon home, put Jazmine in daycare, and go out and make this money.  Those options would have most certainly put us on the wrong path and would have added who knows how much time to our current situation, not to mention the consequences and intangibles of time lost with family.  I wouldn’t have accepted anything less than what I wanted to hear or receive from the Lord.

I think I should have deeper words for this major point I am trying to express but I can’t seem to find them.  To conclude, I can only think to say, open your heart to Christ and receive His words for they are life to any and all situations you may find yourself in.