The Quickie Queen

Physical intimacy is an important aspect of marriage. (Hmm.  That sentence wasn’t powerful enough.  Let me try again.)  Physical intimacy is vital to a healthy marriage. (There I think that was better.)

When my husband and I were to be married, we had pre-marital counseling.  During those 6 sessions, our Pastor said in most marriages, husbands are the sexual aggressors, but in some marriages, the wives are.  I was stunned to hear that.

I knew me.  I knew I was not getting married to be celibate by ANY means.  Being the good Christian girl that I was, my husband was going to get ALL of this woman as soon as we said I do. I was prepared for all the sexual struggles (he wants it all the time) I’d heard married women talk about and just knew it wasn’t going to be in my  marriage.  I was ready to be ready at ALL times.

It is not always lack of desire that prevents physical intimacy in an otherwise healthy marriage.  Life and its burdens can get in the way. Anxieties, deadlines, and sheer exhaustion can prevent the best efforts. Both husband and wife can try MANY workarounds, strategies, and time set aside to circumvent the negative repercussions of a lack of physical intimacy. Sometimes they work.  Sometimes they don’t.  It all depends on finding out what works for that couple. Trial and error is GREAT when it works but depressing when it fails.

Prayer to protect physical intimacy is important.  Ask God about it. Tell him what you desire and share that with your husband.  Watch God work it out.  He created sex to be with you and your husband. He will make it happen.

There is something to be mindful about when you do pray about physical intimacy.  Do not sabotage your effective prayers with your presets.  The Bible says ask and you shall receive, but be warned not to sabotage the receiving process. God will work in that important area of your marriage.  Start by having him work with you. My story is that while I asked, I remain the same. I responded the same way to my husband when he made an efforts.  That is self sabotage. His gentle touches, impromptu hugs, requests to have me sit near him for a bit (even while I was in the middle of making dinner) are all signs that he desires me. It may take ALL day for the bedroom to take place but he gives clues ALL day that it is on his mind too.

I have sabotaged myself. I was never one for the build-up to the end; not for common everyday practice.  That mess was cool when the only children we had lived with their mothers but now that we have two cock-blocking terrorists (yes, they are blessings and we love them but they do NOTHING to enhance the bedroom), I am in hit-it-and-quit-it mode, ALL the time. No chill. I have become the Quickie Queen.

My work around was to be “ready” at a moments notice. What should have been a temporary fix had become my preset to the point where all I looked for is “right now”.  My preset became to brush off all forms of telling physical contact because it wouldn’t produce immediate results.  Why? Because we could build up all day and one phone call (church, children, or job related) would change the evening.  All the build up for blue clit (female version of blue balls). The emotional build up would be there, the physical touches would be there, the anticipation high and then, nothing. Like a romance novel that ends with nothing but a goodbye wave.

To protect myself from the let down, I would say things like, “Don’t start anything you can’t finish,” and similar phrases to convey that I was not satisfied but desired to be. Talk about poor word choice.  That did nothing to build up my husband. That did nothing to bolster our bedroom. I sabotaged my desires.

While praying for God to move, I still spoke and responded the same way. While in the process of receiving my request, which was evidenced by his touches, words, and nearness, I sabotaged the receiving process by being unresponsive/negatively responding to what was offered. My fear of the possibility of something interfering with our bedroom became a brick wall that prevented me from receiving anything.

Once that realization came crashing down on me, I am now eager to respond to all promise offerings my husband gives me. Why? Because the phone calls weren’t his fault.  I wasn’t the only one disappointed. However, instead of working through that shared emotion together, I shut me and my blue clit off. Shutting off inhibits receiving of any kind.

If you want to receive from the Lord, don’t shut off and don’t sabotage.

Happy Humping!

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Marital Advice, Newly Acquired

I have a pet peeve.  If I give you a task that is important to me, do not pass that task off to someone else. 

Pisses me off to no end when people do that! 

This evening, I had a few things I wanted to straighten up and it would go faster if I wasn’t wearing baby Grace. My husband was relaxing on the couch. I went to hand her off to him. She was quiet and having, what I call, happy pleasant moments. She had a full belly and a clean butt so she would be fine for at least 15 minutes. As I went to hand my husband our daughter, a family member came over to us. My husband said that I should give the baby to that family member. 

I. Was. PISSED! And thrown off. I was taken completely off guard by his response. Any other time the baby is having pleasant moments or even when she is crying, he comes to take her for a few moments. I totally expected him to jump at the chance for a longer period of time with her. I did NOT want to hear, “hand her to so-and-so.” 

Praise God, the family member said it was up to me what I wanted to do. I said, emphatically, that I wanted the baby go to to her father. The family member kissed the baby and walked away. My husband kept the baby until she needed to nurse again.

I had a chip on my shoulder for the remainder of the evening. What just transpired has happened before but I felt obligated to hand off my baby even though it went against everything in me. I almost handed her off again this evening. I am salty with myself for even thinking that I didn’t have a choice in the matter and that I didn’t speak up first. 

I was also angry with my husband for even suggesting that I hand her off. He is her father! I was giving him our daughter not the to be passed up on.  I held on to that anger for the rest of the night. I kept thinking how I was going to bring it to his attention. I played scenarios over and over in my head. It consumed my evening. 
Then it occurred to me. As far as my husband is concerned, the matter is over and done with. He wouldn’t even know what I was taking about if I brought it up to him. In his mind, he took the baby and that was that. End of story. 

I need to let that be the end of the story too. 

The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Ever Say!

Last week was hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish of thought, feelings of hopelessness and defeat that I experienced. But praise God! Trouble don’t last always.

After much prayer, surviving off of God’s word (which lead to a new Bible Study and a new devotional), and acceptance of His will, HE DELIVERED!

My husband said the absolute most sexiest thing a man could ever say to a woman that feeds her very essence. He said,

“I will fight for you.”

Say what?!?!?! Those five words opened a dam of affection that had been stopped. Those five words were the release from being in a bad head space, hopelessness, and defeat. He followed up those words by saying he loved me and that he would die for me.  I know those words are true but those first five words mean so much more than the rest of his declaration to me.

I could only smile but I did not simply smile.  I smiled hard.  His words more than just touched me.  They fed me. I smiled outwardly but inwardly, I was beaming from ear to ear.  My eyes even smiled!  I read a lot of books and have read the expression that someone’s eyes smiled although their mouth never moved.  Now I understand.  My mouth smiled, but more importantly, my eyes smiled.

I keep replaying that scene of my husband and I in my head and continue to smile. Not only did he say he would fight for me, he has been backing up ever since. Full speed ahead.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

I felt myself coming to the end. I felt me growing empty.  Think of a jar of peanut butter.  You know you are close to the end when you can see through parts of the bottom of the clear jar but you also know that if you use a spatula, you can scrape out at least two more sandwiches worth of peanut butter before throwing away the jar.  That is how I felt.

Hopefullness had left.

Trust had failed.

Words spoken were not kept.

Communication ceased.

I got nervous; unsure.

I could feel all the patience God has grown me to have with his people and trust God has developed in me in Him get to the tethered end. I could feel myself scraping every last piece of patience and encouragement I had and even then continued to scrape to see if I could rustle up some more.  It finally wore out.  I was empty.  I could feel it coming and nothing I did prevented it from happening.

My attitude soured.

I became short with folks.

I closed myself off.

All my thoughts were geared to “how am I going to fix this if failure comes again”.  I stayed completely unplugged from all loud factors; television, pleasure reading, personal projects.  I refused all of it.  I longed to hear from the Lord and I did but it wasn’t what I was expecting.

I expected an immediate refuel of all the patience and encouragement I’d dished out.  I expected a sense of peace that surpassed all understanding.  I expected to once again look on people with love.

That didn’t happen.

The exact opposite happened.

I had contempt in my eye. Arguments building up in my brain to unleash when the pressure built up to be unbearable. Exit strategies began to form. Anything and everything came into play to keep me from admitting the truth.

My feelings are hurt.

I’d been let down.

Because I am not currently emitting loving vibes, communication has been terminated.

Confused.

Scared.

Lonely.

As soon as I hitched my line onto the foretold shooting star, it fell. I never bought into it before but this time, this time, I thought things would be different.  I saw the spark again; the determination. I saw assurance and a granite will that things were going to change whether I believed it or not.

That was the difference this time around.  I jumped in hook, line, and sinker.

Unfortunately, it looks like I should have kept my reservations very much alive but quietly to myself. Now I have to mourn what won’t be and accept what is in front of me.  I can’t make it seem any more than what it is. I can’t make excuses. It is put up or shut up time and folks have shut up instead of put up. It’s heartbreaking. Now that I have scraped the bottom of the jar of my emotions, I hope to God that He will fill me up again. It’s been a long time since I have felt this hopeless. Please pray Proverbs 14:1 for me that I may act wisely and 2 Corinthians 12:9 that I most gladly will boast in my infirmities (hurt feelings, disappointments, hopelessness) that the power of Christ will rest upon me for His grace is sufficient. #liveoutloud

 

A Great Debate

Every married couple has their own opinion on the subject. Some couples are in complete agreement on the subject and others vary to differing degrees. What am I talking about? Should married people have personal friends of the oposite sex (?).

Yes, I did just open up a big old can of worms 🙂

I have spoken to marrieds who believe that it is necessary for both husband and wife to have friends of the oposite sex.  I have spoken to marrieds that firmly believe that neither husband nor wife should have friends of the oposite sex.  And, of course, there are MANY variations based on circumstances and definitions of what exactly a friendship is. 

I am aware of a couple that (hopefully) should be planning on getting married this year. They are around good council. I know they have heard all of the major points: how to argue correctly, leaving parents and cleaving to spouse, money decisions, and the like. But I wonder what the rate of importance is for this subject?

Some people think this question goes without saying and make assumptions. Others like it nailed to the wall for easy reference 🙂

By nature, men are protectors. They desire to do (action word). They need to be responsible for others. They need to know that they are held in the highest regard by their wife.  By nature, women are relational creatures. We desire a strong sense of closeness to our husbands. We need to feel safe on all fronts: physically and emotionally. 

Regardless of personal views on the subject, these innate needs must be met INSIDE the marriage.  How it works out to look in your family may not necessarily work in another. As long as adultery is not being committed, a balance, an understanding, a willingness to die, must be the level of commitment between husband and wife.

My Testimony

God placed on my heart to put my testimony out there.  Being transparent, genuine, and authentic is not just for the hearer, but also for the one speaking.

My husband and I were married December 22, 2002.  He had asked me to marry him July 11 (or 12th; it’s shameful that I can’t remember) of that same year.  I wanted to be married before the new year so we could start the new year off as husband and wife.  I know many people were looking at my belly to see if we had another reason to get married so quickly but there wasn’t.  I just wanted to bring in the new year as man and wife.

Except for two of my closest girlfriends, our engagement was pretty much a surprise to everyone that knew us.  We were friends for a few years before any other feelings grew.  We had a Christmas wedding and just had a beautiful time with our friends and family.

Our first year of marriage was different then what I think most married couples faced because we had three children added to the mix.  (Our oldest daughter was 4, our oldest son was 7 months, and our youngest son was born two days after we were married.  Our oldest daughter and youngest son share the same mother and live in Maryland.  Our oldest son and his mother live in Virginia).  So, not only were we figuring out how to share the housework, who paid the bills, and what married life is all about, we also were trying to create a real family environment.

Within the first few months of our marriage, we had our first experience with child support in two states, trying to figure out a schedule were we could see the children regularly, trying to get oldest separation anxiety prone son to like us, and, not to mention all of the regular first year of marriage challenges plus a whole host of other things that stem from having children out of wedlock by two different women!  Talk about a whirlwind of emotions!

I was as ready for all of this as I could have possibly been but there is nothing like being in it.  There were many times that I cried myself to sleep, had long extended pity parties, blamed my husband for everything, tried to make him feel guilty for past decisions, shut myself off emotionally and physically, and tried to make my husband leave me because I didn’t want the divorce to be my fault.  There are probably many more things that I did during that time.  It was not the best of times but it wasn’t the worst of times either now that I think back over it.  I can see that it wasn’t the worst of times now but it certainly felt like it back then.

In the summer of 2004, my husband and I had our second experience in the court system.  Let me just say that I can see just how quickly an already unpleasant situation can turn ugly.   In the end, my husband released all things regarding our children to the Lord and grew spiritually through this great unpleasantness.

By October 2004, my husband was laid off from his new job within two weeks of his start date.  I was the only breadwinner for a month.  Our cushion that would have carried us for that short time of one income was previously spent on a lawyer.  Our zero credit card debt was no more.  I couldn’t pay our expenses plus child support with just my salary so we moved in with my mother-in-law.  My husband was employed again by the end of November.  We had a six month plan to recover financially and move back out on our own.  God had other plans.

When my husband got his new job, there was also opportunity for me as well at that same location in what was then my current line of work.  I applied and started working there as well.  As it happens, our new employer started having problems in the industry (we worked in real estate) and my husband, seeing the writing on the wall, started looking for another job.  He was employed by another company in January 2005.  I stayed where we were.  By February 2005, I was unemployed.  I filed for unemployment and looked for a job but could find no employment with a comparable salary to what we needed to enable us to move back out.  Our six month plan was officially shot.

After seeking God’s face, my husband said that he wanted me to stay home.  This was a huge adjustment for me.  I always wanted to be a stay at home mom but I wasn’t a mom.  Our children didn’t live with us and, at that time, I said that we were not going to have any children ever.  I didn’t know how to be a stay at home wife.

Summer 2005 was pretty rough.  I had my oldest son with me for a good portion of time that summer.  I was trying to think of free things we could do or do things that got us out of the house but didn’t require a lot of driving so we spent a lot of time at friends houses and at my parents house.  As my Mommy says, sometimes it’s just nice to look at someone else’s four walls.

By Fall 2005 my husband and I began our Amway Global business.  This is where I really started to grow and mature.  So many things happened in next three years following beginning our business.  I learned how to be a business owner, I ceased to think like a employee, I learned what it meant to be a helpmeet to my husband, and I learned people skills.  My husband has always had an entraprenurial spirit and already knew many of these things but all I knew was a W-2 income and 401K.  I read.  I grew.  I matured.  I overcome to become instead of succumbing to things.  It was a time of testing whose I was and deciding ultimately on doing what God wants when He wants and how He wants rather then making my own path.  It was such a blessing although, again, it didn’t feel like it a lot of the times.

In 2006, my husband started his own business as well and in the fall of 2007, I finally got on board with him.  Previously, when beginning Amway, I took the reigns and began building our business.  I forsook my husband.  I stopped listening to him and listened to everyone one else.  I did not regard his opinion as valid.  I was very disrespectful and completely out of order.  It is not Amway’s fault nor the fault of those whom I was associates with.  On the contrary.  I received very good advice on what my conduct should be towards my husband but I decided not to head it.  My poor perspective of my husband made me succetable to my own devices in which I made many bad financial decisions with money he didn’t even know about because I didn’t grant him access.  I know I know.  I was horrible.  Praise God for forgiveness!  I finally learned how to work with my husband instead of fighting against him.

June 2008, I found out I was pregnant.  Talk about surprise!  We had been married for 6 years!  I knew my body!  Talk about divine appointments!  I grew, in more ways then one, during my pregnancy.  I began to understand what a godly mother is.  You don’t become godly for your children.  You become godly for you.  Your decision to “not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom 12:2) is reflected in all parts of your life.  Your children, and your husband for that matter, bask in the good fruit that you bear from making the decision to do so.

March 12, 2009 at 5:48AM, ten days later than her due date, Ms. Jazmine Imani Lee was born via C-section.  I was high as a kite until early afternoon the same day.  After my C-section, I had surgery to remove a cyst that grew along with her in my uterus.  (Gotta love drugs).  The birth of our daughter was such a beautiful experience.  I look forward to the day when we can actively on purpose try for another.

The next year, in a nutshell, was all about motherhood.  Two weeks of some normal baby blues and adjustments, new baby doctor’s appointments, acclimating to our permanent family of 3 and our every other weekend family of 6, making space, looking for a place to live, wanting to know what time Jazmine’s mother was going to pick her up Sunday, and when our child support check was going to come.  (Smile.  That was a bit of humor).

I have gone from bonus mom to a bonus mom who is also a mom and I have learned this from the transition.  Motherhood is motherhood regardless of your marital status.  Period.  Staying up all night with a sick baby, taking her to doctor’s appointments, taking her to birthday parties or paid for activities, changing diapers, discipline, carrying diaper bag, baby, your pocketbook, Bible, keys, and yourself to and from where ever is MOTHERHOOD!  Because a woman has decided to be a single parent (regardless of how she became a single parent because there are many many many situations that make it possible) or a woman is married before having children, the basics of motherhood is the same.  I am not saying, however, that being a married mother is not any easier than being a single mother.  What I am saying is that the role of a mother is the same regardless of whether you are married or single.  The state of your marriage or the state of your singleness will determine if you take on other responsibilities outside the basics of motherhood.

Present day.  Our oldest daughter is 11, our oldest son will be 8 in a five days, our youngest son is 7, and our youngest daughter is 14 months.  Our business, the one my husband started, is good.  We are still Amway Independent Business Owners but we are currently not sharing the business as an opportunity; working with only customers at the present time.  I am now a stay-at-home-Mom and I love it!  We still live with my mother-in-law in her house. Can we move?  Yes.  We can afford it but it doesn’t feel right.  We are not at peace about it.  Trust me, I have a ongoing list of things I want to buy for my house, what I want to do in my own space, etc etc but if we have learned anything throughout all our years here is that God’s time is perfect.  I do not want to move out only to find that we have to move back because we were disobedient.  All the conditions look good to buy a house but God hasn’t given a clear word therefore, we are not moving.   I love my husband.  I support him.  If anyone attacks him, they attack me and I am not to be played with.  I’ve said that I am a sinner saved by grace but mess with my husband and I will show you just how saved by grace I really am!  I’m joking…kind of…not really…just don’t try me.