Not The Mommy I Thought I’d Be

I wish I can remember the exact date when I wrote this. I believe it was sometime winter 2016 or early 2017.  Last year was a hard school year. New baby. New home. New routine. A lot of growth I had to do as a wifommy. This was something I wrote when in the thick of things. 

download-1I am not the mother I want to be. I am not the mother I thought I would be. wifommyhood is harder than I thought it would be. The dishes, the laundry, the education, and that is just the daily grind. Not to mention everything else! I yell more than what is effective.  My patience often comes after the fact.  I still suck at making lunch. And dinner? My husband no longer eats white (bread, rice, flour etc) which makes thrown-together-meals just about non-existent. I am increasingly behind in grocery shopping which seems ridiculous with only having a four person household. By 4 o’clock, I’m done! I’ve had it for the day. I want to do NOTHING! I don’t want to listen to anymore 8yr old thoughts. I don’t want to train a 14 month old on the importance of “listening to Mommy” and “don’t hit sister!” My husband comes home and I try not to be a shell of a woman for him but he has his own needs and I will often see him as someone else who needs something from me. I am thoroughly stumped with my life right now. I’d like to hope that this getaway I have coming up will help but I am not so sure.

Homeschoolers left and right showing accomplishment after accomplishment talking about “the magic of homeschool”. Bah! Can I get some of that? Feels like I’m slouching in at least two subjects with her (Jazmine) while our peers are taking field trips, completing projects and what not.

Next year, I will be the outsourcing Momma. Yes, she will have five subjects taught via tutorial or a co-op. Yes, she will be in “only” two extra curricular activities and not 3 or more. Yes, I will “only” be teaching 3 subjects at home. Yes, I will be looking into house cleaning help sometime this summer. Yes, I will leave the house to come home and expect it to be clean. No, I will not be ashamed. Why? Because I am going to remember this time in my life right now and know why we are doing what we are doing.

Update: I am outsourcing 5 subjects. She “only” has two extracurricular activities. I did have someone clean my house after we moved it. I have learned that others decisions for their household is not a judgement against mine. Amen!

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Self Discovery Through Parenthood

I snapped at Jazmine today.  I overreacted.

We just returned home from a birthday party.  The party was outside, at a park, in the grass.  It was a nice day today. Hot when the sun was out and cool enough to wear a jacket when it went behind the clouds.  We were out there for three hours.

I don’t do heat.  I have allergies and this spring (or sprummer as I like to call it) has kicked my butt.  I’ve had very VERY mild allergies in the past three years so this year took me by surprise. Towards the end of the party, I started to feel my allergies kick in.  I took medicine once I got to the party but it was wearing off.  My only thought was to get home, bathe Jaz, shower myself, and relax as soon as possible.

In my mind, Jazmine’s bath was a task. In Jazmine’s mind, her bath was her time of enjoyment when she plays in the tub for a while and talks with Mommy while I wash her up.

I, Zara am a task oriented person. I make lists and I get full satisfaction when I complete a task and am able to check that task off my list.   Jazmine was not my task. Giving her a bath was the task.  I get focused on my tasks and prefer to complete them in a direct order.  My “task” involved the second most precious person to me in the whole world. Jazmine wanted to talk and ask questions just like we normally do and all I did was tell her to hush and threaten her if she did not just sit in the tub, play alone, and stay silent while I washed her up.

As I showered myself, I meditated on what just happened. I see the disconnect clearly in myself now.  Nothing associated with my daughter can be seen as a task because I don’t know how to turn off my task oriented mind  to enjoy her in the midst of the “task”. I get frustrated with not being able to complete tasks as fast or as efficient as I think they should be and then I transfer my frustration to my child; an innocent bystander in my mental map of how things should run.

No more.

Never again.

Nothing associated with my child is a task.  It’s a joy.