July Is Coming

images

It seems like the more that happens in my life, the more I can’t talk about it.

I wish I could tell it all but, as I said in the very beginning, I write what I’m lead as I am led to.

July is coming fast.  I have been gearing up for it since May.  July is when I have my oldest son for the entire month.  It is also when we requested to have my daughter and youngest son spend as much time as they can with us this summer.  The thought always seems really good at the beginning but the closer July comes, the more anxious I get.

I have been on a journey to improve my home management skills.  I am not willing to go into detail about the specifics right now but it is quite an overhaul for me.  I’ve had to learn to think differently and do a better job at managing my time.  It hasn’t been easy. The more I try, the more I feel like I’m failing.  Each week is a new opportunity to learn from my mistakes but it has also proven to be a new week where I fall short in the very same areas I’ve been trying to improve.  By fall short, I mean, I am not even up to par with what used to be normal for me before I started to change!  It is quite exasperating.

Long story short, I already feel like I am walking on shaky ground while trying to find my legs in all of this and to add three children from two different households to the mix is starting to stress me out! It is one thing to fall short. It is another thing to fall short publicly. It is another thing entirely to fall short publicly in front of people who watch your mistakes with glasses on!

The audience itself is enough to make me not want to try; to know that my every movement is silently critiqued and discussed later. But try I must if I am to improve.  If I don’t keep my eye on the goal, I won’t get there. When I fall, because I am sure I will, I will fall forward. Praise God my husband has my back.

(Originally penned 2011)

Advertisements

What Not To Say

I’ve been a Pastor’s wife for all of eight months and I am done with it.  This job is the most thankless job I could ever have. I never know what to do or say.  Even with my spouse I have to be careful because I am also talking to a the Pastor. My heart is to help and be his helpmate and sometimes I get it right!  By the magnificent grace of God I get it right. But when I get it wrong, there is no safe place for me to go.

For the first time as a Pastor’s wife I taught a Bible Study.  This study was different from anything else ever offered at our church before.  It was a very good class and recently ended. My husband instituted something new this year for the classes and I, thinking I am being helpful to him, and trying to shield him from what may be said of this, said I, due to the nature of the class I taught, didn’t think it was a good idea for it to be applied to that class.

That was the wrong thing to do.

I am sure I could feel worse, but right now, I feel pretty bad.

I tried to discuss it.  I tried to maintain the mystery of the class (it was a class for wives only) while still explaining why I said what I said. It didn’t work. I feel like a child that got scolded and, even though they had a valid point, was sent to bed without dinner anyway.

I heard him plainly say that when he does anything, I of all people need to be on board with it especially if it has already been discussed and I made no previous objections.  In my defense, I never considered that the class I taught would be included in this new direction. I was thinking based on what I knew about what I would be teaching and he did not have that foreknowledge.

Apparently, it is too late to bring it up any concerns now.  Apparently, I have taken the wind out of his sails and all things related to Xara have been nixed from his new plans.  I never meant for this to happen.  I can’t fix it because his thoughts are now cemented and I am found wanting.

I now know in quite a glaring way, that I must be careful in all things I say and in all non-verbal cues. That is a lot of pressure.

I know I can’t recover from this blunder of all blunders but I hope to remember what not to say next time.