Always Learning

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Me, ready to teach Zumba

God is amazing!

Previously, I had expressed my concerns over my personality. I shared how, for most of my life, I have been chided on my flaws. This past week, oh this past week, God has freed me from a bondage I deemed righteous.

God does not condemn me. He gave me this dust I am an and, as long as I cooperate, will use it for His glory! I don’t need to be all smiles. I don’t need to try to worm myself into meaningful relationships. I don’t have to strive for what once was. God sees me and knows me where I am and loves me where I am. That is so FREEING!

I used to teach an online Zumba class.  It was hard finding a job once I got certified so, teaching online became a way I could express myself and keep building my skill set. Eventually, I landed two substitute instructor positions. I was more than happy to sub for someone. Within seven months of this whole process, I became pregnant with Baby Grace.  I had always seen myself as a fit mom and I decided I was going to be a fit pregnant woman too just like other woman I had seen. Welp, Baby Grace decided differently. Shortly thereafter, and after many cancelled or shortened classes, I stopped my online class and the paying gig I landed because I just couldn’t do it.  I felt like a failure.  Ever since then, I was looking for ways to claw my way back to my previous fitness level.

Once Baby Grace was 11 months, I decided enough was enough. I was going to get back in shape and teach again. I did just that. I began taking classes again, spending time on the elliptical, and putting fitness back into my every day.  I started subbing again and landed a summer long position. All of that came to a grinding halt in July. The gym where I was teaching no longer offered child care. I could not continue working there because it no longer fit my family.  I continued to sub at another location but needed to stop.  My available time to hone my craft (learn new choreography or come up with my own) changed. I did not have the time to devote to Zumba like I used to.  I couldn’t even take the same amount of classes that I used to.

Despite all of this, I felt I had to get back to where I was.  Finally, I submitted to the Lord my thoughts and feelings about this and asked Him what I was to do.  There are times when, once you are headed in a particular direction, we tend to mark out where we are going and expect no changes to that plan.  That is what I did with Zumba.  I expected that once I was an instructor, I would always be an instructor. That wasn’t God’s plan. Just last week, I quite my ZIN membership (Zumba Instructor Network) and, by the time this blog post is published, I will no longer be a licensed Zumba instructor.  I thought I would feel some kind of way but all I feel is relived. That season, regardless of how much I enjoyed it, is over. I trust God to usher me into a new season. I could not go into a new season if I stayed stuck in the former.

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The Onset Of Change Is Disturbing

I should be happy today.  I should be ecstatic!  But I am not.  Two things are changing in my life and I am ponderous.

My husband and I had a discussion yesterday and I understand that we made a misstep last year.  We moved in a direction that was comfortable for us (well, me) but not what God wanted.  The husband and wife communications skills we have now were not present this time last year to keep us on the path God wanted.  If we (well, I) was able to communicate what I needed our decision would have been different.  Now, we find ourselves at the beginning again, going in the direction God said and preparing for those uncomfortable stages we are sure to encounter. Our end point will be glorious!  Of that I have no doubt but I am a wee bit nervous…dare I say anxious…to begin.  I, we, are not turning back.  I am just taking a (really) deep breath in anticipation of the first step.

I am getting some time back in my schedule this week.  Today is the final day of the homeschool cooperative group we belong to. I was excited this morning but after arriving, I heard that a family I had come to look forward to seeing, will not be joining us next year. Instantly, today turned bittersweet. I didn’t consider myself close to this family but their presence added a little something to my life every Monday. I will not have that next year.

Those two things have me dragging some this morning.  In one case, I am moving in the direction God has us and I am the one initiating the goodbye to others.  In the other case, someone else is moving in the direction God has for them and initiated the goodbye to me.

Life….