God Is Sovereign Over Fertility

download-2I peed on the stick. Only one line appeared.

I knew I wasn’t pregnant. My breast felt full and heavy, but not tender. I was tired but not fatigued. I wanted to be pregnant but I am not.

After yet another negative test (I’ve taken several in the past year after Baby Grace was born) I now wash my hands of trying to conceive (TTC). I AM DONE!

I will no longer chart our days of intercourse.  I will no longer take my basal body temperature (BBT). I will no longer observe my cervical mucus. I will no longer fret about adding anything new to my diet for fear that it will interfere with my fertility.  I will no longer add things to my diet hoping to increase my fertility.  I will no longer look for any signs that I might be pregnant. I will no longer hold onto weight that needs to go using “I might be pregnant” as an excuse.  I will no longer short side planning future activities because “I might be pregnant then”.  I will no longer speak to “if I have another baby”.

I WILL plan my life around my husband and our two beautiful girls.  I WILL plan our coming year with only us in mind. I WILL lose this weight sooner than later. I WILL plan fuller days. I WILL remain free from any thought that will shift my focus from our lovely present.  I WILL live in the present.

I acknowledged God’s sovereignty over my fertility before.  Now, I am fully letting go and letting God be God.


Walking Out My Faith

God does work everything out for your good (Romans 8:28) Do not mistake that to mean that because it works out for your good that it in fact feels good or is the least bit enjoyable.

We are to rejoice always and give thanks in everything (1Thessalonians 5: 16 & 18) That does not mean we are to be happy about things that make us sad or that we are to give thanks for everything thing. That is NOT what the Bible says there.

When you get to the end of yourself, all that remains is God’s sovereignty. The song God is Sovereign best explains God’s sovereignty. It says God can do what He wants to, when He wants to, and how He wants to. Job never did get an explanation and he suffered the loss of all he had (Job 38-42, 1:13-21, 2:7) What makes us think we will get any better than he?

This truth rant is brought to you by Xara’s happy-for-others-sad-for-me/ God, You need to explain yourself episode which was brought on quite suddenly and unexpectedly. You think you grow past certain places only to realize that there is more growing to do on a deeper level.

Rejoice with those who rejoice! (Romans 12:15)

I rejoice with the ones who have and will be moving to a new home. I am excited for the yard their children can play in and for the increase in square footage so parents and children have more space. I rejoice with the one expecting a new baby.

I am disheartened to see others continue to receive the desires of their heart while I still daydream about what it must be like to walk into a house that is solely mine and not shared with anyone but my husband and daughter. I have considered whether or not I should stop holding infants to depress any longings to hold our own.

I don’t know how to go through that except to grow through it with God’s sovereignty at the forefront of my mind. God is an eternal thinker (Isaiah 55:8).  His mind is not finite like mine in ANY way.

I went to sleep so very discouraged last night. Jaz could tell I wasn’t myself and said, to help me out, she would brush her teeth, shower herself, and lotion up. I am pleased to say she did an excellent job 🙂

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him (Job 13:15a)  That is what I am living out right now. I will not back down from my responsibilities (stop washing dishes,clothes, cooking dinner etc). I will listen to the happiness exuding from those who rejoice. I will continue to sow in tears because one day, one blessed glorious day, I will reap in joy! (Psalm 126:5) I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! (Psalm 27:13)