I just got back from the doctors.
Everything is fine. No worries there, praise God.
But something still doesn’t feel right.
Despite my best efforts, I still don’t feel myself.
I talked with my best friend today. She gave me permission to chill.
I needed someone to do it. My husband gave me permission but I thought he was just being nice 🙂 When my best friend did it, I actually heard what she was saying.
After Baby Grace was born, I was rarely home. I stayed gone for reasons I’ve already extensively written about. I was always on the move. I literally could not sit still. In order for me to be in a good head space, I had to be gone. Now that we’ve moved, it is just the opposite. I am happiest when I’m still. I am calm and at peace when I am home taking care of husband, children, and hearth. I felt bad about that. I thought I should remain active for my Jazmine’s sake. I asked jazmine if she wanted to go strawberry picking or go to the playground. Her answer? “No. I don’t want to go.” So there is no pressure there. She loves the pool and that is really easy and convenient to get to. As soon as its hot enough, we can certainly get there.
Since we’ve moved and gotten settled, I’ve been trying too hard to “get back.” Get back to my regular exercise. Get back to being active. Get back to going out with friends. Get back to going on field trips with Jazmine. Getback to my healthy eating. Get bak to life and what I was before Baby Grace was born but with her in tow. I am still ob the road to “get back” but I am taking a different method. I am taking a break from that thinking. I am resting through July. No purposeful exercise. No making daily step goals. No diets or dietary restrictions. No filling up the family calendar. No making plans to fill up the day. No ‘I gotta’ phrases because truly, there is rarely anything that absolutely has to get done. None of it.
The ONLY thing I am going to do is stretch and drink more water. That’s it.
Let the (true) healing begin.
(Originally penned August 2016)