He said I always push him away.
That. Those five words have caused marriages to crumble. That small phrase is a seed that, when full-grown, causes a chasm in a marriage. When he said those words to me, it was as if I had been doused with ice-cold water.
To me, that phrase was a warning light. Not a yellow light but a flashing red light. “Fix this now!”, it screamed. I prayed and I cried.
I asked God not to let me be that person. The person who wants all the affection and love my husband has to offer me but refuses touches and stolen moments when those touches and moments stop me from the task I am in the middle of. The person who is always ready to fulfill my wifely duties but bats away all other affectionate offerings. I did not know that my husband received that as refusals. Until then, I did not classify my actions as refusals. To me, he was trying to get me to slow down and hinder me from completing my task to which, his linear minded wife, would get intensely upset about. I didn’t know that he received my look of ‘dude, why are you slowing me down?! You see I’m in the middle of something!’ as refusal of his affections.
How could I have been so dumb!
I had already been praying and asking God to help me with Jazmine. She is so in need of physical touch. A hug, a tickle, a kiss, rest my head on hers, hand hold, all of that numerous times a day. That is not my love language but it is hers and I struggled with filling her cup everyday. After hearing my husbands words on top of what I was already aware of with Jazmine, I wilted.
Something had to change. I had to change but I was at a loss on how. How to change into something that was so innately foreign to me and how to sustain it. My strength would fail at the second perceived interruption to my task and the third time I heard, “Mommy you never kiss me!”, when I know I kissed that girl at least twice in the past hour. I needed God to do something permanent in me. I didn’t want to lose my family. I didn’t want seeds of infidelity to begin to grow in my husband because he was looking for his affections to be reciprocated. I didn’t want my daughter to have to look past me for a mother figure who filled her need for physical touch. I knew what I didn’t want but I didn’t know how to prevent it from happening.
|God speaks. God speaks, but I will tell you, rarely is it when I am unmoving. I was putting something away in my daughters’ room when God answered my specific prayer about responding to those cries of affection from my family. It is hard to pen what He said but the gist of it was ‘to remember this is important too’. When my husband or daughter seek me for affection, I need to remember that this meaning them and their need, is important too. Their need takes precedent over my current task. Their need is just as important as what I am trying to do for the house. Their need does mean that I stop what I am doing to give them that touch, smile, hug, or moment they need to continue their day. Their need does not make my task unimportant, but, the task can wait a few moments. Fullfilling their need does not take any significant amount to time but it is of great significance to them.|
I needed God to give me this mental shift. I could not have decided on and executed it lovingly with any type of sustainability without Him.