Of course, the title of this post is rhetorical. I’ve answered it SEVERAL times in this blog. Just search the archives and you will see.
Let me clarify so assumptions are not made.
I love my husband who is a Pastor. I love being his wife. I HATE being a Pastor’s wife. How is that different? Let me explain.
I would remain married to my husband if he weren’t a Pastor. I don’t hate my husband. I’m not leaving my husband because he is a Pastor. I love my husband. I enjoy being a wife. I hate being a wife of a Pastor.
If you still don’t get it, that’s fine but please no comments on what you think I am feeling if you don’t understand my opening statement.
Our Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays are for preparing a sermon. Not that my husband only starts on it on Thursdays but that is the day it usually becomes more solidified. When are birthday parties, adult outings, and other social gatherings usually held? Fridays and Saturdays. How many times do I show up looking like a single Mom with two children to events where there are whole families (moms and dads)? Much more often than not. Case in point. I rejoined a local MOPS group. They were having a fun pool event that I knew my Jazmine would love. I was excited to see how Baby Grace would do in the pool. I took my girls and went. I wasn’t expecting to see so many dads. I assumed MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) and thought it would be a large playdate instead of a family outing. My mistake. The pool event was titled a family outing but it my mind, I envisioned women and children. With the exception of one other mom, I was the only one there unaccompanied by my husband. The other mom’s husband stayed home with the infant while she came with the toddler.
I felt horrible. I wanted to shout, I HAVE A HUSBAND WHO LOVES ME AND IS A GREAT FATHER TO OUR CHILDREN! I equally wanted to tell anyone who said hi to me that my husband is writing a sermon so he couldn’t come. I felt the need to quantify why I was alone.
Being a Pastor’s wife is so lonely. There are few you can share your feelings with. Even in a group of Pastor’s wives, you can be told to put your big-girl panties on and suck it up. Well guess what? I suck it up all the time! Can’t I vent? Am I not allowed to be upset? Angry? Hurt? Can I not desire to have an entire weekend to myself? Can’t I desire to have our family hang out late on a Saturday night with friends and go to late service on Sunday? Why is it only a Pastor’s wife that can’t want anything? Why is it a Pastor’s wife that is supposed to suck-it up and (this is the part that is never said but ALWAYS implied) like it?
I love my husband but I hate this role. There aren’t enough Pastor’s wives appreciations on the planet to make this job worth the sacrifice! I’m not dealing with all of the facets of being a Pastor’s wife in this post. This post is specifically about showing up unaccompanied by my husband to family events. Oh but trust, there are many more gripes that I am sure will come out in posts to come.
If you are a Pastor’s wife, you are not alone in feeling alone. You are not alone in hating the role. You are not alone in wanting more. You are not alone. I give you permission to feel, to desire, and to want. Talk about it. Not sweep it under a rug. That is how resentment grows and resentment never grows into anything pleasant.