My Reproductive Life

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ASL sign for “more”

NOTHING, and I mean Nothing, has gone according to my reproductive plan.

Ever since I was old enough to understand pregnancy, I have wanted to become a mother. I had a goal of having six children; three girls and three boys. I wanted to start having children not long after being married; maybe waiting a year before conceiving.  I’d pop children out from the time I started, which according to my timeline would have been in my early to mid-twenties, and be finished by the time I was 35.

My real life was drastically different.

I ended up deciding that I did not want to have children about a year before my husband and I married. After he told me that Anthony was in the womb of another woman, I was so very hurt.  I turned my strongest desire for my life into a dagger to hurt my him. It didn’t work and it wasn’t until now that I realize what I was doing all those years ago. I dressed up my real reason for no longer wanting children by saying my husband already had two children (a boy and a girl) so there was nothing left for me to give him. The real reason was, I was hurt.  I was hurt because I wanted to be the one to give him his first boy. That was taken from me. Because of that, I closed myself off to reproducing (stupid).  I was on either the pill or the Nuva ring for some time. After our first three years of marriage, my hearts desire became to come through the parts I’d hardened and I started to strongly desire children again.

We were in financial hardships by then and having a child was not something I thought we could plan. We were living with his mom and I thought that purposefully conceiving was irresponsible. After our fifth year of marriage, Jazmine was born. A complete, but totally welcomed, surprise.

I so desired more children and desperately wanted to conceive soon after delivery but finances were what they were and I thought it best not to try. On the IUD I went. For our tenth anniversary, my husband and I decided to have another baby.  It never occurred to me that I would have to “try to” conceive but that is what happened. After six months, I was pregnant. A few weeks later, I was no longer pregnant.  Two years later, we were expecting Baby Grace. What a long-awaited answer to prayer!

So here I am, eight months postpartum, hoping to conceive again. I thought it would be quick since, technically speaking, my womb is open. But alas, no baby yet.

I look at large families with a longing heart, yearning for all the love, craziness, chaos, and warmth their families possess. I wish my womb was as open as theirs to conceive and carry. I wish right now, that I was growing a new life inside of me. Envy and jealousy are sins. Unfortunately, right now, they are the sins that I face whenever I come into contact with a large family. Since we are a homeschooling family, most of my mom peers have large families which makes this a daily struggle.

I am grateful for the two blessings I have. None of this post takes away from my thankfulness for having them. This post is an expression of longing for more while cherishing what you have. If this post resonates with you, know you are not alone.

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