It was a hard weekend. We had a full house. Our Bella is a few weeks shy of being adult. We also have two teenage boys, our seven-year old, and our infant. We had a lot of life in just a few days.
Our almost grown daughter is EXACTLY like her mother except even more so. In all the ways I can not stand Tanya, Bella is her twin. It was hard interacting with someone who’s character rubs me all the wrong way. I excise those with similar character traits from my life but I cannot excise Bella. I wanted to. I, truth be told, even tried to, but it was not the right thing to do. I couldn’t do it.
How to deal. How to deal…
I didn’t realize just how stressed I was until they, Bella, Anthony, and Scott, left. As soon as they left, I felt a heavy weight. I felt horrible. I felt so far away from God. I longed for fellowship with Him once more but couldn’t figure out what was blocking it. So, to try to fix things, I started confessing everything. I thought maybe I had hardened my heart to being obedient in some of my other relationships so I began telling God that I would do whatever He wanted me to. I would call and initiate talks, whatever He wanted, I would be obedient to. I wanted to be right with Him and I was desperate to do whatever He asks of me. After confessing things that I wasn’t even sure I was wrong for, nothing happened. I still felt far from Him. I thought I must have gotten something wrong.
I did. I did get something wrong.
But it wasn’t what I thought it was. It wasn’t unconfessed deeds I had unknowingly committed. It wasn’t being hard-hearted. My sin, what was blocking me from being in fellowship with God was unforgiveness.
I had harbored EVERYTHING said or done by Bella, Anthony, Scott, and Tanya that was out-and-out wrong or rubbed me the wrong way. I did not realize the weight unforgiveness carries. Immediately, I started forgiving. I told God I forgave each person. I went line item by line item of just plain wrongs, offenses, and perceived offensives, that I received from each person in the past five days. I said, “God, I forgive so-and-so for this specific offense. I hated that this was done towards me but I forgive them.” Heartfelt, total, complete forgiveness.
I was riding in the car at the time, my husband driving, my girls in the back seat. I’d closed my eyes and prayed, forgiving for a few miles. The peace! The sweet sweet peace! The washing refreshing of right fellowship with God. No more unseen but severely felt barrier between me and my Master. Bella, Anthony, Scott, or Tanya, I could see any one of them now and treat them with a clean slate. No mental playback. No harboring hurts.
I AM FREE!