Rules of Xara’s Village
1. I am Mommy and you don’t trump me.
2.When my child is in your care, you are required to tell me any incident that occurred while in your care when I pick them up from you.
3. I need to be informed of any disciplinary action that was taken upon pickup.
4. You must respect and abide by my words.
5. If you have a problem with me, you absolutely CAN NOT pass that problem on to my child and how you interact with them.
6. If upon observing me and my child, something I am doing could be done better or is out-and-out wrong, you are required to tell me the truth about myself in love.
7. If you are unsure about something involving my child, ask me and LISTEN to my response with both your ears and your brain.
8. If at any point in time you feel that you can no longer abide by these rules, tell me. I will listen and respect your decision to exclude yourself from our village.
Explanation of the Rules
- As a member of my village, you can not willfully decide to go against what I have specifically addressed. If I have said to you, the adult, that my child cannot wear the color green, you can not decide to allow them to wear green when I am gone from your presence. You do not have the autonomy or authority to go against what I have said to you. That undermines me to my child and opens the door for disobedience from my child towards you because, by your actions to disobey me, you have said to them that I am not in authority. That puts my child in a confusing place on whom they are to obey. That does not help their growth in character and thereby excludes you from being in my village.
- If, while my child is in your care, she comes into harms way or is more than mildly disobedient, you are to tell me when I retrieve my chid from you. You do not get to decide the severity of the incident and then determine whether or not you are to inform me. If my chid absentmindedly scratches her face while watching TV, I don’t need to know about it. If she trips and bruises her knee, I need to know about it. If she puts her cup in the sink when you told her to leave it on the table, I don’t need to know about it. If she doesn’t answer you when you call her and you’ve called her in her hearing more than once, I need to know about it. I will monitor the bruise and I will reinforce the “you answer when you are called” rule at home.
- If you spoke sternly to my child when she declined to answer you when you called her (as you should have done as a member of my village) you must tell me what you said and how you said it when I pick my child up from you. You absolutely can not refuse to answer my direct questions about it.
- If I have said to you the adult, that my child can not watch a certain TV program, you are not allowed to permit my child to watch it or have it on in her vicinity. I said no and my no is the rule. If I say yes, she can have dessert even though you the adult know she didn’t eat all of her food, you can not wait until I leave and tell her she cannot have dessert. I said yes and my yes is the rule.
- If you don’t like the way I parent, discipline, love on, or interact with my child, I have no problem with your opinion. I will not, however, permit you to treat my child according to whatever problem you have with me. You can not over parent, over discipline, limit love, or limit your interactions with my child because if it. You are not permitted to over parent because you think I acted to harshly or over discipline because you think I acted too softly for your liking. If you don’t like the way I cuddle my child after disciplining her, you are not permitted to lessen your expressions of love in your interactions with her.
- If you find that I over reacted to something or that I should pay more attention to something in my child or whatever you observe, if, by informing me, will help me and my chid in the long run, you are required to tell me. If what you observe is happening in a heightened state, wait until emotions have died down first before speaking to me. When speaking to me, you are required to tell me the truth in love and with the intention and motivation to help me. If you’ve been dying to tell me your opinion of me and my parenting for the sake of saying how you disagree or point out previous mistakes I’ve made, keep that to yourself. I don’t want, need, nor desire your emotional download of a grudge you’ve long-held and refer back to for your own justifications. That does not help me parent. That shows me your lack of character. That shows me that you aren’t in my village to support me. That shows me that you are in my village as a spectator. Spectators observe and don’t do. Spectators visit villages. They don’t live there. I don’t need spectators. I need active, willing participants. Once you have identified yourself as a spectator, I will no longer consider you as part of my village.
- Do not make judgement calls on big issues with my children. If the movie is rated PG and you know my husband and I only allow her to watch some PG movies, CALL ME! You do not get to decide on the fly if you think she can handle something or not. If you are taking my child somewhere, and upon your arrival, you see something inappropriate and thereby decide to leave, GOOD! We’ve entrusted you with our child for a reason. You are to use your judgement but call me with the unchartered territory. Don’t decide and let me know after the fact or ask me what you should do and then decide not to do it after all. Calling and getting an answer but not following through with what I’ve said is just as bad if not worse than not calling me in the first place.
- If any of my village rules bother you, please tell me. You adult, have your own limitations as we all do. The last thing I need is to put trust in you to carry out the village rules and you know you can’t do it but you try to anyway. My child is at stake here. It is okay to not want to be alone with my child because you don’t trust your words to be life bringing around her. It is okay to not want to watch my child because you can’t handle the things I permit her to do (ie eat cake for breakfast). I totally understand. I will still talk to you and we can have child-free hangouts but you don’t have to be and will not be part of my village. I understand. Truly I do. I currently, have a list of children whom I will not watch because their permitted behavior is too much for me. I have had to catch myself before I over disciplined because I was pissed I had to deal with behaviors that, for me and my house, would have been nipped in the bud at first sight of them. I totally get it if my child is too much for you. You don’t have to be in my village. Before I became a mom, I didn’t want to tell parents about any incident that happened when their child was in my care because I knew the parent would have made a bigger deal then I thought necessary about it. Of course, that was not my call but it bothered me that they, as I saw it, over reacted. My discipline was absolute and didn’t need to be rehashed for the parent upon pickup. I thought their rules were stupid so if the child didn’t act like they were going to pay attention to it, I wasn’t going to reinforce it. When I saw misbehavior, I would mentally catalog it and eagerly wait for the opportunity to say why their child behaved the way s/he did. Again, that was before I had children of my own but having felt that way myself about other people’s children, I am totally aware that others may feel that way about mine. Guess what? IT IS OKAY! I would rather have someone tell me they can not be in my village instead of having to snoop them out.