I don’t know what to write.
The only thing I can do is ask for your prayers.
It has been suggested that I might suffer from postpartum anxiety. I thought I had a handle on it but then, this evening, wham! I was nursing baby Grace and had to hold back the tears.
I try to make a plan of action everyday to do what I need to do to keep myself at an even keel. One of my big support people seemed to turn against me today. I was speechless. They thought my tone was harsh when I addressed a mature person we both know. There was no discussion afterwards. It had been decided I was harsh and out of order. I thought that person understood how hard that mature person makes my life. I thought I had accurately explained the pounds of flesh the mature person’s “help” cost me. I thought my big support person understood that any inch I would give the mature person would end up with them swimming all over me. I guess they still felt I was the one out of line.
That crushed me.
Everyone should have a safe place. My big support person was my safe place emotionally speaking. They don’t make me feel safe anymore. I feel exposed and alone. It used to be just a talk with my big support person would ease any anxiety or restlessness I was experiencing but now, just hearing their name adds pressure. They are now another thing I have to overcome in my day.
So, I am back to having early evening self talks where I tell myself that I am not crazy, that I am a good mother, and that everything will be okay. I am back to saying don’t cry Xara, at least don’t cry in front of them. I am back to taking deep breaths and praying a change comes sooner then later. I am back to fighting tears at inopportune times. I am back to restless sleep.
So, again, prayers are appreciated. Pray that I grow through this because right now, it seems as if I only have two options; learn from my past mistakes and stick to my guns or give others what they want, when and how they want it.