The Bad Guy….

I don’t know what to write.

The only thing I can do is ask for your prayers.

It has been suggested that I might suffer from postpartum anxiety. I thought I had a handle on it but then, this evening, wham! I was nursing baby Grace and had to hold back the tears.

I try to make a plan of action everyday to do what I need to do to keep myself at an even keel. One of my big support people seemed to turn against me today. I was speechless.  They thought my tone was harsh when I addressed a mature person we both know.  There was no discussion afterwards.  It had been decided I was harsh and out of order. I thought that person understood how hard that mature person makes my life. I thought I had accurately explained the pounds of flesh the mature person’s “help” cost me. I thought my big support person understood that any inch I would give the mature person would end up with them swimming all over me.  I guess they still felt I was the one out of line.

That crushed me.

Everyone should have a safe place. My big support person was my safe place emotionally speaking. They don’t make me feel safe anymore.  I feel exposed and alone. It used to be just a talk with my big support person would ease any anxiety or restlessness I was experiencing but now, just hearing their name adds pressure. They are now another thing I have to overcome in my day.

So, I am back to having early evening self talks where I tell myself that I am not crazy, that I am a good mother, and that everything will be okay. I am back to saying don’t cry Xara, at least don’t cry in front of them. I am back to taking deep breaths and praying a change comes sooner then later. I am back to fighting tears at inopportune times. I am back to restless sleep.

So, again, prayers are appreciated. Pray that I grow through this because right now, it seems as if I only have two options; learn from my past mistakes and stick to my guns or give others what they want, when and how they want it.






2 thoughts on “The Bad Guy….

  1. You may want to get your thyroid levels check, all of them, not just the basics. This happened to me and my bf, we both had nearly dead thyroid levels after birth. We used natural means to help elevate our levels since we were nursing. PPD and anxiety can be an under active thyroid, especially postpartum. Prayers…

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