Addiction

A&E’s Intervention is one of my favorite shows. It gives so much insight on where addictions stem from. The addict you see on the TV screen was not always in that state.  Most lived happy lives and were richly loved. A tragic event(s) happened (either for a horrific moment in time or for a horrific period of time) and they reached for pain relief in the form of the available drug of choice.

It may be easy for some to look on an addict of drugs or alcohol and think how completely and utterly opposite they are from you but that isn’t true for me.

I have an addiction (I hate calling it that but I can’t overcome it by willpower alone so I have to call it what it is).  I have to safe guard what I take in through my ears and eyes.  I have to monitor my thoughts.  I have to repeat verses over and over to myself to train my thoughts. The second I don’t do that, the moment I allow something in without testing it against the Spirit of God, I begin a downward spiral.  I don’t realize it yet but it begins there; when I think I can handle something because I’ve been so strong for so long.  The next time I allow myself to meditate on a thought and do not check it against the verses I’ve trained myself to recite in times just like that, I  slide further. I snowball from there and find myself knee-deep in my addiction.

Addictions, regardless of what to, begin the same. Something feels good and, temporarily, fills a void.  You reach for it again and again until it becomes part of your daily life. Somewhere after it becomes part of your routine, there are moments of clarity where you realize that you don’t want to be a slave to that thing. You want to get off of it and you try.  You may last a few hours, days, maybe a few weeks but then you come back.  Not because you really truly want to but because you don’t know how to fill the void with something other than your drug of choice. Nothing else makes you feel that good and causes you to relax.

Until about a week ago, I never understood why those in Alcoholics anonymous always introduce themselves saying, “Hello. My name is ________ and I’m and alcoholic.”  I thought that if you no longer drank alcohol that you could no longer be considered an alcoholic.  You were no longer on the substance so why associate yourself with something you no longer participate in?

I understand now.

Addiction to anything does not go away.  You can recover but once it’s been tapped and indulged, the addict must always be aware of the temptation.

For me, it’s a terrible I cycle of indulgence and guilt. I indulge and then feel guilty.  I feel so guilty that I think there is no hope for me and I indulge again. I say I repent and turn away and am right back to it. The guilt of addiction is tremendous.

Though no one knows of it, it affects my relationships.  You know its bad when you are praying that your children never go down the path you found yet you still plan on when you can indulge again.

Is there hope?  YES! YES THERE IS!

Never think that you can make it on your own.  The second you do, you are on the way down.  The moment you allow yourself to think you can, you have begun to sink.

I enjoy working out.  It is not a chore for me but I had a lot of start and go with it when I first began to workout. I would lessen it’s importance to me because it wasn’t as valued by others around me. As I was coming into my own and working out regardless of what people said, I saw this meme.

I was tired of having to go through the soreness over and over again every time I stopped exercising for a period of time.  I realized, if I never stopped, I never had to be sore like that again. That was key for me then and I am hopping that this same thought will help me persevere from again indulging in my addiction. I can not afford to be arrogant and think that I will never fall back into it.  Pride does not work. Pride kills in more ways than one. My safe guards have to be up, fully intact, and in place for life and not just for a long stretch of time. That is how you beat addiction. That is how you become a victor instead of a victim.

So, here’s to the road of recovery! Day 1.

P.S. My specific addiction was purposefully left out of this post and does not need to be revealed at this time.

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