I Think It’s Time To Let It Go

My husband has often admonished me saying that I do too much.  I never took what he was saying to heart because those admonitions usually came after he wanted me to stop what I was doing to spend time with him and, of course, that free time he had occurred after he had finished what he set out to do for the day. Needless to say, I found the timing of those admonitions suspect.

Recently, the blessing in the womb that I am carrying, has completely turned my daily to-do list upside down. I have been forced to let many things go.  Most are not public works meaning they are not tasks that I need to complete for a committee or for a governing body.  It’s mostly things that made me, me.

I found pleasure in keeping the home.  Tidying up, cleaning toilets, vacuuming, and doing weekly laundry made me feel like I had earned a gold star. Taking my daughter to the playground, on field trips, and visiting friends added a sense of accomplishment to my week. My exercise regime, eating habits, and regular day-to-day physical activity gave me a sense of personal well-being.  All of that, has been turned on its side.

I have had to adjust my viewpoint to what accomplishment is for me. Jazmine has left the house with her hair looking like something I would never have allowed to happen previously but nowadays, I don’t have the breath to argue nor the strength to style it the way I’d like. Making dinner is more like putting edible things together on a plate instead of trying different recipes to create great family meals. Cleaning the house? Haphazard at best. I clean when company comes over and I’ve not encouraged visitors. Laundry gets done when Jazmine informs me that she doesn’t have any clean pants to wear. I exercise when my womb-mate allows.  He is clearly running the show.

All of that took a lot of mental adjustments. I would apologize to my husband almost on a daily basis for not being able to be me, or at least the me I was used to being. He would just look at me with a “are you serious” expression and say, “Do you think it might have anything to do with you being pregnant?”

I understood what he was saying but it was still hard to digest.  Now that I have, I have become a LOT more free to let things go.

One day this week, I went shopping with my mother while Jazmine was home with my husband.  He did school with Jaz that morning.  They got through all subjects except for reading and art. When I got home, I was spent but I had one errand I needed to run…I needed to eat and there was nothing in the house that I wanted. I took Jazmine with me and decided her reading for the day would be reading three labels while we were at the market. Art? I am sure she will do some creative activity on her own in the next seven days. I was perfectly okay with that whereas, had this been a few months ago, it would have never happened.

I used to bank on the assumption that I will go back to being the same old Xara after the baby arrives.  Then, I started to get nervous that the old Xara wouldn’t come back after the baby is born and we adjust to being a nuclear family of four.  Now I understand that God can and will cause change in my life.  He will prune me and make me into whom He wants me to be for Him.  I pray for that so how can I not receive it? It just so happens that little Morty is a catalyst for the changes in this next season.


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