I felt myself coming to the end. I felt me growing empty. Think of a jar of peanut butter. You know you are close to the end when you can see through parts of the bottom of the clear jar but you also know that if you use a spatula, you can scrape out at least two more sandwiches worth of peanut butter before throwing away the jar. That is how I felt.
Hopefullness had left.
Trust had failed.
Words spoken were not kept.
I got nervous; unsure.
I could feel all the patience God has grown me to have with his people and trust God has developed in me in Him get to the tethered end. I could feel myself scraping every last piece of patience and encouragement I had and even then continued to scrape to see if I could rustle up some more. It finally wore out. I was empty. I could feel it coming and nothing I did prevented it from happening.
My attitude soured.
I became short with folks.
I closed myself off.
All my thoughts were geared to “how am I going to fix this if failure comes again”. I stayed completely unplugged from all loud factors; television, pleasure reading, personal projects. I refused all of it. I longed to hear from the Lord and I did but it wasn’t what I was expecting.
I expected an immediate refuel of all the patience and encouragement I’d dished out. I expected a sense of peace that surpassed all understanding. I expected to once again look on people with love.
That didn’t happen.
The exact opposite happened.
I had contempt in my eye. Arguments building up in my brain to unleash when the pressure built up to be unbearable. Exit strategies began to form. Anything and everything came into play to keep me from admitting the truth.
My feelings are hurt.
I’d been let down.
Because I am not currently emitting loving vibes, communication has been terminated.
As soon as I hitched my line onto the foretold shooting star, it fell. I never bought into it before but this time, this time, I thought things would be different. I saw the spark again; the determination. I saw assurance and a granite will that things were going to change whether I believed it or not.
That was the difference this time around. I jumped in hook, line, and sinker.
Unfortunately, it looks like I should have kept my reservations very much alive but quietly to myself. Now I have to mourn what won’t be and accept what is in front of me. I can’t make it seem any more than what it is. I can’t make excuses. It is put up or shut up time and folks have shut up instead of put up. It’s heartbreaking. Now that I have scraped the bottom of the jar of my emotions, I hope to God that He will fill me up again. It’s been a long time since I have felt this hopeless. Please pray Proverbs 14:1 for me that I may act wisely and 2 Corinthians 12:9 that I most gladly will boast in my infirmities (hurt feelings, disappointments, hopelessness) that the power of Christ will rest upon me for His grace is sufficient. #liveoutloud