I was in a good place.
I deleted the menstrual cycle apps from my iPod. I stopped mentally logging the first date of my last period. I began day dreaming of the future with no other child but Jazmine in my minds eye.
I was in a good place!
I had accepted things such as they are.
Only to prove people wrong did I keep a pillow under my hips to try to improve my chances of conception, so people wouldn’t ask me if I had tried it. Only in obedience to God did I walk up in church for prayer, yet again, to ask God for a child because believe you me, I was done requesting. I had already accepted things as they are, but In the last few days I found myself trying to remember the first day of my last period. I started to believe that this month might be the month. I started to run through how and when we would tell everyone we were finally going to have a baby and how God did it in His time. Every PMS symptom was looked at with a critical eye. Every food craving was understood. Every bit of fatigue was a gentle reminder that this might be it…
Just left the bathroom.
The presence of Flow removes all hope.
I had a list of things to do today. I was actually on my way out the door. I ate a little something and went to the bathroom. Disappointment meant me in the bathroom. Disappointment I had not planned on nor did I think it would matter this month. Remember? I was in a good place.
The wind has been knocked from my sails. My get up and go left. I am on the couch eating cheese crackers and drinking water, about to watch a movie, grateful that my mother-in-law took Jazmine out for a while and my husband is on a call because I need a little time to digest it all…again.