Ugh. Feeling Some Kind Of Way.

Bella’s 16th birthday bash is going on as we speak.  I was never invited to go. My name was never specifically mentioned.  Jazmine was mentioned but not me.  No problem.  Didn’t bother me not one bit.

In the days preceding tonight, A LOT went on; so much so that if it were up to my husband and I, Ms. Bella would not have had a party tonight. However that is not my call and my decision to stay home was not a result of this.

My decision to stay home had everything to do with Tanya.  She was calling, passive aggressively, for all hands on deck to help serve and set up at the party.  By all hands on deck I mean my family and Brian’s extended family.  Anyone she could name that was local, she wanted to know if they were coming so they could help. I took immediate issue with that.  First, neither she nor Bella have a relationship with anyone of them. Yes, we are all family but no relationship has been cultivated.  Not because we have not tried but because our attempts have been blocked and, in recent years, Bella has not shown an interest either.  It is only when $omething is needed or the-more-people-we-have-the-better-we-look event comes up that folk want to rally the troops.  That is usury and I am not for that at all.  Second, my husband is Bella’s father; not just a pair of hands to be used at will.  Third, I don’t like the tone she takes on when speaking to my husband when it comes time to break down parties.  I have heard it before and never stepped in but now, I would step in and not hold back. Fourth, I would not be there to be an extra pair of hands.  I would purposefully not help because I don’t like disorganization nor do I like the you-are-family-only-when-I-need-you-attitude.  There have been enough digs toward my husband this week and I need not be around hearing any.

I was solid in my decision up until everybody left for the party.

Jazmine stayed with me. I have enough angst with her being in Bella’s environment as it is.  Not because I think her mother’s family would harm her but that their negative words and put-downs would reach her ears.  People tend to run in a very high gear when it’s event time and I have seen these folk in low tide and it’s still not peachy.

My husband took a trusted friend with him to help him set up and serve at the party. My mother-in-law, who up until the last 24hrs, wasn’t going decided to go.  We didn’t know the venue address until yesterday and only found out the date of the party two weeks ago; mind you Tanya has been planning this shindig since January. No joke.

Once everyone left, I started feeling, well, left out.  Once my husband called to say how nice it looked and how much I would have enjoyed it, I started feeling like I was really missing out.

I think I am feeling guilty. In my guilty state, I have made apple cake tatin, apple butter, kale chips, and I am about to make a sweetened condensed milk pound cake. No worries about me eating any.  I just want to busy myself with something productive.

I know I had my reasons to stay home.  I truly don’t think that my presence would have added to the party.  I am now wondering if Bella, who once used to enjoy my company, will look back and take issue that I wasn’t there.

I am the type to call a spade a spade.  I must call this what it is.  A stepmom fail.



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