You can’t undo the past.

You can only learn from your mistakes.

You can not carry out shoulda-coulda-woulda’s with stand-ins to try to make up for past deeds with others.

Regret doesn’t always leave you.  Twinges of it will raise its head every now and then.

Choose to walk through poor choices with Christ so you have a testimony when it’s all said and done.

I saw a high school friend of mine get married today via pictures posted on Facebook. What I saw in those pictures was the sum of decisions I’ve made.  I felt a sudden onslaught of emotions, regret being the loudest of them all. As with most weddings, it was a mini reunion amongst friends. I was close to the bride, her maid of honor, and a few of the invited guests but I was not there.  Why would I be?  I did not carry those friendships on.  When I left high school, I left her/them behind.

What I saw in the pictures of my former close friends was the result of choices I made. I was by far the most immature of that particular group of friends in high school. I was very sensitive to being left out and that super sensitivity was the filter for all my peer interactions. If I was not invited to a mall trip it had to be because they did not want me there.  Never once did I think that it might have been because I was the only one who could not hang out at the mall like they were allowed to.  My utter fear of rejection on top of my super sensitivity resolutely refused that I ask why I was left out.  I viewed every peer I enjoyed being with as a friend but as I saw that I was not as close to the developing clicks I was associated with, I changed my viewpoint and not for the better.

I developed a revolving thought process when it came to friendship.  They all had time limits in my mind.  I never thought of having a forever friend because up until then, I did not have that relationship. I pushed people out; not by telling people off  but by not inviting them in past a certain point.  I did not understand the value of friendship beyond my own need at the time. I did not take the opportunity to invite people into me and I rarely took people up on their offers if it wasn’t exciting for me. Very selfish, although at the time, I thought I was picking my friends wisely.

I always admired my adult peers who have friends from childhood, high school, or college. I’m not talking longevity but real friendship.  Friendship where you can pick up the phone and chit-chat with your homegirl from second-grade about life’s present day issues without  having to reminisce about stuff that happened in elementary school.

I did not cultivate those relationships. I did not realize the repercussions that my self-preservative stance would cause. I am reaping what I ignorantly sowed then.  I will get sorrowful over regret for not making amends when the window of opportunity was open but I will not live in regret. I will live my testimony cause from regret.

Not everything can be fixed.

I can’t redeem time lost.

I can’t take back decisions made.

I saw a friend’s wedding on Facebook…..


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