What Not To Say

I’ve been a Pastor’s wife for all of eight months and I am done with it.  This job is the most thankless job I could ever have. I never know what to do or say.  Even with my spouse I have to be careful because I am also talking to a the Pastor. My heart is to help and be his helpmate and sometimes I get it right!  By the magnificent grace of God I get it right. But when I get it wrong, there is no safe place for me to go.

For the first time as a Pastor’s wife I taught a Bible Study.  This study was different from anything else ever offered at our church before.  It was a very good class and recently ended. My husband instituted something new this year for the classes and I, thinking I am being helpful to him, and trying to shield him from what may be said of this, said I, due to the nature of the class I taught, didn’t think it was a good idea for it to be applied to that class.

That was the wrong thing to do.

I am sure I could feel worse, but right now, I feel pretty bad.

I tried to discuss it.  I tried to maintain the mystery of the class (it was a class for wives only) while still explaining why I said what I said. It didn’t work. I feel like a child that got scolded and, even though they had a valid point, was sent to bed without dinner anyway.

I heard him plainly say that when he does anything, I of all people need to be on board with it especially if it has already been discussed and I made no previous objections.  In my defense, I never considered that the class I taught would be included in this new direction. I was thinking based on what I knew about what I would be teaching and he did not have that foreknowledge.

Apparently, it is too late to bring it up any concerns now.  Apparently, I have taken the wind out of his sails and all things related to Xara have been nixed from his new plans.  I never meant for this to happen.  I can’t fix it because his thoughts are now cemented and I am found wanting.

I now know in quite a glaring way, that I must be careful in all things I say and in all non-verbal cues. That is a lot of pressure.

I know I can’t recover from this blunder of all blunders but I hope to remember what not to say next time.



7 thoughts on “What Not To Say

  1. herunveiling

    Sounds like a ticking bomb!!! As they say time does nothing it’s what you do with time that changes anything. As help mate you are to support a mission that’s what submission is but every mission needs to be clearly defined and visualised into a vision. You sound like you following blind and you are therefore going to bump into many things.

    1. Xara

      I agree. If I left this unchecked it could very well be a ticking time bomb. Thankfully after a 24hr cool down, we are able to take and I hear him clearly state where his root feeling stemmed from. Now that I am armed with that piece of the puzzle, I can be his helpmate more fully.

  2. Melissa Hudson

    Hello, I just came across your blog. I am also a pastor’s wife and understand the pressure that comes along with the position. Keep your head up. These are all learning experiences. Some are not easy. Grow together with your husband and pray for each other!
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts through the blog!


    1. Xara

      Thank you so much for the encouragement! Unless you are in it yourself it is hard to understand the MASSIVE affect a disagreement can have on your marriage and ministry. I wrote the post in the raw emotionally for the purpose of hopefully helping anyone else who experiences something similar to know they are not alone. Thank you again for your encouragement 🙂

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