When I conceived earlier this year, it was right after I completely surrendered my will for my yet unconceived children. Previously, I had a list of things I wanted them to have and a list of things I did not want them to have. Our loss was lengthy and the road to try-again was not quick.
I was meditating on a quote I read today and it’s confirming verse.
Rarely does God take you where you need to go in a straight line. Keep your eyes open for detours to your destiny. – Rev. Dr. Tony Evans.
“Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord. Jeremiah 1:8 “But they shall not prevail against you. For I am with you”, says the Lord, “to deliver you.” Jeremiah 1:19
I am getting closer and closer to completely grasping what I am being taught here. I want things to be easy peasy lemon squeezy but God is about developing me in the most efficient way possible. My efficiency is a straight line. His is a squiggly one. I’ve always held that when God says in His word that He would keep me, that no harm would come to me. When I read Jeremiah this evening, it occurred to me that Jeremiah was thrown into a pit and left there (Jer. 38:1-13). That wasn’t fun. He could have easily died in there. Now how does that episode in Jeremiah’s life jive with what God said in Jeremiah 1? Since God’s word is inerrant, my thought process about this had to change.
What I am seeing is 1. In order for use to be delivered, we have to be in something first. We aren’t delivered from nothing. 2. He said they would not prevail against Jeremiah yet he was thrown in the stocks (Jer. 20:2) and in that pit. He didn’t die. God protected him from that and brought him out of each.
I can no longer think that prevail and deliver mean harm-free because that is not true. Pain will come. Loss will come. Heartache will come as well. But, His deliverance will come too and that outweighs the rest.
As I was noodling all of this this evening, my thoughts drifted back to how quickly I conceived this summer and how slow the process has been now. I had to ask myself what changed? As I examined my thought life and my verbal responses, I found the answer; I found the flaw.
In April of this year 2013, I TOTALLY surrendered my future womb-dwellers to Christ. After we lost January, I started saying “I don’t want a down’s baby but I’ll take whatever you give me Lord”. That is not the same thing as total surrender. When your desire outweighs God’s authority in your life, you have a problem. That was my problem.
I am back now Lord. You are in control of my womb. You are the best matchmaker around and I know that whomever you would have me birth has been lovingly assigned and mutually beneficial for both of us.