Single Mother By Choice DOES NOT EQUAL Single Mother by default

A Facebook friend of mine, whom I have known since high school, wrote this as her status today.  I can surmise that this well said thought came to be in print after hearing another woman complain about her woes of single-motherhood.  My friend wrote,

Sometimes I wish people really understood what a single mother really is. Just being alone or separated or divorced does not make you a single mother!!! That make you a mother that’s single totally different. Don’t take title if you don’t know what one is. That’s an insult to US real single mothers who in MY definition is a mother who does not have help/assistance or even communications from the child’s father AT ALL she goes day in and day out doing for her child ALL ALONE. No one picks them up from school no alternate contact if the child is sick to take to the doctors or pick up from here or there. If you have a MAN who is there and wants to be a FATHER to his child then let him be. Because there are SINGLE mothers like myself that would love to have argument about who gets to spend time with the child and someone to help with the day in and day out discipline of a child. This is no title I EVER wanted but I have it and I carry this mf’er with HONOR! Check ya self boo and dry your tear… trust me it could be way HARDER!!!

I love this whole piece but I believe my most favorite part is when she says, “Just being alone or separated or divorced does not make you a single mother!!!” I am pretty sure I briefly mentioned the email and text Tanya sent my husband accusing him of being an absent father.  Tanya said she does everything on her own; takes Bella everywhere, buys all of her needs and wants, and defends my husband against Bella and Scott when they vent their anger to her expressing their displeasure about not having something when they perceive us as having more.   As I said before, I rejected that text and email immediately. I understood it to be a frustrated woman seeking to place blame with the only other person(s) available. Tanya has said several times in the past that she could not understand why she can do and it’s just her and we can’t and there are two of us.

Reading my friend’s status really hones in on what I know and what I’ve been saying. You can not excise a parent who wants to be involved out of a child’s life and then expect them to show up like gang busters when you need something. If a woman chooses to be a single mother (allowing the father limited access meaning allowing access that only fits in with what her wants are) then you get what you pay for.

We have been duped so many times by Tanya that for a few years now, we have received it as her common practice.  The real shame of it all is that Bella now does the same EXACT thing. One example; Tanya called to tell us Bella made the honor roll.  We rejoiced with Bella and planned a nice rewarding weekend for her. My husband asked her to bring her report card and she did.  Her report card had an “honor roll” stamp on it BUT Bella had a C and a D on there as well.  That is no honor roll in our books. Tanya saw the report card.  She knew the grades yet she said nothing about them; only stressing honor roll to us. We had already told Bella what her reward was going to be. We did express our thoughts on the C and D but honestly, we were both so stupefied by Tanya’s actions.

Things like that create an environment of mistrust.  Even when an adult needs real help, because the mistrust is so severe, it’s like the girl who cried wolf.  That is what I am dealing with.  I am dealing with a woman who is a single mother but chooses to label herself as a single mother with an absentee father when that is not the case.  I found it very affirming that my friend expressed the same thoughts but stated from a “real” single-mothers view.



3 thoughts on “Single Mother By Choice DOES NOT EQUAL Single Mother by default

  1. Pingback: Chapter 1 Trying | A Book About Love

  2. Pingback: #MumDays: Hey! Do you have a license for that kid? | Flawless N Brown

  3. Pingback: A detailed intro | Observing Society

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