I have been a bonus mom for 10 years. Early in my marriage, I thought being a bonus mom would get easier. I was wrong.
I had such a hard week last week that I wanted to divorce my bonus children. They in and of themselves, did nothing wrong. Children will act their age. Their mothers, however, are a different story. Tanya, in my personal-humble-but-correct-opinion based on who she has shown herself to be to me, is not concerned about getting to the bottom of things which makes trying to state a fact or have a meaningful conversation about Bella and Scott with her, pointless for both me and my husband. Anthony’s mother adores him. She has said as much. She adores him to the point that she calls and has no less than 15 minute conversations with him almost every day of his visits. Not only the visits during his school vacations but also during his weekend (48hr) visits. I say the conversations are no less than 15 minutes but they are typically 20-30 minutes. I find that ridiculous. He’s a tween. She needs a life outside of her son.
Between those two, I wanted nothing more to do with my bonus children. It is mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTING. I feel terrible admitting that but it is no less than the truth.
To put another exclamation point on things, Anthony, who is here for a few weeks, said that, and I quote, “I forgot what Bella looks like! I haven’t seen her in so long.” My husband and I both laughed. It was not a humorous laugh. It was an incredulous laugh. It is utterly ridiculous that Anthony should feel like that. Jazmine also chimed in saying, “I am sad. I miss Bella.” The last time Bella and Scott were here was during my husband’s college graduation two months ago. The time before that, I can’t remember. I think they have spent the night a total of three to four times since January this year.
I hurt for Anthony and Jazmine. I hurt because they hurt and there is nothing my husband and I can do about it. My husband handled the statements well though. Their statements weren’t intended to be anything except to state their feelings but those same statements can hurt a parent to their core. My husband, having worked through his pain, hurt, agony, grief, and guilt he felt when trying to get visits with Bella, Scott, and even Anthony previously, was able to answer them today with kindness, gentleness but also matter-of-fact. He said, “Hey guys. I know how you feel but there is nothing Daddy can do about it. Everybody’s household is run differently. I’ve done all I can do.” He acknowledged their feelings and helped them grow through their grown-up emotion.
In spite of all this crap, I am so proud of my husband who continues to overcome to become.