Self Discovery Through Parenthood

I snapped at Jazmine today.  I overreacted.

We just returned home from a birthday party.  The party was outside, at a park, in the grass.  It was a nice day today. Hot when the sun was out and cool enough to wear a jacket when it went behind the clouds.  We were out there for three hours.

I don’t do heat.  I have allergies and this spring (or sprummer as I like to call it) has kicked my butt.  I’ve had very VERY mild allergies in the past three years so this year took me by surprise. Towards the end of the party, I started to feel my allergies kick in.  I took medicine once I got to the party but it was wearing off.  My only thought was to get home, bathe Jaz, shower myself, and relax as soon as possible.

In my mind, Jazmine’s bath was a task. In Jazmine’s mind, her bath was her time of enjoyment when she plays in the tub for a while and talks with Mommy while I wash her up.

I, Zara am a task oriented person. I make lists and I get full satisfaction when I complete a task and am able to check that task off my list.   Jazmine was not my task. Giving her a bath was the task.  I get focused on my tasks and prefer to complete them in a direct order.  My “task” involved the second most precious person to me in the whole world. Jazmine wanted to talk and ask questions just like we normally do and all I did was tell her to hush and threaten her if she did not just sit in the tub, play alone, and stay silent while I washed her up.

As I showered myself, I meditated on what just happened. I see the disconnect clearly in myself now.  Nothing associated with my daughter can be seen as a task because I don’t know how to turn off my task oriented mind  to enjoy her in the midst of the “task”. I get frustrated with not being able to complete tasks as fast or as efficient as I think they should be and then I transfer my frustration to my child; an innocent bystander in my mental map of how things should run.

No more.

Never again.

Nothing associated with my child is a task.  It’s a joy.

 

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