The quotes in this post are not exact word for word what the original speaker said when I heard them. It is very close from what I can recall.
I had two major mental clicks happen for me this weekend.
If there is one thing I understand very well it is cause and effect. I know that if I skimp on oral care, my teeth yellow. If I don’t keep up with something, I will fall behind. I am a huge fan of if/then statements. If you do or don’t do this then this will or will not happen.
I applied my cause and effect thought process to how God feels about me. I am so happy to say I know in my heart I was wrong.
I never said aloud God hated me. I don’t believe I thought that in my heart either but I did believe that something was wrong with me or I was still screwing up something important because things still have not turned around for us. I thought God was punishing me or I was living in the reaping part of life where I previously sowed some really crappy seeds. For example, because I wasn’t a good big sister growing up that now I wasn’t going to be able to have a house of my own.
I believed what God said about me in His word. I believed that He loved me but I knew that intellectually and believed it in knowledge and not in heart and soul. I knew he loved me but I thought it fell short when it came to my hearts desire to move etc because we are still here…in my mother-in-law’s house. I figured something had to be off and it was off with me.
Ever since I was very young, I knew and believed God loved me. Growing older, I mistakenly equated His love for me with how well things went. If he allowed tragedy then I did something wrong. If things went well, then I was pleasing Him. With that thought process, I found myself in God’s LOVE (big huge all-encompassing love) but not in God’s love (adult life circumstances). I listed to Tony Evans on the radio this weekend. I heard the following statement he made very clearly in my heart for the first time of my adult circumstance filled life. “God does not hate you. When you get up in the morning you iron your clothes. When you put that hot iron on your clothes you are not hating on your clothes. You are ironing the wrinkles out. It’s not hate. It’s love because you care how your clothes look because your clothes reflect how you look. It’s the same thing with God. He doesn’t hate you. He is ironing your wrinkles out because he loves you and you are a reflection of Him. ”
God doesn’t hate me. That gives me much peace.
I said I had two mental clicks. Here’s the next.
Beth Moore has said before, “When God says “no” to something, it is not a quick, rash, thoughtless decision. He thought long and hard on it to do what was for our good.”
God doesn’t hate me (plus) God thought long and hard before telling me no or not now (equals) peace for Xara.