I don’t know what to say. I awoke this morning nervous and anxious. I had hung over excitement from a friend delivering her long-awaited babies last night and I was mentally preparing for a friend’s shower I was hosting today. Somewhere between those thoughts, I realized today’s date. Today is Saturday, October 6, 2012. If you remember, when I first made you all aware of this Monday morning, I said the date I had been given was October 5.
I am speechless with embarrassment.
I don’t know where to begin.
When I realized my mistake, I looked at the calendar to verify I truly blundered. Incredibly stupid is a sorely inadequate phrase to use.
I next looked at the notebook where I write all of God’s words to me to verify the date I wrote down originally since it is not unlike me at all to transpose numbers; assign days to the wrong dates or vise versa. But there it was, in my pen, the date of October 5.
As I sat, I asked God why. I wanted to know how could I have gotten it so wrong. A small whisper said, “It wasn’t me.” It wasn’t His voice that gave me the date.
Of course at this point, I doubt my capacity or ability to hear correctly or hear at all for that matter so now I am at a loss. I have made a complete donkey’s behind of myself. All of my feelings of shame are heightened because I decided to put all of this on blast for the entire world to see. (Small exaggeration there. I know there are few hits to this blog but because the post are published and I, up until this point, don’t remove published posts, it is technically out there for everyone to see). I called it walking on faith and putting God to the test. publically declaring what I believe He said He would do. Stepping out on faith.
Now, I am on the other side of that. On the other side of either what I heard wasn’t God or I heard wrong in the first place (I’m leaning towards the former rather than the latter). What’s it like on this side? I’ll tell you. Maybe for this purpose I was allowed to travel down this road. Hearing another’s testimony of “getting it “wrong”” is helpful because I sure couldn’t find anything online when I looked.
I feel embarrassed. Humbled. Humiliated? Resolved in my faith in Christ.
Still trusting without doubt that He will bring us out. I don’t have a date stamp outside of what He has already said.
Still holding on to Psalms 40: 2-3.
Still surrender my all to Him.
Feel stupid? Yes. Feel betrayed? Yes. Why do I feel betrayed? Because I know He still could have done for me what I believed He told me He was going to do for me. Even if I got it wrong, why wouldn’t He do it for His name’s sake? Hadn’t I just put Him on blast fully trusting in Him? Didn’t He just speak to me a few days ago with a word of peace reminding me about the verse He gave me last year?
I don’t have the answers and I don’t need them now. I know this. I got it wrong for His glory and that is what I want every day of my life. His glory. Not mine. Let this post be a blessing to you.