To clarify, this is the third blog of the week. I wrote the first two Thursday evening. The one you are currently reading is (was?) written Sunday afternoon.
To bring you up to speed: I was depressed all of Friday. I was in an unshakable funk. I took a nap out of sheer hopelessness. I couldn’t fix my situation so I slept. I didn’t even go to Zumba Friday night and you know that NEVER happens. I felt so oppressed. I finally felt lifted from that oppressive state very late into the evening. I felt so much better that I was hopping there was a 10PM Zumba class I could take 🙂 Only after I felt better did I realize I was involved in spiritual warfare. I don’t know how I missed the clues. I think at some point in the funk I must have realized it but was to overcome by the feelings of helplessness to fight.
I had plans Saturday which was a blessed distraction. Nevertheless, helplessness crept back in that evening. Today is Sunday, and I flip-flopped between feelings of excitement about the future (namely Saturday) and the helpless feelings of today.
When we were both home from church, my husband asked me what I thought of him going into ministry full-time. (I am not going to dive deep into this here. It very well may come out over time but the how and where-did-that-come-from explanations will not be given in this post.) I told my husband I had no idea. What I didn’t tell him was that all I had on my mind was how God was/is going to get us up out of this house and having more children.
He had an afternoon appointment and after he left for that I had a chance to pray. In prayer I realized my fear. I’ve heard stories of pastors getting shafted with pay and churches working the pastor and his family to death while making sure they stay broke. I didn’t want to be in that position. Yes, I want to live for God fully. Yes, I want to serve Him with my life. I do that now. Anyone can. You work where God calls you to where ever it may be; the courtroom, the ER, your home, an office, a cockpit. Christians have many professions but I was deathly afraid of being financially dependent on God through God’s people.
When I realized that in prayer, I confessed it immediately and released it to Christ.
I trust God with all my needs because He said He would supply them all (Philippians 4:19). The wants is a harder thing to trust Him with because they aren’t needs. There is no guarantee that those will be met. Even though the lack of a want may feel like a need, it is not a need.
I trust God with having more children (four more to be exact), having my own home, having a pantry, having a pantry stocked with food, being able to afford to take my children to Chick Fil A on the fly without having to $acrifice in another area, and other deep soul-yearning wants.
I trust God with my $18 lip gloss, $200+ bags, $64 eye cream, $25/5 draws, among other material wants. He’s allowed me to have these things over the years in the ark and I entrust Him with them for the future as well.
I don’t know what the future holds. I have no idea how or what God is going to do Saturday in the Lee household but I am expectant. Now I’m getting excited!