I figured it out. Well, I figured out a portion of the age-old problem, “Why can’t we all just get along?”.
Last week’s issue with my oldest son’s mother led me to accept a blaring truth that, from day one, I have been trying to prove to be a lie. That truth is that a blended family will never be one.
In my situation, we have two mother’s of two different children. I always esteemed my oldest son’s mother more than my daughter’s mother. My character is extremely similar to Anthony’s mother which made it very easy to get along with her but possessing a similar character is not enough to make a blended family whole.
I can only speak of my situation. All other bonus moms out there may very well have vastly different situations than my own. Treat this as a buffet. If you need it, take it. Otherwise, leave it. It wasn’t meant for you.
The child(ren) is the utmost and primary concern of the unmarried custodial parent. Period. Nothing and no one is permitted to be in the way of what that parent wants, desires, needs, or prefers for their child.
The marriage is the utmost and primary concern of the married noncustodial parent. Period. Nothing and no one is permitted to be in the way of that parents marriage.
It sounds good independent of itself but therein lies the problem. As independent as each household is, there is some dependency because there is a shared child. The married parent respects the custodial parents role as primary parent and all that that entails but still desires their role in the child’s life independent from the custodial parents wants, desires, needs, or preferences. The custodial parent respects the noncustodial parents marriage as far as it does not impede on their wants, desires, needs, or preferences for the child.
(I guess, if each person respected the other person’s wants, desires, needs, preferences, and marital status they would have married in the first place right?)
Most things involving a child in this situation are hardly ever done in the child’s best interest because that would require all personal desires to be put aside. In actuality, what is termed to “be in the best interest of the child” is code speak for “this is what I want and this is what is going to happen” and it can go both ways; custodial or noncustodial.
It is an unending tug-of-war. But today, I am letting go of the strings. I love my children. All of them. But the truth is, of all four of my children, only one is battle free.