This has been my biggest motherhood blunder in Jazmine’s two and a half years. I am so embarrassed to pen this. I really want to yank this post from publishing but I will suffer the finger-pointing if it means keeping someone from the terrible mistake I made today.
I did not realize the concept of counting objects was so serious!
I’ve been homeschooling Jazmine for two months now. We have lessons four days a week. Each day is a different lesson. I have a time set aside in our day to do the lesson. Lessons are usually 20-25 minutes.
Today, we spent and ENTIRE HOUR doing our lesson. It wasn’t a long lesson. The issue was counting the number 8. I was so disgusted. I know this girl knows how to count the number 8. She has been doing it for two lessons already but today she feigns ignorance. I was so tired trying to get her to understand.
I was frustrated because I knew she knew how to do it and I was frustrated because I couldn’t figure out what to say to get her to get it. I got so frustrated that I threw Baby Tink across the table and she landed on the floor of the steps. (Baby Tink is one of her doll babies and she was laying on the table where we were doing our lesson today). My frustrations graduated to anger. My actions were wrong on so many levels. Jazmine frowned up her face and said, “Baby Tink is hurt.” My brilliant reply? “No, she’s not. She’s alright. Now count the pond animals.”
Eventually, she got it. It wasn’t too long after my terrible example that she was able to count the pond animals correctly twice in a row. She looked so sad. I told her how well she did and how proud of her I was but that didn’t take her sad look away. I picked her up and held her. I rocked her in my arms.
At this point, I thought she was sad because learning the lesson had been rough. As I held and rocked her, we recited our Bible verse. She returned back to my happy baby and we completed the rest of the days lesson without a hitch.
After she and I ate, I became so convicted about what I did. I realized she wasn’t sad because of the lesson only. She was said because I threw her baby. The baby we have been teaching her to take care of as a way of teaching her to respect other people. I started to think about the serious repercussions my terrible action could have on my baby. I apologized to Baby Tink and told her how wrong I was to respond to her in anger by throwing her across the room. I told her throwing or hurting anyone is unacceptable and I was wrong. I told her I should have never taken out my angry feelings on her. I told Baby Tink I was wrong and that my behavior was unacceptable. I asked her if she would accept my apology and if she would forgive me. Baby Tink accepted my apology and forgave me. Baby Tink (via Jazmine’s words) said, “She wasn’t [physically] hurt but her feelings were hurt.” I said, “Baby Tink I am so so sorry.” Baby Tink said my apology “made it all better.” I gave Baby Tink a kiss and a big hug. I apologized to Jazmine. I asked her to forgive me. She did.
I blew it today. I blew it. I blew it. I blew it. I am such a completer that I thought it was more important to finish the lesson at hand than to recognize my feelings and take a break from the lesson so we could both regroup. Won’t happen again. I didn’t even realize until she was down for her nap that I changed the time of our lesson today. Class is usually in session after she has her nap immediately following her snack. Today, in effort to “get the lesson out-of-the-way so I could enjoy my afternoon” I did the lesson before lunch which is before nap time. Won’t happen again. Her education is more important than my afternoon. Looking back on it, I should have recognized that I was hungry which meant she was probably hungry as well. I am downright mean when I am hungry. Why should I expect my baby to concentrate when she’s hungry? Won’t happen again.
I just hope that Jazmine does not remember today as the day Mommy threw Baby Tink. I hope she remembers the power of forgiveness.