As I get older, I am settling into who I am.
I have had to accept things about me that I spent years trying to change. I’ve had to accept that those things I was trying to change didn’t need to be changed in the first place. I had to stop viewing myself in comparison to others. Yes. I have written about this before. I thought I kicked this bully in the gut and moved on but wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized I still have lingering bouts with certain women. However, today, I am free. Today, I had a “Beautiful Mind” moment. If you’ve seen the movie, you know that at the end John Nash, after he receives his Nobel Prize, sees his delusions as he is walking out. I too see these chicks. I no longer try to act like they aren’t there. I see them but I move on without them. No baggage.
Who are these women? Who are these chicks I am talking about? Allow me to introduce you to them and my new resolve against chasing them.
1. Granola mom – Everything she makes is healthy, natural, and from scratch. She even makes her own granola (hence the name). No high-fructose corn syrup, no preservatives, no fast food ever…you get the picture. Me – I am perfectly fine with my daughter having canned or jarred fruit and cereal, Pop Tart, or a Nutri Grain bar for breakfast. Also, an ice cream cone and french fries from McDonald’s is a perfect snack! I admire your commitment to being all natural but I refuse to feel pressured by your choices.
2. Diva in the banging dress chick – She can pull it off and she does (every chance she gets) and she silently unintentionally on purpose says “Yup, I got it and you don’t”. Me – You go girl! I’ve never hated on you but I no longer feel like I should try to be you. Besides, strapless dresses just aren’t for me. My ta-tas are too big!
3. Activities mom – Her child is in every activity known to man (Kung Fu, Gymboree, piano, dance, etc), participates in all manners of early childhood education (foreign language, YBCR, early math), and must be involved with other children their age (formal playgroups, recreational center activities, library readings). Me – I not only love my child, I like my child. I enjoy being around her and at her age, 2, she enjoys being around me. I am going to enjoy this time and soak up as much of her as I possibly can. All too soon, she will be older and not want Mommy to play blocks with her on the floor. Going on errands, playing at the gym while I am exercising, and the occasional trips with friends will have to do. I don’t need to have her in everything. I’m enough.
4. Sanguine girl – Ever popular, bubbly personality, people magnet. Me – It takes too much effort to try to emulate you. Truth is, I am just fine sitting by myself and observing just as I am interacting with others. You always make me feel comfortable when I am around people I don’t know, and you are a joy to be around but I don’t have to be you.
5. Fit mom – Very athletic. She looks and trains like she plays a professional sport. She is very concerned about her physique; does not want to have the “mom” look. Me – Girl! I admire your efforts! I often wish I had the time and tendonitis free knee and ankle to train like you do but I don’t. I am happy with the fitness level I have and I look forward to trying new things to keep me healthy and alive for myself and my family. I’ve let my former size 10 frame go. My goal now is to get to a 12.
6. Career woman – Has a high level of responsibly in her career because she is so good at what she does. She makes it look easy. She’s always on the go; vacations locally and overseas, business trips, and always has weekend and weeknight plans. Me – I’d so love to be you for a weekend! I’d love to travel and hang out but that’s not my life. That’s not the life I want to live full-time either. I am so proud of you and I enjoy hearing and looking at pictures of your spectacular lifestyle but I am so glad to have my husband and my child.
7. All-inclusive bonus mom – She accepts everyone into her circle; ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, husbands female friends, bonus children’s extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). Everyone is welcome, and expected, to come over for Sunday dinner. Me – Wow chick! That ain’t the kid. I tried to be you to an extent, but naw man. It ain’t happening. I’m the queen bee and any former relationship those people had with my husband does not guarantee them total access to my children, into my home, events, special occasions, or even to use the bathroom when/if they come over. There is no automatic access with me. I have to get to know them first.
Yeah, I know. I was doing a lot of running. I chased a whole lot of images thinking I had to acquire a piece of what they were already so good at it. I admire many traits. I now know and accept that I can just admire them. I don’t have to become them, chase them, nor critique myself as if I am doing something wrong because of them.