It was a rough weekend. I got some hard news. I was still grappling with it. I needed to get to the House of the Lord. I knew God would comfort me and I needed it.
I got to church. Jazmine behaved very well which surprised me. (For the past month or so, her behavior during church service was horrible. I had to leave service each Sunday to get her behavior back on track). I am half listening to the sermon. Not because I tuned the Pastor out but because, like almost every Sunday, I have one eye and ear soaking in every word and the other eye and ear trained on my toddler. This Sunday, I am desperately waiting for God to comfort me. I am panting for His rest. I didn’t get it. Instead of being told everything is going to be alright or you’ll make it through, I was told that I was to stop making a general confession of my sins. I was to instead, name my sins one by one and ask for forgiveness and repent.
That is not what I wanted to hear. That is not what I came there for that Sunday.
Any other Sunday would have been fine but that Sunday, I needed loving, not instruction. At least, that is what I thought.
I heard the Lord. I know He was speaking to me and even though I did not want to be obedient, I knew I had to so I set off to be obedient straight away. That night, I tried to confess my sins one by one but I couldn’t. I couldn’t think of what I had done wrong that day. (I know right!)
So, I asked Him for help to call to my mind all the sins I had done so I could confess them.
That was Monday.
Tuesday came and I was still not seeing where I sinned; not enough to confess them as sins anyway.
It was a long day. Very tiring. I remember I chose not to read that day and I chose not to pray.
My knee was sore. I stood for most of the day Wednesday and my knee was already not 100% before that.
Sidebar – A bit of background on my knee. I started running on the treadmill back in February. I reached my goal of running for 30 minutes straight at 5mph. My goal was to run a mile in 10 minutes (6mph). To increase my speed, instead of doing the same run/walk program I was following but with a run of 6mph to get me to my goal, I chose to run at 6mph but “walk” at 5mph. My knees didn’t like that. They were sore. I still ran. One sore day, I had to stand for a really long time which made it worse. My knees were so sore that it hurt to turn over in my bed. After a three days, my left knee was 100% better and my right knee about 80%. Instead of taking it easy, I ran again on the treadmill. I was limping on the treadmill because it hurt to run. I thought it was a no-pain-no-gain type of pain instead of a your-body-is-telling-you-something-is-wrong type of pain. My left knee hasn’t been right since. It’s been two months. Now back to the story.
I finally decided to call my doctor. I chose not to read or pray again today. I didn’t have a prayer time. I just said a quick Lord-please-don’t-let-there-be-anything-really-wrong-with-my-knee sort of prayer.
My doctor’s appointment was today. Again, I am praying for my knee and that I won’t have to wait long to see the doctor. (During my last visit, I had to wait an hour! Oh and yes, my toddler was with me. Oh the joy.) The doctor said I might have a meniscus problem or a cyst. Either one is not good. I was devastated. I had all four of my children with me. They could see I was upset. I just thought she would prescribe me something for the swelling and let me go. I couldn’t believe that I might have permanently messed up my knee! I’m only 32 years old for Pete’s sake!
I posted my knee news on Facebook to have a friend reply that surgery for a meniscus tear is same day and that the recovery afterwards is not bad. WHAT!!!! Did he just say surgery? I don’t do needles! That is a reason why I exercise. I don’t want diabetes! I don’t do needles!
I cried some more.
Stretched out, prostrate, on the floor because I realized that God loves me so much, that He will do anything to get my attention. I still have to walk through that door of possible knee surgery or whatever but after having felt that desperation, that shock and complete sadness, to get me running back to my knees, I thank God for it. It doesn’t feel good, and I wish it would all go away, but He worked it out for my good. I am back to reading and praying and guess what? I can confess each and every sin I commit on a regular basis. God IS good.