Bad Headspace

One Sunday, years ago, my mother-in-law testified that as she was growing closer to God, He was having her to let go of some things she enjoyed.  I remember thinking at the time, that I didn’t want to be that close to Him if it meant letting go of some of the things I enjoyed.

Within the last week, I’ve come to accept that I too must put down some of the things I formerly enjoyed.

I love to watch crime shows.  I used to watch Matlock with my father every week growing up.  I now enjoy watching NCIS, NCIS LA, CSI Miami, CSI NY, CSI, Law & Order Criminal Intent, and Criminal Minds, to name a few.  (On Demand is GREAT!) I would choose to watch those shows during the toddler’s nap time or after she’s gone down for the night.  I would frequently choose to watch those shows first instead of having my quite time.  If I didn’t have my quiet time first, it was a safe bet that I wouldn’t have one at all that day.  I made it a habit to lie to myself every afternoon saying that I would read later.  Later never came.

I never had a problem watching any crime show before until recently.  I noticed that it would bother me a lot and the effects would last for hours.   I was not able to mother the way I mother.  I wasn’t able to be the cheerful wife when my husband got home.  I became super sensitive about everything and it took me several hours after to return to normal.  When I was pregnant,  I stopped watching L&O SVU.  I would be so distraught after each episode imagining if the crime of that episode had happened to my unborn child.  Soon after that, I cut out watching those shows before I went to bed.  But now, I am disappointed that I can’t handle watching them while not pregnant and in broad daylight!

But the television shows aren’t the problem.  The problem is why I have them on in the first place.  I made my favorite television shows my solace and not my Lord.  I removed Him from first position and put Him in second.  I started running to Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Special Agent Sam Hanna, Det. Horatio Caine, Det. Mac Taylor, CSI Nick Stokes, Dets. Goren and Eames, Agent Hotchner, when I needed comfort instead of running to Jesus.

I know from experience that once I run to Jesus, talk with Him, and spend time hanging out with him, if I choose to watch a show afterwards (provided Jazmine sleeps that long) I’m fine.  No bad head space.  No more Mom overcompensating her toddler for events that never took place and hurts that Jazmine has never experienced only because I saw it on TV.  No more wife in a funky mood.  No oversensitivity .  No shoddy housework.

Then why haven’t I done it?


2 thoughts on “Bad Headspace

  1. WOW, I love it when the Lord uses others to speak to me as well. Slightly different, but I was distraught over not bring able to watch those same shows because there are not enough places to watch a show. But I too have been missing my quiet time. Instead of fighting for tv rights I will just spend more time with God. Putting it into practice with a gentle reminder from the Holy Spirit, a desire to be closer, letting go of the other stuff. Having more than one specific time to spend seeking God. Hmmm I just spoke to self. Thanks.

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