So often I enter into a storm asking God to get me out. I ask Him to remove whatever it is that is causing me pain. I don’t think that is the way we should go through things.
I’ve started to ask God to hold my hand as I go through. The hard part is trying to remember to do that all of the time. I get so caught up in the moment that I don’t think about asking God to hold my hand. I start praying the same old “take the pain away” kind of prayer.
I loathe my interactions with Tanya. The only constant I have found in my interactions with her is…I can’t even describe it. (It would require more brain power than I would care to exhort to put that into words especially for those who have never met her before). One of my more recent interactions with her almost made me ill. My stomach clinched in knots just on the drive down. I so want to excise her and the poison she brings from my life but that is not an option. (Just to be clear. I mean her no violence. I just want to be able to take my ball and go home never having to play in her sandbox again. If she were anyone else, anyone other than the mother of two of my children, this would have been done. But again, it is not an option.)
I didn’t remember my goal of asking the Lord to hold my hand until after the drop off occurred. Normally after drop-offs with Tanya, my life returns to normal. My stomach unclenched. My anxiety level, that I didn’t even realize was elevated, returns to its normal low. I can breathe. It wasn’t until all of those responses took place and I breathed a sigh of relief, that I even thought to pray and ask the Lord to hold my hand as I face this uncomfortable situation. I blew it. I have been trying to make mental efforts to remember to pray the right prayer instead of what was easy and familiar to me. Sometimes I get it. Other times I don’t. I just want to get better moment by moment, situation to situation, to pray for Him to hold my hand as I go through instead of praying the situation away.