I Can’t Even Walk

I cannot believe that I did not publish a post on time yesterday!  I am so blown.  I was secretly hoping in the back of my mind that I had a post in que ready to go.  Obviously I did not.  I didn’t want to check to be sure because, in case my fears were correct, I would have to write something and I didn’t have anything to say.

That is not entirely true.  I have PLENTY to say but I cannot say everything I’d like to say here.  Too many lives, too  many people involved.  Instead, I talk about the lesson(s) that I learned from my experience(s).

This past weekend was a rough one.  Each day came with a new battle.  I was hit on all sides.  The devil attacked my relationships. No place was safe for me.   I was in unchartered territory; not because I haven’t been there before but because this time, I chose to grow through it instead of doing what is easy and familiar to me.

I’ve grown accustomed to “fixing” things.  Not that anything was really fixed but I felt like I could manipulate the situation for the better but really for  my comfortability level.  I don’t like conflict.  I truly am an “as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Rom. 12:18) type of chick.  It takes me a while (in some cases, it has taken me years) to come to grips with the reality of things.  I’ve had to learn to let people who I want to keep close to me go.  I’ve had to learn that some people will always chose to be negative and that I can walk away from them without feeling guilty. I’ve had to learn how not to accept other people’s feelings as my own.  I’ve had to learn to remain steadfast.

I was tested on all of those fronts in several major relationships in my life.  I am so grateful to God to say that with the exception of a New York minute feeling of inadequacy, I passed.  It was hard.  I was scared.  I was terrified actually. I cried. I prayed.  I cried some more. But I did it.  I didn’t waver. I didn’t shrink back. I was a big girl and I kept my big girl panties on.

I WISH I could go into detail; not to tell people’s business but to show the AWESOMENESS of God.  He held my hand this entire weekend.  My prayer was that I didn’t change from what He’s grown me to be back to what was normal for  me to do.  God is TRUE to His word.

I often ask God to hold my hand when I am facing something rough.  I found myself asking Him to hold my hand more and more often.  One day I thought to myself that I needed to learn how to go through without having to hold God’s hand all the time.  Can you spell dumb?  I’ll spell it for you.

V-A-N-E-S-S-A     T-H-I-N-K-I-N-G     T-H-A-T      S-H-E     D-I-D-N-T    N-E-E-D     G-O-D-S     H-E-L-P

(I have some classic dumb moments don’t I?) It was then while I was setting the Guinness Book of World Records record for idiot thinking, that I realized that I will always need to ask the Lord to hold my hand (better yet, for me to hold His hand).  It’s called walking by faith.

Some people have a life verse.  I don’t have one yet.  I do have a song that I find myself singing pert near everyday.  Here are the lyrics.

1. I thought number one would surely be me,
I thought I could be what I wanted to be.
I thought I could build on life’s sinking sand
But I can’t even walk without You holding my hand.

Chorus:

I can’t even walk without You holding my hand.
The mountain’s too high and the valley’s too wide.
Down on my knees, I learned to stand.
And I can’t even walk without You holding my hand.

2. I thought I had done a lot on my own.
I thought I could make it all alone.
I thought of myself as that woman who can,
But I can’t even walk without You holding my hand.

Chorus:

3. I think I’ll make Jesus my One and my All
From now on when I’m in trouble, only His name I’ll call
And If I can’t trust Him, I’ll be less of a man
‘Cause I can’t even walk without You holding my hand.

I Can’t Even Walk by Colbert and Joyce Croft

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