Do I Really Want That?

I asked God to give me an opportunity to do something well. I wanted to excel at something I’ve put on hold. Two weeks later, I got some good feedback that, to me looked like He was opening the door for success in that direction. All I had to do was walk through it. Saying “walk through it” does not mean that success would happen without work. There is work to be done but now I am asking myself if I want to do the work. Do I really want this?

The answer is no. No, I don’t want this. Not because of the work it would require but because I really don’t want the “respect” I though I wanted from others. I don’t want to jump through hoops or try to prove myself to others.  I don’t want a bar set for me to jump up and reach.  I am not a puppy.  I want to be me.  I really don’t care what they think of me. They have shown me who they are and no amount of success on my part would change who they are. It would only change how they treat me which, to me means that they were phony from the get go.

I am thankful and grateful to God for allowing me to see that I really didn’t want what I thought I wanted.  I have no need to be known in certain circles.  I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from the people I’ve met.  I value some of the relationships that were started and I hope to continue them.  Maybe someday they will grow deeper.  Maybe not.  Either way, my life is not contingent on them.

I still have goals.  I am not merely existing in this life.  Life is not passing me by.  I am an active participant in it even if I choose not to run in the same circles you do.  I still have things I would like to do but my life is not set up to please me.  My life is in total submission to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Some of the things I’d like to do may not get done before I get to Glory.  It may not be what God wants for me.  I do know that what God has for me is for me and I am settled and at peace with that.


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