I didn’t pay attention to the signs.
They were right there but I ignored them. I thought I could get over it, work through it, or that it would pass. I couldn’t, I didn’t, and it wouldn’t. It wasn’t for lack of trying. I tried to will it away. I tried to “get over it”. I told myself I was crazy and I couldn’t possibly need it but I did. I needed a break.
I know that is elementary. Everyone needs a break every now and again. I couldn’t find the time this time around.
I am really going to have to start mapping this out because I go through cycles. I can feel when things start to pile on and I need to remove myself for a while. It is very predictable but I have only just now thought to put pen to paper to track this so I don’t let it sneak up on me anymore. (Sometimes, experiencing the consequences of your actions serves as the best reminder for why you need to act properly the next go-round).
I knew I needed a break a week ago. Actually, I knew I needed a break two weeks ago. It took me a week to send feelers out to see if I could take a break. When I communicate with my spouse about something I need that is very personal to me, I look for a certain receptiveness that lets me know he supports me. His word choice, tone, and non-verbal gestures all have to match for the positive before I do or get what I asked him for.
I was overdue for a break when I started to send my feelers out in the first place so when the response I received was not a perfect positive match, I didn’t fight for it. I was already pissed because I was tired and needed a break. Adding an argument on top of that wasn’t necessary especially since he didn’t do anything wrong. A few seconds later, after giving his original response, he came back and was encouraging me to take some time but at that point, I was salty that his second answer wasn’t his first answer. In his first answer, he was supportive…verbally. His non-verbals and tone were quite the opposite. No amount of comeback was going to make up for that first response because, like I said before, I was already pissed off. Again, my husband didn’t do anything wrong. My emotional state didn’t make any allowances at that time. So, I settled for a night in of “solitude” with my mother-in-law watching our daughter upstairs and my husband downstairs working. It was okay but it wasn’t enough.
I had the opportunity to take a break this evening. It was nice. But again, it wasn’t enough. It was entirely too short. Usually, when I come back from a break, I am more loving but I haven’t been yet. I still want to be in solitude and that is not good for a husband and daughter whose love language is physical touch.
Why did I take so long to take a break? Well, I thought I had had enough breaks in my week that I shouldn’t need a specific break. I go to the gym four times a week and I take my dance class one evening per week. I thought those would suffice as my breaks. But those aren’t breaks. Those are parts of my day where I can do something I enjoy but those are not breaks. Nine times out of ten, Jazmine is with me at the gym. I have to get there at a certain time so I can fit in my workout during the times child care is provided. I go to dance class by myself but I have dinner cooked and served before I leave plus start on the kitchen so I don’t have to clean it when I come back (because I would rather chill after dance class then do dishes). I always feel better after my exercise outings but feeling better does not equate a break. I am just now discovering all this people.
My “standard” break is a Green-free evening out. My deluxe break is a Green-free evening out with my offspring at her other grandparents house. Believe me, I make the most out of those occasions. Since my fake-me-out break and my “standard” break didn’t cut it, I am going to have to schedule a deluxe break very soon.
I learned that the longer I wait to take a break, the longer the break has to be. Coming back too soon from it is like coming back to work too soon after having a medical procedure done. Recovery takes that much longer.