Breaking Point

I didn’t pay attention to the signs.

They were right there but I ignored them.  I thought I could get over it, work through it, or that it would pass.  I couldn’t, I didn’t, and it wouldn’t.  It wasn’t for lack of trying.  I tried to will it away.  I tried to “get over it”.  I told myself I was crazy and I couldn’t possibly need it but I did.  I needed a break.

I know that is elementary. Everyone needs a break every now and again.  I couldn’t find the time this time around.

I am really going to have to start mapping this out because I go through cycles.  I can feel when things start to pile on and I need to remove myself for a while.  It is very predictable but I have only just now thought to put pen to paper to track this so I don’t let it sneak up on me anymore.  (Sometimes, experiencing the consequences of your actions serves as the best reminder for why you need to act properly the next go-round).

I knew I needed a break a week ago.  Actually, I knew I needed a break two weeks ago.  It took me a week to send feelers out to see if I could take a break.  When I communicate with my spouse about something I need that is very personal to me, I look for a certain receptiveness that lets me know he supports me.  His word choice, tone, and non-verbal gestures all have to match for the positive before I do or get what I asked him for.

I was overdue for a break when I started to send my feelers out in the first place so when the response I received was not a perfect positive match, I didn’t fight for it.  I was already pissed because I was tired and needed a break.  Adding an argument on top of that wasn’t necessary especially since he didn’t do anything wrong.  A few seconds later, after giving his original response, he came back and was encouraging me to take some time but at that point, I was salty that his second answer wasn’t his first answer.  In his first answer, he was supportive…verbally.  His non-verbals and tone were quite the opposite.  No amount of comeback was going to make up for that first response because, like I said before, I was already pissed off.  Again, my husband didn’t do anything wrong.  My emotional state didn’t make any allowances at that time.  So, I settled for a night in of “solitude” with my mother-in-law watching our daughter upstairs and my husband downstairs working.  It was okay but it wasn’t enough.

I had the opportunity to take a break this evening.  It was nice.  But again, it wasn’t enough.  It was entirely too short.  Usually, when I come back from a break, I am more loving but I haven’t been yet.  I still want to be in solitude and that is not good for a husband and daughter whose love language is physical touch.

Why did I take so long to take a break?  Well, I thought I had had enough breaks in my week that I shouldn’t need a specific break.  I go to the gym four times a week and I take my dance class one evening per week.  I thought those would suffice as my breaks.  But those aren’t breaks.  Those are parts of my day where I can do something I enjoy but those are not breaks.  Nine times out of ten, Jazmine is with me at the gym.  I have to get there at a certain time so I can fit in my workout during the times child care is provided.  I go to dance class by myself but I have dinner cooked and served before I leave plus start on the kitchen so I don’t have to clean it when I come back (because I would rather chill after dance class then do dishes).  I always feel better after my exercise outings but feeling better does not equate a break.  I am just now discovering all this people.

My “standard” break is a Green-free evening out.  My deluxe break is a Green-free evening out with my offspring at her other grandparents house.  Believe me, I make the most out of those occasions.  Since my fake-me-out break and my “standard” break didn’t cut it, I am going to have to schedule a deluxe break very soon.

I learned that the longer I wait to take a break, the longer the break has to be.  Coming back too soon from it is like coming back to work too soon after having a medical procedure done.  Recovery takes that much longer.

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