Ever since I got pregnant, I began “over” grieving for parents whose children pass especially if they die of a violent crime or terminal illness. My heart aches for the Mommy who miscarried. I go into a state of shock and disbelief whenever I hear of a young life cut short. I don’t grieve simply because of the horror of it all. I grieve because I think if I grieve hard enough for someone else’s loss, I won’t experience something similar. I know that is a falsehood. I have not been one to take someone else’s pain lightly. I remain sympathetic towards all have a death in the family but over grieving doesn’t help them nor me.
I find it hard to enjoy my family when I know someone else is hurting from a loss in their’s .
I just saw that Phylicia Barnes was found dead today. My heart aches for her mother. My heart is heavy for all who knew her. I don’t know how to grieve for someone else but enjoy my life and my reality.
I am not planning a funeral today. I am not trying to imagine how I could possibly celebrate the next major holiday without one of my loved ones. I am not trying to remember how my daughter smelled today. I am not trying to remember what it felt like to have my husband hug me. Those are all things to be grateful for, and I am. I just don’t know how to get past this sadness that I feel every time I hear a tragedy or how to be sympathetic without trying to carry a load that is not mine to bear.