What’s the end point? When is there an end to the drama? Is there an end to the lack of effective communications? Is there and end to “it’s my way or no way” thinking? Will compromise ever mean both sides give up something equally? I am sick of getting shafted!!! Will people reap, really reap, the foolishness they have sown?
I wish, I really wish, I could write in detail all of the blows that have come at me this week. I wish I could name names, write addresses, and phone numbers. That is how HOT I am right now. Actually, at this point, I am not HOT anymore. I am more like smoldering lava that is cooling.
Sometimes I want to hang it up. Today was one of those days. I don’t want to leave my husband. I just want to stop being bonus mom to all of my bonus children save one. I can feel myself distancing from even the slightest hint of foolishness. At the hint of drama (ie prideful, statusy, pompous communication), I shut off. I will not be involved. I don’t shut myself off from my husband. I don’t shut myself off from my children when they are here with us. I do, however, find myself shutting off from my children’s lives when they are not with us. Not that I have ever been allowed to be involved in the first place, but my desire to be involved is all but gone now.
I realized this evening that I really have to give over all my fed-up, sick and tired feelings to the Lord as soon as I feel them instead of wallowing in them like I have today. My husband said that he can feel it when I am bothered and it stresses him out. It is not my desire to stress out my husband. I can only imagine how he feels, looking at me, knowing I’m upset about something he can’t control, knowing that the cross he bears wears heavily on me. It is not my desire for him to feel even more burdened by my emotions.
But what do I do?
It’s not going to change. It’s not going to stop. I have listened to what people have shown me that they are. I believe them. I can’t cut folk off the way I’d like to because there are children involved. My children are involved.
I don’t have an exact answer to this. Feeling fed up, sick and tired are just symptoms of consequences of actions that happened long ago. Each person, myself included, made choices to be here. I just didn’t see how far-reaching those consequences for me could be.