I saw a young mother and her son. I could tell that the mother loved her son but I could also see that she felt burdened by him. The mother would look for the young toddler to be as independent as he could be at his age. The toddler did as much as he was able but even then, there were times when he just wanted Mommy for reasons only he knew. The mother would reluctantly carry her son. He was elated. She was irritated.
This young mother is not alone. Her feelings are not exclusive to her age. All mothers, every where, feel like this at one point or another. So, why mention this story you ask? Because, I learned a lesson by just watching this exchange. The son wanted Mommy. The mother and the son had family around them. They had constant support, but the son wanted the Mommy.
No amount of love in any fashion would have filled that little boy’s desire to have his Mommy love on him.
I have no idea what is going on in the life of that Mommy and her son today but I do know this. If he is not receiving the love from his mother that he seeks, no matter how hard others may try, they won’t be able to fill it either.
If you didn’t break it, you can’t fix it. That is especially true for a bonus mom.
I read this in an interview one bonus mom conducted with another.
We as women take on so much responsibility. That is heightened even more when you become a Bonus Mom. We have to remember, I had to remember, that if the unwanted-seed didn’t originate with me, I can in no way fix it. (The unwanted-seed is not your bonus child. It is a trait that you didn’t plant in them but you have to deal with the fruit of. For example, you may not have planted the seed of laziness in them but you deal with it every visit. Or, you may not have planted the seed of insecurity but you battle it every visit.)
It is not uncommon for bonus children to be used as pawns. Both mothers and fathers have used their child(ren) as pawns to get what they want, playing chess at the children’s expense. Whomever is using the children is the one responsible for creating the unwanted-seed. In other words, if I didn’t create it (hurts, insecurities, immaturity, ignorance, or anything else that you receive from your bonus children that you didn’t plant in them), I can only help them work through it. I can’t, nor is it my responsibility to heal whatever ails them.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I always thought that if I was just “better” in the areas where their mother was weak that the children would be all right. I thought that if I worked and worked to be a stark contrast to what their mother was, the children would see the light and emulate my traits instead of their mother’s. That wasn’t for me to do.
No amount of work on my part would have changed anything. Having Jazmine helped me realize that children want to do everything their Mommy does, be it good or bad. No amount of contrasting behavior would change that.
If you didn’t break it, you can’t fix it.