An Ugly Part About Being An Bonus Mom

I don’t know how to pen this.  Even though it’s sad, I am very happy that I had this experience.  I know this needs to be shared because I know I am not alone.  It took almost 8 years into this bonus mom journey to get here in perfect peace.  Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

I remember a testimony I heard a few years ago given by a mother (Simone) of a newly grown woman (Jane).  Her daughter, Jane, was in her early 20’s and was a new single mom.  Her mother, Simone, spoke of all the things she did and tried to do to “help” Jane.  Simone was a new single mom when Jane was born and she had no help.  She didn’t want Jane to have to deal with it all alone like she had done.  Simone talked of how she got a second job in order to help pay for Jane’s expenses.  Jane didn’t appreciate all her mother was doing for her and Simone became exasperated.  While Simone was giving her testimony, a few of the ladies in the audience chuckled and smirked.  They made some not-so-quite comments about how they would have never allowed for their daughter to mistreat them.  Simone persevered in giving her testimony.  She said she took her concern and frustration for her daughter to the Lord and prayer and God comforted her.  He gave her peace about not going out of her way to “help” Jane because Simone’s “help” wasn’t really “help”.  Often we, woman specifically, feel guilty about not doing for someone when we have the means to do so.


(sigh again)

Yesterday, I offered to pick up my bonus children from school.  I also said that I would meet their mother to pick them up.

Today, I was instructed by their mother to have them make a wardrobe change.  I have no problem with the wardrobe change.  I do, however, have a huge problem with being instructed instead of being asked.  I also have a problem with being talked to as if I am here to serve her needs and to honor her instructions.  Needless to say, I was salty.  I wanted to politely but very firmly inform her that the manner of speech was improper and would not be acceptable but I didn’t say anything.  I got off the phone agreeing to have the children change and then I began to stew.  I didn’t say anything in part because my children were in ear shot but mostly I remained silent because as offensive as her tone and word choice was, it wasn’t a big enough issue to die on that hill.

I told my husband about the conversation when he got home.  The conversation was on repeat in my mind for a few hours after.  Then it happened.  I was done.  I have no animosity, no ill will, no hard feelings but I will not anymore offer to do anything for this woman again and I have absolute peace about it.

I am praying now that God will get me out of the committment I made to pick them up from school.

Just like Simone, I had to commit this to prayer.  As much as I thought about the conversation and considered that maybe I should have addressed her tone and word choice right then, the more I see that wouldn’t have been the best thing to do.  I have forced myself to attempt to be comfortable around this young woman.  I have done all I know and have been led by the Lord to do.  Even now, in this newest event, I submit myself to God about it.  I must say, I never thought I could have peace in Jesus by not doing something.  I thought peace came from doing some kind of action that God said to do and not from not offering to do anything.

Either way it goes, when I pick by babies up this week, it will be the first and last time I do it.  It’s sad because we won’t have memories of me picking them up from school as I do with my other bonus child.  There is a certain closeness or deepening of a relationship that occurs by creating shared memories.  It’s sad that this avenue has been closed off.  I don’t want my children to suffer but decisions adults make unfortunately put children in the line of fire.  I am saddened because I know the things that they might not ever experience.

Oh but the PEACE!  The peace that I now have by being allowed to leave her well enough alone is priceless!


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