My letter to the Lord. Sometimes instead of praying out loud, I will pray by writing. My soul is speaking to Him while I am writing the words. Below is an excerpt of what I wrote (the original was 1,739 words). The [bracketed] phrases are there for your understanding. They were not in the original prayer. Please note that this is really raw emotions. The only thing I changed from the original writing was capitalizing You to show that I am referencing the Lord. There are plenty of grammatical errors. There are fragments galore. I wrote as I was thinking and speaking in my soul. And so it begins…
I drive all this way to go to the Columbia library and for what? To sit here and type…
…I don’t want to be associated with or taken as an intellectual “Christian”. I know I know You but I don’t feel close to you. I feel like all I do is choose You over and over again with no real force behind it. Like I am just making a decision to stand and stay on Your side but I don’t feel You there. I question whether or not I love you like David did. He was so passionate about You but I can’t even pick up my Bible. At the end of all of his woe-is-me’s and God-kill-them-now’s, he always went back to talking about Your goodness and mercy, Your grace, Your awesome wonders, and Your loving kindnesses. Why can’t I be like that?
What is wrong with me?
I am so scared that it’s not real [scared that I’m not a real Christian]. That as much as I love You and as much as I know about You and do (at least I believe I do) for [in service to] You that in the end it won’t be enough. I claim you as Savior but so do many other people. I claim you as Lord but so do many other people.
Okay so I think I hear you saying that they call me Savoir and they call me Lord and [but] calling and claiming is not the same thing [Matt. 7:20-23, Luke 6:45-47].
That’s the other problem. I don’t know if/ when I hear from You. But that is not true. I do know at least sometimes. Other times, I feel as if I am reaching for You, groping for You and whatever spirit I happen upon right then I go for because I am so desperate for You.
I didn’t know before today that You are speaking to me. It’s You speaking to me when You said not to be a cellphone Mom, not to be on the computer during Jazmine’s waking hours, get up and clean or do something whatever that something might be. It was You. I always looked for You to do something miraculous. Speak to me in a illuminating way about my personal life on a day to day basis…
…I will read tomorrow because I have to. I want to. I want to catch up in my reading. I want to complete the task assigned to the [our] church. I want to be one of the ones who at the end of the year can say, “yes Pastor. I finished the reading and I didn’t miss a day.” I want to keep my commitment to reading the Word. I want to read the Word again next year and the year after that and the year after that just like Ms. Paulette [she’s read the Bible through on her own accord each year since 1989]. I remember what You said to me four years ago I think it was. You said what I put in me will come out of me.
Brian said today that he committed to You to show up. That is our responsibility and You will do the rest. I knew You were talking to me then but I didn’t want You to appear that way to me. (weak smile). [I was looking for more of a Saul to Paul conversion experience. Acts 9:-4).]
I’ll show up.
I need Your help to rearrange my schedule so that I can so up everyday at our set time, exercise, complete my house work, and spend time with Jazmine [spending time with Brian is a given].
Okay Lord. See you tomorrow. Please be there.