I’ve been running on empty for a few weeks now. I haven’t gotten to the going-through-the-motions rut. I think I’ve grown some since I last hit that rut so as to not allow it to get that bad again. Yet and still, I’m running on empty.
We have some pretty major things going on right now in our household. Everything from dealings with our lovely judicial system to the start of school for my bonus children and my husband. I can’t say that I am overwhelmed but I don’t feel the same surge of spiritual power from the Holy Spirit to face each thing with the boldness of David.
I believe I mentioned this before, but our church is reading through the Bible this year and currently, I am nine days behind. I have had no quite time with the Lord since the one time I read last week, but even when I read, I haven’t come with the same expectation to hear from the Lord; to gain more insight into His Word from Him. Let me give you a visual aide. I felt like a school aged child who normally does right but all of a sudden felt that she wasn’t getting enough attention from those in authority and quit doing all the right things she knew to do. She wasn’t receiving any of the items on her wish list so in retaliation, she stopped behaving in hopes of drawing enough attention to her and her needs and getting them meant how she sees fit.
That’s when it happened. I bought into the lie.
It has become so common place to “just sit back and expect a blessing” that I actually started to believe it to some degree. I fell into the “you’ll be blessed if you just show up” mentality where the term “blessed” takes the meaning of having whatever my desire or need is meant to the exact specifications I desire. That thought process has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the Lord getting glory. It is completely selfish and is not godly but, it tickled my ear (2 Tim. 4:3) and I bought into it. No wonder I was feeling so empty.
I had stopped seeking the Lord. I had stopped seeking the One I love (Song 3:1) I stopped yearning for Him and I have no idea why I stopped. I can’t remember what might have triggered this sad state. I stopped seeing Him. I stopped reading and praying with expectation to learn more about him and grow into a closer, deeper relationship with Him. I don’t know what happened! I honestly don’t.
I do know that going back to the gym after a long sedentary hiatus is hard and this is no different. I can “seek” the Lord in my mind all I want to while I am busy doing other things but true seeking has action behind it. You have to get into your car and go to the gym but before that happens, you have to make a commitment to go. I have to make a commitment to seek Him…again.