Preface – I have written this post three times already but up until this point, I haven’t been able to get my words right. The Holy Spirit kept tugging at me about it. I thought I had gotten it right and set it to publish only to go back into it earlier today and stop it from doing so. I just pray that what I write is glorifying to Him. Also, please note that when I say friend, I mean in the high school sort of way and not what a real friend is. In high school, a friend to me was anyone I associated with and who’s company I didn’t mind keeping.
I recently read someones Facebook status update where they said that they had recently met up with some good friends from college. It struck nerve in me. I don’t have that tight-knit, Sex In The City friendship with anyone from my school days. I longed to have that. When I was younger, I always saw myself as having a group of life long girlfriends that I meant during my school days but that is not the case.
It took me all those years plus some to learn that you have to be a friend to have a friend. The Bible says in Prov. 11:25 that one who refreshes others will also be refreshed. Growing up, I only wanted to refresh others when it was convenient for me. I missed out on the opportunity to have a closer relationship with girlfriends I’ve meant along the way. I regret that. I really do.
I remember a time in high school when I was talking to someone I was friends with outside of the front entrance of the school. She and I were chatting and I saw something. I don’t remember exactly what it was but I remember I wanted to be inside in the lobby of the school where I saw some action taking place. I started to walk away from my friend so I could go inside. She grabbed my arm and said, “Wait a minute. I want to talk to you.” I should have given her my undivided attention right then and there. I should have shown her all the care and concern I possessed to let her know that I had her back and I was there for her. Suffice it to say, I didn’t do that. I was annoyed that I had to stay there and listen instead of leaving her company to be in the mix. I am sure my annoyance showed because I don’t remember having a long conversation after that.
The Bible does not lie. That which you sow, you shall also reap (Gal. 6:7). I have certainly changed a lot since high school but that still haunts me. That was just one incidence but I know I acted a fool just like that on several occasions with other friends of mine. I was selfish. I wasn’t a true friend. I didn’t sow anything good during my growing up years to warrant me anything close to a life-long friendship.
I would only let friendships grow but so far. I didn’t ever want it to get too deep. I didn’t want the other person to depend on me too much. I didn’t want to be tied down. I didn’t want the friend to become too needy. At the first sign of neediness, I put some distance between us real quick. Any closeness that I did allow from the other person was normally because I was being nosy, liked to gossip, and wanted to hear all of their drama. I liked to be in the group but I also liked to do my thing and if a potential long-term friend got in the way of me doing my thing, I cut them off with a quickness.
I know. That is horrible but that is who I was. You can’t reap tight, close-knit bonds when you haven’t sown them.
I do have true friends now. I have cultivated relationships with others to develop real friendships but it saddens me that I don’t have that we-go-back-like-two-cornrows-and-a-bang type of relationship. I have plenty of longevity relationships but very few of them are happy reunions waiting to happen and I am so sorry for that.